Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy She says she's conflicted (part 2)

Thanks for this post it is very very enlightening to me.

This morning my sister in law texted a cell phone we just keep as a back up. The wife was demanding that it was my phone her comment was who's that your new girlfriend. I told her it was not my phone and I have no girlfriend.

Funny she is having an affair but I am being checked up on.

Anyhow it was her sister asking how she and the boys were. I told my wife that I get offended that her sister acts as if I am out of the picture already. My wife got very defensive and accused me of starting. When I told her I was hurt she said that I should ignore her sister.

Then the WAW got all up in my face about the fact that everyone knows about her affair even her cousins..that her sister is upset that someone told her cousins via email. It was not me so I don't get this.
She said to me if you want us to get back together you should never have told a soul.

I said it's interesting how people in an affair don't want anyone to know...( would this be a controlling conversation?)

In addition I was thinking about how everyone she visited or stayed with with OM knows she is married as a matter of fact he has lost a lot of friends over the fact that he is with a married woman ( I think they all know he has done this before),
So how come that's alright?

I also have been on my best behavior and tried to avoid anything about this weekend etc.

I just can not believe that she thinks her behavior is acceptable for my s16.

I was sent this link by a friend.

It fits my situation like a glove!

Would it make sense to leave this for my wife to find?

The Next Guy

I am in such a weird place.

I keep feeling that OM is playing me as maybe is the WW. That they really want me and expect me to go nutso and kick her out and file.
(Legally I can not kick her out)

As much as people claim that by not doing this I am enabling her affair, I feel that by doing it I am going to end up divorced.


It's just that what reassurances do I have that they won't run off to a no-tell motel?

Can I say something like :

If you end up in bed with him you need to call me and tell me to file for divorce we are done?

NOOOO!!!!


Didn't you listen to anything 25 said to you? Do you think that's setting a healthy boundary or a controlling ultimatum?

you cant tell her to do or not do anything. you cannot teach them anything. you cannot persuade or get her to realize anything.


when i was going through my D, my x and i had a sit down and discussed what was going on. it was not DBing, it got ugly at times, but some parts went well.

during the conversation, as she was saying she wasnt sure what she wanted, i gently (and i made very sure as i said it without any anger or force) to just let me know what she was decides and not to spring it on me.

the very next day, i overheard her telling her mother that i was demanding that she tell me everything she was doing.


so. the point of the story is the WAS will hear things differently than you say them. and in my case, will twist things to their advantage.

I thought you were working on your control and anger issues.

I guess not.

Vets, you give such amazing advice. Some of us really do listen! (and miss you on our threads! hint. hint.)

Oxford, I have to be honest, it's frustrating to read (and re-read, and re-read) how the vets give you advice, which you misunderstand or ignore, rinse and repeat. For months. They have spent a lot of time on your threads and given you amazing feedback.

Have you tried meditation or yoga or biofeedback or medication to control your emotions and spiraling thoughts? Can you set a goal of using the wonderful advice you've been given here for just *one* day?

In your next post, can you tell the people following your thread about one thing you tried (doesn't matter how well it worked) based on advice you got here?

Good luck.

why in the high holy universe would you tell her that it hurts your feelings for HER SISTER to act like you are out of the picture?

Why the heck do other people know

What is your purpose because it feels like you are just trying to manipulate her into staying....

she has to WANT to stay and honestly, that OM is looking better and better to me

as for having him be a threat to your kids...
are you serious?
he isn't threatening them...he is saying he is going to try and convince him that he is better than you...

How is that threatening unless he IS better than you?


you need to drop her out of the picture and just work on you

I am working on them. I have not opened my mouth or made any demands.

I was asking a question. I was told to not do those things I asked about so I did not.

Part of working on issues is to ask others for advice.

I have not said a controlling or angry word to her tonight. I got home much later than her. I was very nice but followed the advice on the 180. I did not start any conversations , but when she did I participated.

Tonight was one of the better nights for me. No digs etc..

I do have a biofeedback device and I have started to use it.

The this with her sister was dumb, I was acting out of Anxiety