Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers How am I doing this ?

Zew , thx for that > That is exactly whats going on in my sitch . And i figure as long ashe is in our bed she is still not sure what she wants ( fogged ) We still even have contact at night sometimes but nothing sexually as of yet . ( i wish there was sex ) Any way she said she was gonna leave and hasnt . I think allowing her cake eating until the fog lifts is my plan for now , but that could change if it goes on too long .

Dawgy, forget the sex. Put that way out there. It's way more important to get the R on solid ground first. If you value the R, you can go without; really, you can and you must.

Just to be clear - the fact that she is in your bed does not mean anything. She may or may not be sure of what she wants. It may simply mean that she doesn't want the consequences/expense of leaving. I don't say this to be cruel; I say it to warn you that you should not try to "mind read" what her actions mean. Don't set yourself up for disappointment by assuming that she is staying for you. For example, in my case, W would have left if she could have financially. She couldn't, so she figures she could "go along to get along" until she can afford to leave. She is finding this harder to implement than she thought. (yay!)

Allowing your W to eat cake is generally not a good thing. A lack of consequences for her does not motivate her toward any decision or realization. But you must also know that you can't really impose the consequences; they must come from her choices.

This may be overwhelming - if you give more detail, you will get more insight. Key point - you have time. Relax. Don't do anything drastic.

Good points zew.

That is what I think may be happening with my WAW at this point.

Dawgy, I am the king of mindreading, I don't want to be but I don't know to shake it. I have gotten better but still not there.
Zew is right try not to set yourself up for disappointment by putting too much stock in the fact that she hasn't left yet or you are still in the same bed.

I hope everything works out for you, hang in there!!

The mind reading is difficult . I do it all the time .Just when i think she is warming up to me she goes the opposite ten minutes later . When i think she is gone cold and hard she comes up to me and is warm and friendly . I cant figure her out at all . Which makes me believe in the FOG all the more . If I didnt believe in the FOG we would be done , The thought that she is being influenced by brain chemicals and this A will burn out eventually is keeping me in there . If there was no FOG and no end in sight for the A I would be moving on . She has just cause me too..... much pain and agony through this to forgive her if i didnt believe in the FOG .If the FOG was to clear and she came to me and authentically apologized for what she has done to us and our family and swore to never do it again and be transparent during our rebuilding then i can honestly say i would be ok and we would stay together > I trully believe in my marriage vows and i thought she did too

Wow not much feed back or support the last couple days . Do i have to start another new thread . Reading DR . Its a good read but Im questioning alot of things right now . Detachment totally works to make you feel alot less pain , I will agree with that but as far as pulling away draws her to you , Im not seeing it . She is just as distant if not more so since I started detaching and i know my wife . She probably thinks i dont care anymore and have given up . So this tells her that she can do whatever she wants now , just like being single . Which leads me to ultimatums . Stop cheating or pack your bags . She hasnt moved out like she said she was going to . Not sure why , likely because she doesnt have to . I mean she can run around with her stud and I dont seem to care because of detachment > Im not snooping so I dont even know how often she sees him or is she seeing someone else . How could I know . At least when i was snooping I knew the status of what was going on , when and where . I had a little control , now I have no control . I have alot of concerns

Sometimes you don't get much traffic, just keep journaling though.

You don't want to snoop. You may think you know what's going on, but it won't do you any good and it could harm your cause.

Plus, no you don't have control. The only person you can or should control is yourself.

i have to say one thing about all this turmoil im in , it does put life into perspective . And you find a complete whole new meaning to the word "love " . Its means so much more to me than it ever did before . And ive learned that you never reallly know what someone is thinking . Even the closest person to you could be thinking totally different than you truly believe

I think what you're seeing as control is an illusion. For me, one of the hardest things to come to terms with is the feelings of loss of control and the desire to fix things, change his perspective, argue my points, and know exactly what's going on.

Focus on controlling yourself as opposed to focusing on controlling the situation. Also, try not to assume what she's thinking and feeling - keep detaching.

Hi Dawgy. Sorry, lost your thread but found it again. It's a week into July and you thought she was going to leave July 1st. That should tell you that the DBing is working. If you had kept up the pursuing, begging & pleading she would have been out the door a week ago, IMHO.
Are you being upbeat? Are you taking care of yourself; exercising, eating well, grooming impeccably, GAL? Did you read the section in DR about "When she won't end the A"? I used to read that daily, sometimes 2 or 3 times.
Keep up the no snooping. Good self-control! You're doing well. It will take time. Try taking up a hobby: knitting, skydiving, anything to get out and GAL.

Thx for finding me Pete . I was feeling likely my sitch was too cliche' and no one was interested in helping . Its true shes still there . Last week all i cared about was the hope she wouldnt leave and she hasnt . But that satisfaction was short lived . Im havind trouble not knowing whats goin on because ive detached . I dont know if shes still in the A ( Im sure she is )or maybe shes with someone else . She said something funny to me on Sunday when she said she was going to Town for coffee . Well I know coffee means to be with OM so I casually said " off to see him eh ? " then she says I have coffee with alot of other people > WOW what does that mean ?