Follow Sandi's rules to a T. Actual what worked better for me, was copying Sandi's rules, pasting them into a Word doc and editing them to put the in the first person. e.g. if it said: Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel, I changed it to: ... how bad I feel. Then printed them out and read them over and over.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Thankx Pete but she left us last night . I tried to do everything not to pressure her but she left us to be with OM . What do I do now . I feel like its over
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Dawgy, I've been exactly in your shoes only 4 months ago. Weeping. Crazy with jealousy. Not knowing what to do. Thinking it's totally over. Then I read and reread DB & DR and set my mind to it. I know it's incredibly hard and totally counterintuitive, but I think it's the only way. It certainly seems to have worked for me, so far so good.
If you want something to disappear, first you must let it flourish. If you want something to diminish, first you must let it expand. That's just the way.
Very good that you didn't pressure her. That would just drive her away faster and farther. I know it seems totally contrary but, seriously, that's the way it works.
She is creating a false world in her head. She will spew lies. She will try to rewrite history. It's something that she has to go through that has really nothing to do with you. Let her go through the stages. You have your own stages to go through, and this is one of them.
Hopefully sooner than later she will succumb to her own façade and start to see the light. But you cannot push her or reason with her. It will only drive her farther away.
Work on yourself. Improve yourself. Make a plan for yourself and execute it. Consider it a full time job.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Ahh good to hear from you Pete .I was waiting to hear from you because our sitches are similar and your advice is real and doable . Yes it is very hard but doable . I do have a question for you Peter . While GAL im making women friends who obviously want more than friendship and Im having a very hard time with this . Its happened 4 different times with 4 different women . Geez , Im sooooo lonely im trying to behave . But these ladies are offering a shoulder to cry on and hugs and kisses . Its brutal
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Seriously, Dawgy. I know you want some female companionship...but these women are not friends of your marriage. THAT is what you need right now IF you want your marriage to survive.
Yes - I'm telling you to suck it up and deal with a dry spell. Yes - I know that men aren't super big fans of this. Yes - I know that it isn't fair.
This process is long and hard and awful BUT if you really, really want your marriage to survive, I think it's the only way.
And yes im going to make a plan . I need it a good doable plan that i can stick to . But one of these women in particular has me wound up tight . very sexy .How can i stay away from it . I need to . If i slept with her i would feel like I had the right to but if W found out it maybe all she needs to say see ya later , have a nice life . Crazy thing is , the way we are living now is no life . I want the life I had a year ago or less . Last November i was happy . Hell i was even happy in march when the affair had been going on for 3 months behind my back
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Why are you keeping up two threads? You are talking about how upset you are on one thread and the other how tempting other women are. I would consider closing the thread. The mods can do it for you and post on just one thread.
You do not need another woman to help you feel better. YOu would both be using each other, you would be cheating and in no way is any of that good for you or your family.
Tell your wife she needs to go somewhere else unless she will be faithful and work on your marriage. You have control of this part. Act like it.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I KNOW you want your old marriage back. Believe me, I get it. I actually am now at a point where I don't want my old marriage back. That one was broken, even though I didn't know it at the time. I want a better one. I deserve a better one. I believe I can have a better one (because, darn it - I'm a really good wife and partner and friend!). Right now I can't have it because H is going through MLC and he's got a whole boatload of issues that simply do not allow him to look at life clearly. It stinks, but I've chosen to wait it out. I've chosen to wait it out in arguably what COULD be the best years of my life. That's not fair....but - it's what I've got.
And attraction to people is like drugs. This is what your wife is going through. Her OM is a drug to her. She knows it's bad but she wants more because it makes her feel temporarily great, and then it makes her feel terrible.
A sexy woman coming on to you feels great - but if you pursue it WHILE you are trying to save your marriage, you will feel awful. And your W will have ammunition. Do you want to give her that power?
I'm telling you that adding ANOTHER affair partner to this mix is not a great solution. It will move things along, but probably not in the direction that you want.
At one point in my life, I guess I used to be a pretty good flirt. I am not the world's most beautiful woman, but I'm smart and I'm charismatic. Men liked talking to me, and I liked talking to men. I've lost all interest in attracting men to me. No thanks - nothing but trouble can come of it and I do not want H to have any justification for the decisions that he made to pursue another woman. Would it feel nice to have a man attracted to me? I can honestly say that it would NOT feel nice to me. It would make me feel like a hypocrite. I am trying really hard to live a life of integrity for me and my kids and to be the role model they need right now.
Lonely? I am definitely NOT lonely enough to open up THAT pandora's box.
I have two threads because this is my old one and i had a reply on it . And believe me im upset on both threads . And anyone who says they havent been tempted with the opposite sex while going through this is not being truthful . Im only asking how to deal with the temptation because im brutally lonely and while GALing you meet alot of people of the opposite sex
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
