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Bea,
How is your xh's health? Any high blood pressure or heart issues? The reason that I am asking is that if he continues down the road he is traveling w/this anger, etc., something is going to happen w/his health. Yes, it's his problem and all you can do is watch from the sidelines, but I've seen this happen many times.

As for the new wife on the block, he's not going to settle down one bit. He's a very angry and resentful man who is still going after you. He's angry that you will not given him the time of day and/or attention he so craves from you. Unfortunately, the man has drive you away and it's sad because you could have had a very civil relationship w/him because of your sons, but I don't see that happening. He's another one that has burned his bridges along the way. I'm very sorry he's done that.

Bea, do whatever you need to do to take care of you. It's time now for him to go back to Fantasy Island and remain there for a long time. Yes, he's one of the "stuck" ones and they only get worse as time goes on. They become bitter, resentful and nasty people who do whatever they can to make others just as miserable as they are. I'm sorry that you are having to endure this.

Job, In 2008 (about 2 and a half years after bomb drop) my xh was diagnosed with cancer - quite advanced, and personally I think he had started it sometime before, but ignored the symptoms (and OW was far too self obsessed to take notice). He had a long treatment and then surgery in 2009, and had a 50% chance of living a further 5 years. However as we know old nick takes care of his own, and he is still around and apparently has been given the all clear. But I would not like to live with it. And I do wonder if it has spread to his brain at times

He is not and never has been a drinker - although he drank a lot in the early stages of MLC, but his blood pressure and heart are excellent. He has no arthritis or other age related conditions. And comes from a very long lived family.

I am working with my lawyer to deal with any outstanding issues and to get an order for him not to contact me further. It seems like the only way.

It is so sad: this was an exceptional father and husband, reduced to a grumpy old misery. Even his cancer could have been caught much sooner if he had been paying attention.

Bea,
I'm sorry you are having to deal w/his anger after all of this time. No one knows what is going through his mind and none of us knows how he actually feels. The desperation that he's been showing makes me wonder if there is a health issue that is "ticking" he wants to put things right in his twilight years...but there is a better way to do such things, IMO.

Please take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to head off further harassment, if at all possible.

He claimed when we last spoke that his health was excellent. But then again, who believes a word these people say?

Suing me and quarreling with his children probably isn't the best way of making amends!

I agree w/you about he suiting and quarreling...it's certainly not the way to go about making amends. I'm not making excuses, but something is definitely driving this anger now and the way he's going about seeking attention makes me wonder if he's angry at the world and at himself because his health is bad...but time will tell on that. I've see so many of them act out like this when they've been given bad news about their health over the years.

Bea, I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for a speedy resolution to all of this. Life is far too short to have to deal w/this every couple of weeks or so.

Thank you! Curiously, when all this started up (nearly a year ago now) I said to my eldest son that I wondered if his cancer had come back. Actually I think the other explanation is that he misses us all very very much and has no idea what to do.

His anger is maybe at himself, and the situation he is in. Obviously huge pressure from OW2 to get married, but dare not give up on her and take the risk of trying to get his family back, even for friendship.

But apart from when it impinges on me, it isn't my problem

Bea,

Previous to BD, was he very sentimental?

I ask because Smokey had this strange dichotomy of being very sentimental and sensitive while, at the same time, being very harsh and critical of the world. He would go from one personality to the other.

It reminds me of your situation. It's like you are witnessing this man have this battle of the ages within his soul. He sees that you've all moved on with your lives and he can't quite wrap his head around it. Being angry and victimized is the only thing that makes sense to him.

Whatever it is...I hope God works some miracle (through the attorneys.lol) and removes this drama...one way or another.

I would imagine it's some combination of the cancer and/or reality of mortality, missing his family, trying to gain some understanding/acceptance of the situation HE created and finding some way to make peace with it ALL.

My MLCer told me MANY, MANY times that he didn' t want to fight with me. And suddenly, would go on a rampage of text or outrageous behavior to get a reaction from me. If I was to respond, everything I would say would be twisted to justify his behaviour. They create the victim of evil in their mind and miss what they had at times, anger when realising that we went on without them. That is why, depending on what is happening in his life, I am a devil or I am a Godess..
No matter what, WE DO NOT DESERVE THIS CRAP and it has to STOP!!
The MLC has to settle and put his soul to peace or everyone ( especially OW ) will be responsible for their misery. I will not be one of them. Be civil, I will be civil. Be a jerk and I will shout my door to you.
Bea, I pray that the law comes trough with a severe CUT. It went on long enough. You shouldn' t pay for his pain. he created this mess for himself, he needs to STOP..

Heather - he was affectionate and thoughtful, but not sentimental. Nor particularly angry harsh or critical of the world, but his father was, in spades!

He simply isn't anyone I recognise.

A while back you posted a beautiful post where you said that you didn't want to live in a world where people can change/withdraw their love in such an arbitrary way.

It really touched me...because I think we all struggle with this when it comes to MLC. So much of it is simply nightmarish. If someone had told me...the day my D20 was born...that this man would have the capability of shutting his children out of his life...or me?...I would never, ever have believed it.

I guess your situation strikes such a chord because it is the worst nightmare...watching someone you love/once loved blow themselves up, repeatedly, and, then, set themselves on fire. It's horrifying to watch and there SHOULD be an answer for that. A solution. At least closure. But, maybe there's not. It just is.

At the same time, it's very inspiring to see how you are managing your life and moving through it with grace and dignity.

Watching how you handle this...for yourself and your children...reminds me that something bigger is out there. No matter what kinda sh!tstorm they create, the important stuff really does still matter and it's just carnage for THEM...we move forward and live in the light...if we choose. We move through the grief and the pain and changes and adapt and learn to love again...in whatever way we are able. But, they still remain stuck. It's very tragic.

It reminds me of the prayer said at the beginning of many A.A. meetings. "Let us now pray for the alcoholic still struggling."