Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Wife in MLC and getting ready to leave #6

Hi Sarah,
My W's MLC started about 3 years ago (going on 4 now) but B-day was just a little over year and 3 months ago. She had been getting worse and worse, not being a part of the family, spending all her time with her new "friends", not cooking, cleaning, missing school functions, stop having sex. It built and built until B-day where she was so sure that I was the cause of all her unhappiness that she wanted a D and didn't want to even try. I had thought it was just her depression (she was depressed for several years not long before it started and stupid me just tried to be 'supportive"). If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have been at all supportive and told her to shape up or get out.

Sorry, I just had her come over AGAIN, this time thinking I wouldn't be home, to take even more furniture! She also brought her father and his OW whom I can't stand. I was rather upset and I told her not to come over while I'm not here again. She kept saying it was the last day she had the truck. I said then you should have waited until I was here AND told me you were coming back for the desk in my room as it's full of MY stuff. She just said that she would have gone through it! Does she not understand that it's NOT her's to go through anymore! She just got angry and told me not to be "snarky". You are right that I have to talk to her. If she doesn't like that I want only 4 things out of the 30 that we bought at that sale (not even the expensive things!) then I will tell her to take it up with my lawyer.

I would change the locks but she brought my D14 with her and she needs her key and would have just had her open the house! How is it that if I went into HER home and started going through her things she would be so very upset. She does it and it's just me over-reacting! Ugh! I'm just so very angry at her right now. Oh, and she invited me to her GM's birthday party on Saturday! I'm not good enough to keep the things MY money bought from HER family but here I'm still invited to their parties?

This standing is very hard, Sarah. I know you are just getting started but if you really think about it, there were probably signs before B-day that he had started down the MLC trail. It helped me to get a handle on just how long into her journey she was. Didn't help with keeping her from filing in the end but gave me an idea which stage she was at. Knowing that it usually takes 5-7 years to get through any MLC, by thinking about when it truly started gave me some idea how much longer it may take my W to get through hers.

Hello everyone,
After yesterdays scene with my W coming over thinking I wouldn't be home to take more stuff and bringing her hateful father, I've been a bit on edge. My oldest D went to have dinner with her mom last night and W didn't bother to tell her her father was visiting! This is big because my oldest hates her GF and my W knows if she had told her she wouldn't have gone. After she left, my D19 called me. She was so freaked out by her mom's behavior! She said that her GF was his normal self and acted like the jerk he is. He finally gave her the money he promised for her grad but had to add in a snarky comment about his being the "rich" GF! My parents gave her $500 and he had only given her $50. When my W told him he wrote a check for more so he wouldn't look bad (he has much more money then my parents. They spent theirs raising 2 kids where he never even paid CS!)and "lost" the check! He didn't even match what my parents gave her. This is after my D19 found out that he had been telling her cousins that he wasn't going to waste his "time or money" on her as she will "never amount to anything in life". This man hardly knows my D! How dare he say such things?

Anyway D19 was telling me how weird her mom acts around her dad. She said my w had set up her bed in her room and when her father saw it told her that it was in the "wrong" place and should be moved. She said her mom said several times that it was where she wanted it and that she was happy with it. Well, when my D came out of the bathroom, her mom was moving the bed to where her father wanted it! She said "She does EVERYTHING grandpa tells her to! He was doing stuff like that all night, it's so weird!" She went on to tell me that she had heard her mom on the phone with him last month before he came and my W ended up filing for D. She said her mother kept saying she didn't want to go to a lawyer or file. That she wanted to just maybe separate for a time to see how that went but her dad kept pushing her and pushing her. Well, now he wants to tell her exactly how to run her life even now! This is how this man works. He tries to control everyone and if you don't do what HE wants, he cuts you out of his life like he did his only son and namesake!

Before he left my home he said something snarky about seeing me "down the road maybe some day" and shook my hand. He said "I know I look bad" (from the chemo) and all I said was well, I expected you to look even worse. I know what this man has been saying behind my back, what he has been pushing my W to do to not only me but her kids and everyone that love her and count on her. He is such a two faced jerk! I can't tell my W what time it is without her wanting to argue about it and here he is telling her where her bed needs to be and that she needs to repaint the ceiling in her rental home because there are some paint drops on it (my W doesn't care but is going to do it because he told her too!). I wonder how long after I'm no longer in the picture before my W starts to get tired of his controlling her? Where is the rebellious teenager she acts like when around me?

I saw my W's new place for the first time this morning. My D14 left her phone at my place and needed me to drop it off. It's so unlike what she always wanted! We live in the country because she hated living in a city. She now lives in a small home right in the middle of a crowded street. She had to have a big yard and now she has a tiny back yard. The poor dog isn't taking the move well and has lost so much weight and is acting out so bad my W is thinking about getting him anti-anxiety meds! My D19 also told me she said to her "Your poor dad. I'm taking everything out of his house!". She lied about her not having ANY furniture (when I would say not to take something she always would say "But I don't have anything and poor D14 needs a place to sit and relax"). She has tons of stuff she got from her GM and mom.

I'm being manipulated. She is using the fact that I don't want things to start getting ugly for the sake of my D's against me and so she can get whatever it is she wants before she pushes forward with the D! I see that so clearly now. Just like I could have stopped her from refinancing "her" car and didn't have to sign off on it as I was on the note, but I did because I knew she couldn't afford the payments. My L even said she can't do it and I shouldn't sign. Not only that she makes a mess when she is here and leaves it when she goes. She left her garbage behind in every room, not even bothering to throw it away!

I was doing so well detaching from her chit. Now she is pulling this stuff and I'm really getting angry once again. I know I need to relax and just settle back down. I'm working on it! Sorry for the rant everyone, just been a bad few days!

OK, not sure what's wrong,
Last night my D spent the second day at her mom's. I really am starting to feel awful again for some reason and I'm not sure why. I hate that I let my W's antics the last few days get to me so deeply. I had started to really move past the anger and now it's really raw again. I don't like coming home to an empty house and how lonely the one dog that my W left is. He has always had at least 2 other dogs (one that he is very close with, my D14's dog) and hates being left alone all day. He goes nuts when I get home and when he goes outside he keeps looking for the other dogs.

I hated seeing my D14's room at my W's new home. That isn't her room, the one at my house is and has been her entire life! I have to get all the IRS stuff together and that is over my head. I'm having trouble thinking at work. I have started having nightmares about my W again and they stopped ages ago. I'm worried about my D19 deciding to live with her boyfriend because things aren't "normal" at home anymore and it makes her uncomfortable being around her mom (and to be honest, me as well as she isn't used to me not being with her mom). I need to make more money and this is a slow time. All just excuses as I should be able to push these things aside by now.

I don't know. I don't like being so angry at my W. I certainly don't want to feel sorry for myself and be a victim either. Maybe I'm just going through a bad period and need to start doing more fun things.

I'm also not sure about my W's family party this Saturday. She says I'm invited and she is going as are my D's (they both will be staying with their mom this weekend). I like everyone there and I do like seeing them. But this will be the first time since my W has moved out and I know that her GM won't have any idea that my W has left. (she isn't in her right mind, has Alzheimer's, my W would never have been able to tell her that she left me before she lost her mind. Her GM would NEVER understand her doing that!). I just don't know how it will feel with my W coming with the kids and me alone. How am I supposed to act around her? There is a chance my W won't go as she said she is supposed to have a new refrigerator delivered that day and it depends on when it comes if she will go. If it turned out she had to wait, I would just take the kids myself. It just feels weird.

I don't know, just not feeling as good as I have been!

"How am I supposed to act around her?"

How about strong and confident? Remember, you stood by your W for years and are the solid, steady one out of the two of you. Be proud, not ashamed.

Go to the party and enjoy your time with your D's and in-laws. This is your new normal.

Ok, so my MIL called yesterday to tell me about the party on Saturday. She said she wants me to come even though my W isn't living with me any more. I told her W had mentioned it but never told me what time or anything else. She then said that she also isn't sure if W is coming because her fridge is coming, etc. Now I just talked to my D19 who told me she is coming home (yea!!) to stay tonight but will be going to her mom's Saturday. I asked her about the party and she said she didn't think she would be going as her mom wasn't going to go. ??? I have been texting my D14 for 2 days now and she hasn't returned one text! Her sister hasn't heard from her either. First time she has stayed more than a single night at her mom's and no one can reach her? I'm thinking of texting my W and asking why I can't seem to reach my D!

I'm wondering now about this party. Is my W using the fridge as an excuse because she doesn't want to go if I go? Why can't I reach my D? I can't call on land line because my W doesn't have one! If this is how things are going to be when she has my D14, I really don't like it! If I can't reach my D14 again today I may just show up at my W's place on my way home. I don't like not being in touch especially since this is the first multi day stay at her mom's! Knowing my W, acting like teenager, she is just not thinking about how anyone else may feel about things.

OK, I need to just take a deep breath and stop reading into anything. My D19 is staying at her mom's because (as she said) her mom made her feel bad because she didn't want to. I'm starting to have second thoughts about going to my in-laws party and I can't get ahold of my D14 which isn't like her at all! She lives with that phone constantly in her hand!

Anyone have any thoughts about the party and if I should go? Part of me wants to but part of me thinks that I should be doing something not involving my W instead. What about my D14. Do you think it's a good idea to just stop by? Her mom won't be there (I don't think) as she will most likely be at work. I wouldn't even think about it if I could get ahold of my D14. It's only been 2 days, am I making too much of not being able to get ahold of her?

If you don't "feel" like going to party and will be not able to act like everything is "ok" then dont force yourself to go.

D14 not answering her phone would drive me insane, I would not stop by, maybe call your W cell phone to ask about D14, but know that this will probably upset your W.

Hi 2B,
Oh, I can act like everything is OK. I have been for more than a year. That's not the problem. It will just be the first time I go to something since my W left and she will be bringing the kids! I have had them for 90% of the time and I just don't know about showing up alone and then having W show up. feels "weird". Yeah, I really think I need to find out why I can't reach D14. It's really bugging me!

Matt says: "OK, I need to just take a deep breath and stop reading into anything." Yes!

And don't read too much into your not being able to reach D14. Phones get lost, can't find the charger, etc. Assume the best and it is only 2 days, right? Don't just show up to W's place.

On the party, I would stay away, even if W's refrig installation conflict clears up. It is an awkward sitch anyway, as W's family will never treat you the same given the separation. Stay away, find some friends to hang out with, let W deal with d's getting to the party, if she wants them there.

Separate yourself from everything that is out of your control. Your W's relationship with her Dad sounds very weird. But you can't control it or have any influence on it. Perhaps the Serenity Prayer would help? Good luck.

Yes, breathe. Count some deep breaths and find your center.

Two separate issues.

D14. Can you call D19 and ask her to check in on D14, then get back to you? Otherwise, call W and check in. Make it clear to D14 that you need her to respond in the future...even if it's just to say, "Dad, I'm busy and I will talk to you tomorrow" or whatever.

Party. Is it worth it? You are still pretty fragile. Can your heart handle it? IMO, I'd sit this one out. But, if you feel you NEED to show up for whatever reason, everyone here will support you.

Regarding the party, you said "I like everyone there and I do like seeing them."

Then your MIL even took the time to CALL YOU, to say she really wants you to come.

So, in my mind you should be going, both for you and the family.

Deciding not to go just because W may be there is a cop out. Don't let her actions dictate your decision to go or not go.

Besides, it's not like you'll be hanging around W the whole time... you'll be busy interacting with others.