Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis 34: Holding my ground ... continued

It seems as though his RE offer is accepted. This will be good... I think.

After working late with him. I decided to text him about the family function.

Me: (7:30) Hi.. Thanks for the invite to T's, but probably not a good idea for me to go.

Him: (10 mins later) Ok

Him: (1 min) Your choice.

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The way I saw it is that I really don't have a choice to go or not... either way same result (me sad)... at least this way (not going) I value myself & not accept his scraps.

We shall find out soon enough. Should be very telling over the next 30 days or so to see if Mr. Can't Commit merely replaces this one stressor with another, as predicted.

MM,

I think this is AWESOME!! You made the decision for yourself and you based it on what's good for YOU!!! NOT HIM OR EXBF!!

Standing OVATION FROM ME :-)

You go girl. Now, do something nice for yourself as a reward...Probably feels weird to opt out. Sit with the weird, it will pass. I promise it won't make or break the rest of your life.

YOU TOOK ACTION! AND, you didn't dwell on the interaction. You didn't come here and tell everyone how EXB was Happy or Sad or Constipated!!

You kept the focus on YOU.

BRAVO MM!!!!

"Hi.. Thanks for the invite to T's, but probably not a good idea for me to go."

the first part was great, the second comes across as if you were baiting him to respond with questions as to why its not a good idea, which would open the door to you to jump into an R talk.

after pages of discussions, you couldnt just say thanks but no thanks and left it at that.

Progress not Perfection.

I think NOT going is Huge and you didn't start any R talks. You coulda kept the convo going and you didn't.

and then today.. we worked together.

he was pressed for time as he was trying to get a lot stuff done before heading to the family party. Even though he was rushing, he offered to bring coffee back to the shop when he could have had his coffee at home by himself & not be so rushed. There was no need for him to come back to the shop & have coffee/cookies.

Back at the shop: The RE Agent randomly pops by... he introduces us. She is an older overly bubbly/friendly woman. Not at all his type for looks either. She seems happy to meet me. She discussed how they met & how the whole RE process started with him. She leaves. He starts again how happy he is to be getting the location & discusses painting & options, etc. He then gets into how overwhelmed he is with stuff & his mom & is doing it alone. He says my life is easier. I stated that it was his choice as over a month ago I offered for things to be different. He said he doesn't recall me making offers. I then told him that he needs to learn how to cope & balance stress & fun. To inject fun when you can. That is why he is going to take his parents to the family function for 3 hours (to put a smile on several peoples face) & then come back & get prepared to clean up for the appraiser. He is wanting my help tomorrow moving vehicles.... this could have turned into another R talk.... but, it didn't, thank god there was no time!

Ken... I am happy with my response to the invite. I did not say it, for an attempt to carry the convo forward. I ended it.

Heather.. thanks for acknowledging my progress. When you say NOT going is HUGE... can you explain why?

As you mentioned earlier... it feels weird... and yuk. I don't like this one bit. However, I think that I would have gone & felt hopeful tomorrow, just to be let down again. I guess it feels better than chasing him, tho.

This is VERY hard for me to 1) break the addiction of approval and of HIM and 2) hard for me to put myself and my future first.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heading into the city tonight with a group of people for dinner. THANK GOD for friends who keep me going!

MM,

What three things can you do...this week...to break away from this situation with him? What three specific steps can you take to get out of this business?

You take a step forward and, then, five back. I just don't think it's realistic for you to be able to work with this man and detach. Plain and simple.

You said he needed to get this deal in place. Well, sounds like it is. Now, YOU take action. Do you have and attorney. You mentioned you sold lots of vehicles lately. So, money for an attorney??

Watch how this works.

MM detaches by saying she WON'T be going to the party. She spins a bit, but, ultimately, makes a grown up decision to step away from the drug... So, he baits her with...

He says my life is easier. He just pushed your buttons and you bit. Then, we get blah, blah, blah...more of the same...



He's constipated, he's stressed, he's this, he's that...WHATEVER. We don't care. I'm glad you didn't get into a R talk again...but, I see you getting ready to dive right back into this swirling toilet...round and round it goes.

What ACTION Can ADULT MM take this week to remove herself from this business and give herself a fresh start WITHOUT HIM.

MM, remind that little girl she will be ok without him. REALLY. He hasn't really been there for her in two years. She is ok. She is going out with friends tonight. She can handle this.

Meanwhile, ADULT MM needs to protect herself financially.

NO EXCUSES. Get an attorney in place to protect herself.

That means shopping and retaining an attorney.

Hi Heather...

I won't get back in... I keep pulling myself away, as hard as it is & as much as I don't want to....like an attraction from fire!

It is not healthy for me. AND... I am trying to have some sort of standard for myself.

AS for removing myself from the business... I CANNOT. My name needs to get ON it first. First, unofficially & then officially. I MUST find a way to detach & function for the next year, at least.

I am going to let him catch his breath while his deal closes at the end of the month as there is STILL so much to do (mtg meeting, appraisers, insurance appts, lawyer appts, new business name, town meetings, approvals, etc... and clients... then I will start my approach for my security again. A lawyer is only needed to sign a deal that is 80% written.

He keeps "talking" that he did this for "us" and how it benefits me too.

On the business side, YES... it does benefit me as now we can officially relax & operate comfortably and be able to lock the gates at night & safely too. This location also allows our sales to generate even better than ever. Before, we were overstocked and our inventory was scattered & subject to damage (this kept him up at night). Now he can destress & sleep at night. <<< his stress rolls onto me. He feels I don't stress enough, and it is his burden.

I don't see where he pushed my button & I bit... can you expand?

NO EXCUSES. Get an attorney in place to protect herself.

You're gonna force this little girl to keep this up for another year so that, maybe?, you can get a part of this business?

You must really hate yourself. Go put a bunch of kittens in a bag with a few cement blocks. Toss em into the sewer. That's what you're doing to yourself. I'm not supporting that.

She creates a life WITHOUT HIM IN IT. SHE HONORS HIS DECISION TO END THE RELATIONSHIP AND SHE MOVES ON WITHOUT HIM. SHE DOES WHAT SHE NEEDS TO DO IN ORDER TO GET ON WITH HER LIFE....WITHOUT HIM. NOT WITH HIM...WITHOUT HIM.

If I can retain an attorney and end a marriage to someone I truly loved and trusted with ALL OF MY HEART and SOUL...then, you can retain one too.

Step Away MM. Half measures avail us nothing.

Let me know when you are ready to take action...I'll be happy to encourage and support. Until, then...