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Thank you for sharing the email Tarheel, that's helpful.



My thought on doing it before is that the kids and I are leaving a week before H comes out. Which gives OW a week of interrupted time to whisper in his ear without my influence. I'm afraid he'll up and move out while I'm gone. He had previously promised not to, but then again he told my he had given up the A just a week or so before he rolled in at 6:30am after having spent all night with OW. Lots to think about.

Rpp, I'm so sorry your going through this. I don't have much expertise, but I am in IC which has been a great outlet for venting my frustrations so they don't come out at home or with people who wouldn't be supportive of my decision to stand for my M.

My H mentioned S and D a number of times a few months ago. The first time he mentioned S I told him that wasn't my preference. I thought about it for a night and told him that we needed ground rules if he was going to move out because my ultimate goal wasn't to D. (This was prior to reading DR and realizing that my behavior wasn't helping) He did not move out. I think he was caught off guard by my suggestion. He later mentioned D and I begged, pleaded did all the things you shouldn't do. He still didn't move out. I realized after awhile that when he mentioned D , it was always right during the heat of a disagreement about him staying out drinking. I stopped picking fights about that and just decided he had to make his own decisions and I wasn't going to make him feel bad about them anymore. If he stayed out and texted me I'd say "enjoy your night." His logic was so unpredictable I realized reasoning wasn't going to work. This did though. He started seeing that he doesn't know every reaction I'm going to have. IC is a great place to talk about actions your thinking of taking. The counselor is a great sounding board . Mine was invaluable in how I handled the D discussion the last time. Good luck!

I probably shouldn't have done this, but because of a situation with S18 that I've been discussing with H, I told H (by text) that I had pointed out to S18 that happiness is a choice, not something that randomly happens to you and no one else is responsible for your happiness. I shouldn't have done it because H's main complaint is that he "hasn't been happy for a while". I have very little outside that statement to work with and so it's as if I'm chastising him directly. Which I sort of am, of course, but I felt like S18 needed to hear it so I said it.

Yea, should not have done that. Especially since you recognized your motive in chastising your H and used your S18 as a tool to do that. Big no no. And ultimately whatever result you THOUGHT you could achieve through your H is not going to happen.

Remember, you cannot control or change him with anything you say. Only through your own actions and changing the way he sees you, and thereby changing the way he treats you, can you affect a change in his behavior. No shortcuts

Just to clarify, I made the comment to S18 last night and only told H this afternoon as we were discussing the situation by text . I was not trying to convey a message to H through S. Still. I know I should have refrained from that detail. I am just really tired of the lack of any real conversation between us. We have no R discussions and I have not asked a single question about OW. I am tired of this and I cracked.

So you backslid a little. Who cares. Start over and try again. It didnt cause that much harm Im sure. You are going to have many times like this that you make mistakes. Just realize what your mistake was and try not to repeat it. Dont beat yourself up about it.

Thanks, Ben.

H and S18 are away for college orientation yesterday and today. S18 is mad at both of us over an issue regarding next week's vacation, but at least we are presenting a united front to him.

Last night I went to a wine tasting by myself, which was huge for me, I'm not particularly a social person. I had a good time and was home in time for dinner with the girls. It was a baby step in the GAL department and I'm happy with it.

I am so sorry that you are experiencing such disappointment. I hope your session with the IC went well. I am also suggesting that you speak to a Divorce Busting Coach. Our coaches are professionals with the knowledge of what needs to be said and done to keep your marriage and family together. Call me to discuss our DB Coaching program 303-444-7004

I'm back from the last family vacation of the summer.

Right before I left, I sent the proposed separation agreement, which he was thrilled to receive. Said he'd already been looking for apartments online and wanted to move out September 1st. This is devastating to me. That's so soon. I just don't know how I'm going to do this......

I'm feeling a bit better about the separation today. I had a conversation with D16 yesterday that makes me think getting him out of the house might actually be a good thing. She has his sharp tongue and when they butt heads it's particularly ugly.

I don't understand myself, though. How can I look back at the M and realize how poorly I've been treated for a long time, look at how he's treating my D, and still want him to stay? I feel like there's something wrong with me.