Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis #33: HOLDING my ground... my self value

Thanks Matt.... I think I can do all that (because I pretty much have to do that during work time anyway). My only problem may be that I might be "hopeful" the next day, or put meaning into it. <<<< this may be what I struggle with, and may chose as a reason not to go. If I did go, I could see myself being fully entertained by the others & not requiring HIS attention, therefore at a distance.

My question to you... you said that you were happy that you went to your family function... why?

My other question is.... would going to this event, delay my progress? I am trying soooo hard to drop the rope, get off his pant leg & to focus on pulling myself away. If I go, I won't be pulling myself away from him, but putting myself in his space outside of work. Will this delay or be considered a backslide in my progress? Will he feel "aha", got MM back under my power & will now play catch & release with me ... again? <<< I am not interested in the catch me & release me game any more!!

Maybe, if I am careful enough & distant enough I won't feel that he has "caught" me, and then neither can he.... ??? dunno

I just don't understand why he invites me to stuff if he does not want a relationship & he knows there won't be any sex either. Not sure whats in it for him. If he knows he doesn't want to be with me, why invite me? ... I don't want to be his "friend"

I think it's because he's "comfortable" with you. Men sometimes would rather stay with someone who already knows our faults, and seem to be okay with them, rather than start over with someone new who's going to analyze us and find us wanting, lol.

Plus, we NEVER think sex is out of the question! He probably still thinks he can wear you down.


Starsky

well... he can't.. not under these conditions.

So Starsky... should I go or not? Your reasoning?

Here we go again! Should I or should I not go? This will be the topic of discussion until the function dates and many, many postings will be posted about it...bottom line...what is your gut telling you to do?

Is there any reason why you can't go solo if you really, really want to go? Nothing says you have to be at his mercy and go w/him. If you go, you can mingle w/everyone and have a good time and leave him on the sidelines to do his own thing. When you are ready to leave, you can say your goodbyes and go home and not wait on him to drive you home.

Again, it's up to you, but I'm putting my money on your not going, just like the last time...we spent several days and many, many postings discussing whether you should or shouldn't attend another work related function. Bottom line...you need to pull up your big girl panties and make the decision for yourself and stop asking others whether you should or should not go.

Totally agree.

Job... thanks but this isn't a work function.... this is a family one. Do you still feel the same? .... I will not go by myself, its at a different house than the last function. I am invited thru him, because of him. Not my own invitation.

IF I go, I can leave him on the sidelines and mingle with others. I can do that!

My question is... does it count as a backslide if I go? would going to this event, delay my progress? I am trying soooo hard to drop the rope, get off his pant leg & to focus on pulling myself away. If I go, I won't be pulling myself away from him, but putting myself in his space outside of work. Will this delay or be considered a backslide in my progress? Will he feel "aha", got MM back under my power & will now play catch & release with me ... again? <<< I am not interested in the catch me & release me game any more!!

I would like to make the decision, but not if everyone is going to 2x4 me ... I do not want to make ANyMorE mistakes... not even one!

You can't do it MM. You can't help but have expectations! Your expectations jumped into high gear when he suggested you go.

I

See, you give yourself away. You immediately thought about wanting more from him. Which is good on one hand.........if you will tell him no thanks. But if you try to convince yourself you can go with zero expectations and keep your hopes from rising to the clouds........I think you will be deceiving yourself. Yes, you have to work with him every day. But being alone in a car ride can feel rather intimate, sometimes. Seeing his family again could stir old emotions. Then there's the ride back. I just don't think you are strong enough, yet. You need more time and growth under your belt before facing this level of testing.

I do think it could set you back. Why? B/c I don't think you can endure the trip and STFU. But you would be setting yourself up for failfure. Besides, look how he was careful to throw a couple of things in there so you couldn't claim it was a "date". He's a sly one.

"I just don't understand why he invites me to stuff if he does not want a relationship & he knows there won't be any sex either. "


its YOU who insists for you and him to be in the same room, then it MUST include a relationship and sex.

HE'S been trying to get you understand the romantic relationship has been over for 2 years, but you refuse to accept it.

HE is simply being personable and relaying the invitation.

but YOU just have to twist it and force it to be more than it is.



I'm with sandi, say no and do not go. if you cant even handle the invite, going to the party would be a disaster.

Magic,
The "should I or should I not go" questions are the same for any function, i.e., be it work or personal. The bottom line is this...only you know whether you can attend, keep your mouth shut and keep the expectations at zero.

Sit down in a quiet place and ask yourself...are you strong enough to do this? Can you go and not have expectations? Can you go and not have conversations about the relationship? If your answer is no...then you have your answer...but you have to be honest w/yourself.

Hi Job... I absolutely know I CAN do that... I know I can keep my mouth shut & no R talk... I can do that!... I will take the time to think this through. No quick answers.

I am just wondering what a person who has dropped the rope & given up would do... thats what I think I want to do.... I am wanting to remain the person who gave up 4 weeks ago.

Gabby... You are correct, I shouldn't be basing my decisions on what he will feel, but how I will feel.... and I don't want to feel "hooked" and I don't want to feel disappointed.

Sandi ... he was very careful. He did it in a way with pause... LOL (same when he was asking me last weekend to go on the patio, with daughter & then we can pick up a vehicle). He first asked if I was going, pause, then mentioned we could bring my daughter if she wanted to go, pause, then we could turn it into a work event and drop off a vehicle for the client, pause. This of course would all happen after our work day. The party starts at 2ish-6.. His pause, was Because I wasn't giving him an answer. Also, with the work event. He was suggesting that I go, because its the right thing to do. He was concerned how he was going to reply, as his phone deleted the email request. Then paused... this is when I said are you asking me to go? He said "we could go together"... pause, then he suggested maybe even my DD could take us and be our driver.... I paused, and said I would think about all of this.

I'm just not sure... I want to preserve my self-value. I do. I also deserve his pursuit. I need to be able to say no to the "carrots".

I am afraid of "hook & release".... honestly.