Matt165 I live in NY so it's a no-fault state. He has not yet started proceedings, I just recieved a letter that they'd like to do this "ammicably" and so my lawyer should contact his. I have not yet been served. Because I know this is an important decision I have one more consult scheduled for July 8th before I decide who to go with. I'm trying to hire someone I am comfortable with, who will do things at my pace and comfort level and not their own. I just can't stand that I'm being rushed into this... that it's being shoved down my throat.
You're right, all he wants to do is run. I wish he would just move out and go be "happy". It would make things so much easier for me and the kids. It would be hard on them initially but at this point lets just rip off the bandaid and be done with it. I don't know why he's prolonging the inevitable. You are pursuing the divorce yet you are still sitting around as if all is the same. Get out and move on with your fantasy life. Move in with OW into the neighborhood you've mentioned before you want to live in and go enjoy. Let her take care of you.
Just like your W my H is also in an extreme hurry to get the D overwith. Unlike your W I dont know that his pace will slow down. After all, he has to "wipe the slate clean and start from scratch", he has to start his life all over again. You know, he'll just push a button and me and the kids will just disappear.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
Cadet I know you're right and I have to just face my inevitable future. It's just a hard pill to swallow ehn for the past 2.5 months I've been trying to DB and cling onto any hope I may have. At this point I really need to let go and proceed with my life without him. I have to treat him as you said, as if we're divorced.
This is all just so earth shattering to me. I wish I could fast forward to 2 years from now and be wherever it is I will be then. With my kids adjusted to their new life and us rebuilding. I just don't want to shoulder this right now but I know I have no choice. He has made the decision for us and I have to accept it. That's my only option.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
OH NO, Ssarah.. You were not a bad wife... That is the dance MLCer plays in your mind.. What makes a healthy relationship? - Good communication - respect - devotion - honesty - loyalty - integrity - support - you WANT to do things for your mate that will make them feel good about themselves, things that will put a smile on their face..
MLCer are betraying the foundation of a healthy relationship by having OW(s). Their struggle IS WITH THEMSELF. Not you
I to, have thought I might of been able to change for him and be what he wanted me to be but the truth is I could never be what he wanted cause what he loved me for is everything he wanted me to change..There is absolutely nothing I could do right. He needed justification and I was destroying myself by changing to try and please him.. that is when I chose to be a person I admire, love and respect.. I worked on my weaknesses and work on me FOR ME and my kids.
I understand that this has gone quickly and the desire to drag your feet on the divorce - but two things to consider:
1) Being too obvious about dragging your feet makes it look like you're not detached - far better (usually) to drop the rope and at least LOOK like you're accepting it and moving on; the WAS is more likely to rethink things if they're no longer sure they've got you as their fallback Plan B option.
You can still do things to slow down the process if you want, but don't be too obvious about it.
2) You may get a better settlement out of him now, while he's anxious to move on and still has a little remorse, than later once he's locked into a battle mentality.
Also - right now he has no sense of what divorce will really be like. How about approaching him and saying "H, since we're getting divorced, I think it's time for a few changes. While you are still living here, I think we need to start implementing a schedule. Every other weekend you will have the kids and I will do my own thing. Also, you can do your own laundry from now on. "
Do talk to your lawyer first, as any precedent you set about custody and visitation may have implications in your divorce. Also, if you can;t trust him for a weekend with the kids, try an evening or two a week - will also give you a chance to see if he's incompetent to have unsupervised visitation.
Exquisitetobe it's funny you say that because much of what drew him to me is what he is now using as ammo against me. He used to always tell me that the main reason he fell in love with me was because I'm nurturing and he knew I would make an amazing mom. Yet now one of his main gripes is that I was too involved with the kids and didn't focus on him enough. Mind you my kids were 2 and 6 months when he said this. What is it exactly that you wanted me to do, told them to wait because I have to tend to daddy first. I get that I should have balanced things better, paid more attention to him, but I genuinely did not know he felt that way. I was also not getting much help from him. I thought we were both adults and knew that these kids depend on us to survive and so they have to be our priority right now. Soon after BD he yelled at me saying all you give a $hit about is the kids, you completely discarded me, I'm right here, I'm in your face, I needed attention too! Those are the things I struggle with the most. Those are the things I blame myself for.
From your list of what makes a good relationship the only thing we were missing since the birth of my son was good communication (which may be the most important of the list). We lost sight of one another in it all and so now I own that and I think that's where me blaming myself comes from. You wonder if you gave them what they needed would this have happened. Maybe it's not MLC, maybe I made him crazy because of my neglect. I have no idea anymore.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
Sarah, please don't blame yourself for H's behavior. It does not help you. You did a good job with the M and the kids, the best you knew how. Nothing you did or didn't do justifies what your H is doing now.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
kml, that is such sound advice. Thank you for that. One of the lawyers I consulted with told me the same thing.. that while he's anxious I may end up getting a better settlement. That his guilt over the A is a good thing right now and will only help me. I just need to get myself over the hump. I need to accept that this is my fate and that I can't do anything about it. The D goes against every fiber in me and so that is why I'm struggling.
And you're right, he has absolutely no idea what's coming. He thinks I'm going to continue living in our house with his parents 2 blovks away and that he will come and go as he pleases. He thinks he will wash his hands of all responsibility and will ge to be the fun one when he feels like coming around. Since BD he has done exactly that. he has never stayed with the kids while I did something. He just tells me, get a babysitter. My concern is that he is not compitent enough to handle them. When the D does go through I guarantee that the nights he's to have them he will be bringing them to his mothers, hanging there for a bit, then leaving them there while he does his thing. He can't be bothered with them right now.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
Sarah, You don't want to fast forward. I know it seems like nothing good can come from this but it can. Use this time to decide who you want to be, just you. The fact that the MLC S has made the choices for us weighs on every LBS. It is the most common thing that hurts us all. This is a crucible. How you come out on the other side depends on the choices you make over the next 2 years. I see on this board so many who have used their sitchs to become better people, better parents. As painful as it is now, you WILL come out of this. The choices you make now will decide if you are better for it or just bitter and angry.
Things are so fresh for you (and me) right now. You are still at the start where it's so easy to get lost in the anger, pain and bitterness. All they do is hold you back. Stop thinking that you somehow caused this. I wasted so much time trying to change for HER, not me and nothing I did could or would ever make a difference. That's because the thing they are running from is inside them. We didn't put it there or cause it.
Right now the best I can hope for is that someday my W realizes that I nor her M were the cause of her pain. That she see's the damage that she has caused everyone who loves her most in the world and can feel remorse for it. Until she is out of her tunnel I really don't want her back in our lives as as soon as things got just a little hard, she would just run again.
Live by your values. Be the person you strive to be. By doing this you can hold your head up and know that YOU did the right thing and didn't let circumstances dictate whether you did the right thing or gave into your baser instincts. Set an example for your kids of how one faces adversity. You can do this Sarah!
Thanks Matt165. You're right with so much you say. The one thing I also hope and pray for is that one day my H wakes up and realizes what he's done. That he realizes what he lost and that it wasn't what he painted it to be after all. That he misses his family and what we had. He is so twisted in his view and so dead set on the decision he made that it's hard to imagine him snapping out of this ever and realizing things. I'm grasping more and more that this is so much greater and deeper then Anyone could understand. I'm slowly realizing and it sinking in for me that the old H I yearn for is gone. Maybe to be replaced by someone similar in years ahead or maybe to be gone forever. It's just so crazy to think about what happens to them. How the force of the MLC could be so great that it just wipes them clean and fills them with such negativity and hate. It's like they're hypnotized or under a spell. It's something that is unimaginable until you're involved and then it just hell.
But you're right I have to try and keep my head up. I definitely have had my moments of weakness and today was one of those moments. He just really got into my head and I need to learn how to block that.. not let him get the best of me.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
