Hi Matt, I'm happy to hear things are going well with you. The thing about in home or out of home MLC'er is this: As LBS we usually don't have a choice... unless we kick them out!
I see benefits to both arrangements. Yeah, out of house makes it easier to detach, but in house makes it easier to maintain connection. A lot of it really depends on the specific case. I'm really glad to hear things are going better for you. And especially happy that you're able to still connect with family! You've come a long way... Bust On!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks FY, I think in my case until my W actually went and lived on her own she was never going to allow herself to be happy in the M. She was using her "bad M" as an excuse for her depression/anxiety issues and has backing from her father on this being the cause. For her it was kind of a catch all for why she was just so "unhappy". If she was tense, it was because of me. If she was tired, it was because staying in a bad M was wearing her out. If she had problems with the kids, it was because she can't be truly happy in this bad M and will be so much happier once she is on her own she will be a better mother. It didn't matter what I did or didn't do by this point because she needed her M to be bad or else she would have to look elsewhere for why she wasn't the person she wanted to be. There just isn't a way to get past that until she got what she was so sure was what she needed...to live on her own.
I think with other MLCers they know there is something wrong. They don't feel "it" with their S but they also don't see being on their own as the answer. Once my W decided that was THE answer, the game was lost. The problem there is my W was dumb enough to get a 12 month lease and let her father talk her into filing before she actually left. So, if she starts to see that living on her own isn't the answer, it may be too late.
Hope things really are getting better in your sitch. I like the list of 12 things on the new thread. Wish our MLC S's could read that and understand what it means!
Ugh! Just got the new phone bill. My W insisted that even though she was still living at home at the time, she needed to get her own phone plan (that costs double). Fine, I switched out plans, I took my oldest D19 on my plan (the most expensive) and she put D14 on her plan. It took her weeks to get around to doing her part. I just got the bill and it turns out I'm being charged $100 for HER phone and an "upgrade fee" because she got a new phone. So, I text her tell her her # showed up and if she wanted to just write me a check and I'll pay it. Well, the woman who makes 10 times what I do texts back that she payed the last bill (when she lived at home) and this was just a "prorated" thing so I need to pay it! It is NOT a prorated thing, it's her first month and "upgrade fee" and she needs to pay it! I can't believe this woman! She takes home over $1000 a week after taxes and knows I'm barely making it and she wants me to pay HER bill!
She is just unbelieveable! The woman who stayed at home for over 15 years many of them after she could have gone back to work and I made enough to pay all the bills and keep 2 kids in private school, who knows that $100 is a lot harder for me to handle wants ME to pay for HER new phone upgrade! What is wrong with this woman? Oh, wait she's deep in "all about me" land where stealing from me is OK. I guess I just forgot that she is the center of the universe for a min. I should charge her for the flour and sugar she took!
I'm just at the point where I have no expectations of her and she still finds ways to piss me off! Money is a weird thing with her and always has been. Even the kids talk about how weird my W is when it comes to money. She always thinks that she is going to go broke any day and the world is going to come to an end! Funny how when I was making the money she didn't have a problem spending on her new clothes and sexy underwear and bathing suits and shoes, going out with her friends (when I would say we should go out for dinner she would say we can't afford it then go out with her work friends the next day!).
I texted her back that she was wrong about the "prorated" thing and that she needs to pay this but she has ignored that. Oh, well I know I will get an angry response since I told her she was "wrong" about something! I forgot, since B-day she is NEVER wrong about anything! I need to just relax and let this go but I'll be danged if she just doesn't seem to find a way to just get under my skin!
Matt, I get that you are having a hard time with this. It's very painful. And it feels super unfair. A lot of it is. But your focus is still way way too much on your w.
Your posts and maybe your life is all about how you will react to whatever SHE does or says or what you think she thinks or feels. You need to proactively live your life. Stop making it all about her choices.
You can't let her decide if you will be happy today or in an hour, based on a comment she makes or a bill that you get. But in effect that is what you are doing by making your life all about being a victim of her choices. Don't give her all your power.
Let's look at some things you need NOT focus on so much...
Originally Posted By: Matt165
Ugh! Just got the new phone bill. My W insisted that even though she was still living at home at the time, she needed to get her own phone plan (that costs double).Fine, I switched out plans, I took my oldest D19 on my plan (the most expensive) and she put D14 on her plan.
Matt, so YOU made this^^ choice. I would stop doing that and thinking that avoidance of conflict is good.It's just a delay of conflict (like continuing to complain about her taking furniture WHILE letting her do it again and again. Who is stopping you from saying "no"?)
Send her the bill with the explanation calmly printed out, and say that you hope now that she "has this additional information" she can understand why you feel it's only right she pay it.
Stop bringing up how much SHE earns, versus you. That's not a powerful position for you. IT's more victimhood Even if it's true, it's not helping you - and DBing is about doing what works.
It took her weeks to get around to doing her part. I just got the bill and it turns out I'm being charged $100 for HER phone and an "upgrade fee" because she got a new phone. So, I text her tell her her # showed up and if she wanted to just write me a check and I'll pay it. Well, the woman who makes 10 times what I do texts back that she payed the last bill (when she lived at home) and this was just a "prorated" thing so I need to pay it! It is NOT a prorated thing, it's her first month and "upgrade fee" and she needs to pay it! I can't believe this woman! She takes home over $1000 a week after taxes and knows I'm barely making it and she wants me to pay HER bill!
Matt, this^^ is repetitive complaining and the only use for venting is when it helps you unwind. A lot of times venting keeps us stuck or going in circles and not taking an exit ramp off the "loop". I see you venting here, but you're NOT unwinding at all, you're winding UP and spiraling, and then returning a day or two later and spinning your wheels again.
What GAL activities are you doing? What are your 180s? What are you doing for YOUR LIFE TO IMPROVE?
She is just unbelieveable! The woman who stayed at home for over 15 years many of them after she could have gone back to work and I made enough to pay all the bills and keep 2 kids in private school,
About that private school...i know a change at this age is hard. We had our 2 oldest change high schools with moves, and it iS hard. But Just so you know, my h and I both went to public schools and so did our kids. We and they all ended up at excellent colleges, and graduated with honors.
I want you to know that attending a public school is not exactly a plunge into a 3rd world existence.
Maybe your d's were really lucky to have attended private schools for as long as they did, or maybe that tuition could have been used for college now... but my h and I put ourselves thru all of our schooling including, 2 medical degrees and law school) so I think if your d's are motivated enough, they'll get thru a 4 year program somewhere decent.
Don't blame every single bad event on your w's choice to leave. And don't teach your d's to do that either. At some point you and your d's will have to live with the choices YOU make in this situation. You are not responsible for your w's choices but you are responsible for yours. It's time to make the best of the situation and play the cards you were dealt, as well as you can play them.
Do you see how you have allowed a lot of this? Like by letting your wife take all the furniture ---b/c apparently you told her she could (or that things were not important to you??)...
Hey if that is so, then you have to stop being so angry about it. OR tell her you changed your mind. But If it's not true, if you did not tell her that, then speak up to her.
Some of this is stuff you are allowing and some if it you are even creating. You need to recognize that, and own your choices to manage your sandbox. We all do.
Make sense?
who knows that $100 is a lot harder for me to handle wants ME to pay for HER new phone upgrade! What is wrong with this woman? Oh, wait she's deep in "all about me" land where stealing from me is OK. I guess I just forgot that she is the center of the universe for a min. I should charge her for the flour and sugar she took!
I'm just at the point where I have no expectations of her and she still finds ways to piss me off! Money is a weird thing with her and always has been. Even the kids talk about how weird my W is when it comes to money. She always thinks that she is going to go broke any day and the world is going to come to an end! Funny how when I was making the money she didn't have a problem spending on her new clothes and sexy underwear and bathing suits and shoes, going out with her friends (when I would say we should go out for dinner she would say we can't afford it then go out with her work friends the next day!).
Matt, this^^ is stinking thinking and mind reading big time. It gets you nowhere. You are still going in anger circles. Take the exit ramp, go to a scenic overlook and STOP AND BREATHE...
Take it easy. Slow down and stop "venting" b/c it is not helping you at all. It's keeping you stuck in victimhood.
FYI, when I read my old posts from years ago, they make me mad all over again. It's not useful or healthy to recite all the reasons I had for being angry or hurt. So I don't do that anymore. I'd urge you not to keep going over the grievance list from the marriage.
It's not helping you to do that, and though there are other reasons for not doing it, that's the main one. It's not helping you.
I texted her back that she was wrong about the "prorated" thing and that she needs to pay this but she has ignored that. Oh, well I know I will get an angry response since I told her she was "wrong" about something! I forgot, since B-day she is NEVER wrong about anything! I need to just relax and let this go but I'll be danged if she just doesn't seem to find a way to just get under my skin!
Matt you are letting her under your skin. When you start feeling more in control of your life this will lessen. And you need to be in control of your life b/c it's your responsibility.
So let's figure out what YOU are doing for YOU and your future...can you make your next post about that and maybe other things going on with your d's? Not about your wife..I promise you it will help your heart to heal if you don't keep picking at the scab and focussing on it.
Can you tell us one FUN thing you are doing this month? And any other GAL plans? And again, what 180s are you doing? Matt, where are you in the Div Remedy book? Also, your d's are watching you and they need a rock for a father.
A rock father is a man they can rely on to be strong and in control of himself. A man who isn't spinning his wheels and fuming all the time about what his wife did to him that day...
and the more you act out this way (reacting to every thing she says or does --or you think she thinks or says or does)
the more you teach them to give away their life's happiness and power to others. Not a lesson you want to pass on to your kids.
MATT--- I think you have a real chance to be the "Rock Father" your d's need.
You can be there for your girls, to model what a man of honor, strength & dignity does in times of adversity. Never criticize their mom to them or in front of them. She is the mother of your children and you must show them that women deserve respect even when they act out (b/c they are young women and you need to teach them not to have men in their lives who would mistreat them).
Try not to show them so much of your fears and worries b/c they must already be terrified that their worlds are falling apart. And Blaming your wife for everything isn't in your d's best interests. I really do believe you want what is best for them, so Wouldn't it be better to tell them & show them, how you'll help them adapt? (IOW, reassure them of how you and they will still be alright in the end.)
By you behaving calmly, with strength & confidence about where YOU are going in your life, and how important your d's are to you, how loved they are, how kind and loving you are, Matt---understand --- What a contrast you will be, to their weird selfish grandfather....and they WILL notice this. You need not point it out. Just BE the contrast.
.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25, First of all I'm fine, nor do I have any "fear" of the future. Just because I vent here does not mean I go home and tell my D's that their mother didn't pay HER bill for HER phone nor do I whine or complain. I have taught my D's all their lives that there is nothing "fair" about life and you handle whatever comes and move ahead. The fact is I am the only stable thing my D14 has in her life since her mother has decided to become obsessed about herself and replaying her "lost" years. She has rained a S$3t storm of hurt down on her D's, her family, my family without a thought to how it affects anyone else. I have to be the one to tell my D that my W has filed as she refused to tell her herself or with me. I'm tired of dealing with a selfish, egotistical, immature, anxious, W and the fact is she can afford to pay for her own dam phone and knows that it is a lot harder for me to afford to pay the extra right now than it is for her.
I have NEVER treated their mother with anything other than respect, in front of them or not! God knows she doesn't deserve my respect at times. I am happy with the way my life is going and because I'm pissed off that she is trying to steal $100 from me doesn't mean my "happiness" level is any lower. The happiest person in the world would be upset if they were mugged. They would vent about it, try to get justice and the money back, but it doesn't mean that because they got pissed that they were stolen from that they are no longer "happy" in general.
So, from the post it seems that you think after I had texted with my W, I went home acted angry or unhappy or pissed, told my D that her mother was just a horrible person, ran into my bedroom and moaned. Not what happened. My D and I ate, watched a movie, laughed and played with the dogs. The fact is I am the ONLY stable thing my D's have in their lives. My W manipulates them both when they see her, tries to make them feel bad if they spend more time with me and lies to them. She has told me that, even though she can afford it, she will not help pay for D14's school but tells her to her face that she will "try" and send her! There is more to my D going to private school then just her having to go to public school. She knows NO ONE at the public school, she has been preparing to go to this school her whole life as both my W and I have always promised her she would go. She already has her sister now grad. and no longer there for her. Her parents are getting a D. She now spends half her time at one house and the other half at another. She is starting HS this year and up to now has never had more than 10 people in her class and will now have 40. She went to school with the same kids every year all her life and they were like brothers and sisters, she has zero experience at making new friends and while that is a good skill to have, right now with everything going on in her life it isn't a good time for her to be forced to learn that skill. Then there is the reason why the kids have been in private school all their lives...the schools here where we live are HORRIBLE! I'm glad you did well in public school, so did I. But the school I went to was decent and run well. The schools in this state are some of the worst in the nation. My MIL is a teacher in a local district. Even she says the schools are horrible!
I do not "blame" my wife for "everything", only what she is responsible for. I couldn't be any MORE calm when dealing with my D's while my W is as not calm as she can be. Why you would think I was anything BUT calm around my D's I don't know. Just what am I "blaming" my W for that isn't her fault? Whether or not she chose to have a MLC, she is making choices every day that are selfish, wrong and quite frankly she would never do to anyone else. She is so afraid to "offend" other people except me of course. I've seen her eat more money unfairly when situations came up at work many times. It's just me that she thinks she can treat like a piggy bank even when I don't have money to afford it.
The fact is my W has made a mess not just of her own life but everyone around her lives. My D19 is now unable to live at home and go to school since now that my W refuses to help pay for her school or a car to get there (which she had told my D19 she was going to do until now when it's too late to make other plans)even though she can well afford to do so. This leaves the best option for her to live with her boyfriend who lives close enough to walk to school and any job she can get. Of course that is no reason for her to live with someone but she has no other option for now. My D14 is now going to be forced to deal with so many things all at once after a lifetime of her mother telling her over and over that D was wrong, she would never do that to her kids. I'm left to clean up HER mess.
I couldn't be more kind and loving with my girls. The fact is I have a great relationship with them both and they feel very safe with me. I am perfectly fine with every choice I have made throughout this whole sitch. I have not taught my D's anything that I'm not proud to have them learn. Everything you have talked about makes fine sense and is good advice for anyone. I just am not doing anything other than what you talk about. I am able to vent here about the stupid, selfish things that my W does and at the same time be the stable influence in my girls lives that they need. God help them if that changes because it is certain that their mother is not anywhere close to able to provide them with anything close to this.
I don't think you understood 90% of my post. . I just asked you to focus on yourself and the GAL and 180s, and talked about how valuable the contrast between you and your FIL could be....
But you got defensive and then spent the whole post defending yourself and b1tching at your wife (again).
I'm glad you are happy with "every single choice" you have made. You're probably the only person who has made zero mistakes.
So, Why come here? Oh, to vent? Well Do you feel a lot happier? B/c your posts tend to focus solely on the negatives. That was the other point I made which you then pretty much proved.
I hope you will read the last 2 paragraphs of my post to you and reflect a little, since I took a lot of time to support you.
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 07/18/1405:45 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Matt, I thought 25 made some astute observations regarding your posts, and offered you some sound advice. She is not attacking your character, so there should be little reason to defend yourself to the extent you have. That you felt compelled to do so tells me there may be something there for you to look at.
Look, you have to make your situation work for you, in your own way. As long as you are doing that and content about it, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. We talked about this before. Thank posters for their time, concern, and advice, and move on.
Just like we can't take anything our spouses do or say personally, we need to do the same with everyone else! Either you're good with yourself or...
Keep On, my friend, you're getting there!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
