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Having a plan:
Hitting the reset button has not been easy these past three months. I have set myself a timeline to keep my hot head in check. I have made so many mistakes in this journey. I am trying to see these as learning opportunities but can't help but kick myself for being so impatient and not having a better understanding of where we were in our journey.

I really didn't have a plan before. This made evaluating progress a random thing which wafted depending on how I was feeling. Which led to so many poor decisions and actions.

My long term goals:
1. To have a great relationship with God.
2. To have a great relationship with myself.
3. To have great relationships with my W, children, family and friends.

To support these, I need:
1. To have and sustain a good level of energy: emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually and financially.
2. Do things that I am passionate about.
3. Look after myself.
4. To forgive myself.
5. To forgive her.

Short term (next 3-6 months) goals & progress:
1. To re-establish communication with W (in progress): We have texted a few times to arrange a time for us to talk. We have talked four times since coming out of the no communication phase.

I have tried to validate as much as I can even when she said she was sure we were doing the right thing ending our M. The old me would have jumped me to reason why we had not done everything and what options we still haven't pursued.

One positive note: She has moved from not being sure if she even wanted us to be friends in the first call to asking what I though about us staying in touch more with the potential for friendship a few weeks later. She did add though that she needs a few weeks of space before this can happen.

2. To re-establish a safe space for us to communicate honestly (to follow): We are still a long way from this. W has been uncharacteristically up beat during the calls. My read was that she was excited about a new life with someone else.

Our last call was very tense and awkward with a brief conversation about if I would stay in the house and a separation agreement. I need to detach more which will allow me to be more of my authentic self and which will help with creating that safe and honest space for us to communicate.

3. To have W back away from separation (TBD): She has told her close friends and family. She had not told them the first time we separated. This scares me as it is a sign that she really is set on this path.

4. To have W back away from divorce (TBD): Still a long way away.

5. To have us both in the same city (TBD): At this stage, this is wishful thinking on my part. She has made it clear she won't move back here and does not want me to see her.

To support this, I need:
1. To be my true self when we do interact.
2. To validate where possible.
3. To detach from having expectations.
4. To believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
5. To be patient.
6. To test any key decisions or actions with this board to make sure I am not being emotionally reactive at the expense of any progress being made.

Patience: This was a surprising realization for me-that I am not patient when it comes to my W. Upon reflection, this is perhaps the biggest lesson I am learning which applies to all areas in my life.

Along with that is how emotionally reactive I get which leads me to making decisions (like saying I wanted a divorce) even though the outcome I want is to have a strong, happy, healthy relationship with W.

Even though it has been seven weeks since we re-initiated communication,it feels much longer than that. Having a timeline in mind helps to detach, to get some perspective and to keep me focused.

When that fails, I post on this board to get the much needed outside perspective.

Discipline and clarity: I am scared shitless today. Our four year anniversary is this week. It will be ten years since we first became a couple. I don't feel good about where we are one bit. I feel so disconnected from her: I don't really know how she is, what she is thinking and if she is with someone else. DB feels like an impossible journey right now. On days like today, I wonder if I am fooling myself.

And it is not only that I am scared about whether or not we will reconcile. I am also scared about what would happen if we did.

My prayer this week has been: Don't let me give up for the wrong reasons. Let me stay for the right reasons.

On days like today, I have to force myself to stay focused on my plan and timeline. There may come a point to throw in the towel. Just not today.

Long distance: I read once that there is no such thing as a long distance relationship. I don't know if that is true. What I do know is that making a relationship work when you are not physically together takes patience, commitment and dedication. The same as any relationship. However, the challenge is the added hurdle to building emotional and physical intimacy.

Saving a marriage that is also a long distance one...that needs a miracle.

Pros:
-Time and space: I have a lot of time.
-Peace: But is a pseudo peace but only because we can delay/defer uncomfortable situations by the simple fact that we are not in the same space.

Cons:
-It is hard to build and maintain physical and emotional intimacy.
-We are maintaining a pattern of avoiding issues and the potential to resolve them by simply not talking. More precisely by not being around we can defer them or not address them all together.
-It feels easier to just give up.
-It is tough getting a read on each other: We have talked only a few times but I think we are both trying to put on a brave face. It makes it easy to mind read. I can second guess myself over and over as to why she is upbeat during these calls.

What has been working this time round:
-Validating
-Trying to stay positive during our interactions
-Focusing on my growth and what I need to improve about myself instead of being focused on W and my perceptions of her faults and flaws(I am still working on this).
-Trying to focus on life beyond this phase. Realizing that reconciling is not an end in itself but part of the journey towards the bigger goal of a great life is helping.
-Running(I mean physically running 3-5 miles). Helps to energize me and boost my mood.
-Reconnecting with God, faith and spiritual growth: I didn't outright turn away. I just let my spiritual life become very passive.
-Letting go of any expectations but not giving up on her.
-Talking about the situation with a very close friend and with a life coach for outside perspective.
-Getting additional outside perspective from this board (thanks Betsey, Sandi and all the others who have chipped in).
-Being outdoors: Love the sun.


What seemed to work before the separation:
-Flowers: She melted every time she got them (birthday, anniversary). She would text me photos of the flowers once she received them, even during the coldest of fronts. For a brief moment, she was her old self.
-Standing up to her: I have become a lot more assertive. After some initial resistance, she almost always warmed up to me during recent arguments.
-Talking on the phone versus Facetime. At first Facetime was great as we could literally see each other but W would get very stressed about these calls. I started the switch to phone calls which seemed to ease her mind especially during January-February of this year.
-Running
-Flirting

What hasn't seemed to work this time round:
-Going dark: Based on the few conversation we have had, I feel like I waited too long.
-Asking her to reconsider her decision that we are done.
-The long distance.
-Backtracking on the ultimatum on honesty about the EA.
-Feeling sorry for myself.

What didn't work before the separation:
-Being emotionally reactive: Specifically, when discovering EA.
-Focusing too much on apologizing.
-The long distance.
-Snooping.
-Trying different approaches without allowing for time to see the results.
-Telling certain friends who saw divorce as the best option.
-Feeling sorry for myself.

Thanks Betsey. It was wishful thinking on my part. A light bulb went off when I read that.

How was the long weekend with Ds?

I think I slipped up on the 4th. We had a brief email exchange about logistics and I signed off with funny cartoon, wishing her a great weekend. I was in a bit of a playful mood but I think that was stretching it there.

Some movement. W sent me this message: I know this isn't where either of us thought we'd be on our anniversary. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you today.