Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Long term marriage - husband quit!

No, maybe I miswrote, "getting my power back" to me means I'm not so dependent on his attentions and love that I crumble when he withdraws it.

I mean it in a humble sense of self.
to recap:
8 weeks ago = big fight = He's done. (Daughters 18th birthday)
First 2.5 weeks = pleading and begging by me
Second 3 weeks = no pleading but "convincing" him to stay.
Next 3 weeks = He told me @ 2 weeks ago he is "talking" to someone. I have been 100% complete 180 since. To be truthful, one night I broke and cried and begged.

I went on vacation to "breathe" - 10 days + him out of country 7 days. Almost 3 weeks of no contact - except short text. Have followed 180 to the BEST of my ability.

But have had to set some boundaries.
#1. I am not ready to divorce. I know who I am and what I believe in. - (He was pushing like mad for a divorce from week 2.5)
Boundary #2. As long as OW/Girlfriend/someone he's "talking to" in the picture, AT ALL there will be no talk about "us". (He never wants to talk about "us" anyway, unless it is a tear down of me..)
We still live in same house (tho he is rarely here - stays at friends (co-workers) I think.).
In 8 weeks I have not lost my temper/name called/used contempt or complain. I will not argue in anger = this infuriates him, has from day one.
I have prayed, meditated, journaled, educated myself, exercised and tore myself down to the core for the last few months. No one who knows me can believe my patience and attitude.

I go from hopeless to sad. Nothing seems to be making an impression. The 180 has been noted, but used against me as "ignoring him" ( I think he means ignoring his desires for a divorce!). He sees any effort I put into communication as "manipulation".

He says I will not change. Tho I think this other woman is probably the real issue. As long as that lasts, I am in the dog house. His words are so cruel. I don't know how long I can do this.....

Is there a recommended time for this? I have been thru 8 weeks, have been 180 at least two solid weeks, plan on trying for another 4 months.. then re evaluate my situation.

Heck, even our priest (who has saved me with direction in prayer) told me tonight to put a limit on my suffering. When I can't see myself putting up with any more to end it.

Something inspiring Father W told me tonight:

"If both of you can look at each other even remember or see a scrap of the person you married, there is hope."

That goes hand in hand with the 180 concepts of GAL and re finding yourself.

Had my first "he left you for another woman who is better than you" dream. Heard of these, but never had one before.

What a horrible thing. If you could find out information about the OW, should I do it? I know the book says (DR) to basically ignore her and not think about this situation.

I am afraid any info I get may blow up in my face, seen as "control". Other advice I have read is "get a background/financial check" if you can. Too see if there are other motives.

I am worried about this. I am an artist, and when I SEE them together, or a picture of them together, it is really going to be a life changer for me. So I am doing the best to prepare myself...

Thanks,
BGS

I mean, how did other BS deal with this image/info/picture successfully?

Is there such a thing as preparing yourself? Currently I am finding the no contact/very limited contact as a positive thing for my emotional health. I really need this time to process....

Thank you

Geeze, one more.

Today there is a bridal shower for a nephew on "that" side of the family. I RSVPed and bought/ made gift. I have decided I'm going. I FB a SIL (H's brothers wife, who has been supportive during all this.) She encouraged us all to come, but I know my daughters will not. I will sit with them, I guess...

Besides looking great, smiling and NOT talking about WS, is there any advice on how to handle this situation? I genuinely do like this nephew and wish his marriage well.
I want to see all the nieces and nephews from that side again, too.

Any advice on how to brace myself?

BGS

I can't give advice, but I have been 100% cut off by him since bd.
this is both easy and hard. I do understand the dreams, I used to dream all sorts, I thought I was going nuts. That was the point I got medicated. I hardly slept in 5 weeks.

At bd he said I made him sucidal! Mmmm I not sure he would understand the meaning.

Bugsby, live your life as if he'a gone (after all, he is).

Don't try to mindread and what good will snooping do you. If he's having an affair, he's doing it whether you know about it or not. If it's a deal-breaker for you, then so be it. If it isn't, knowing about it doesn't change your course of action-or inaction, as the case may be.

Accept that the pain you're feeling is a part of the process and will recede. Spend time doing what you've always wanted to do but didn't because you didn't have time, or he didn't like it or whatever the reason was.

No contact is a positive thing for you. It allows you to get your feet on the ground after the being knocked of them by the BD. My H and I were S for over 3 years and had very little contact during that time and most of that contact was email about our sons.

What has your H said are his reasons for leaving? Even if you don't agree with him it's helpful for perspective.

What are the things you've accepted and let go of?

I accepted and let go of my desire to try to control. I have let this go. Even tho I am an alpha person, I have realized the destructive power trying to "win, control or manipulate" another person over is. Sometimes, things do not go/will not go my way. Put on your big girl pants and DEAL.

I accepted and acknowledge his feelings of not being appreciated for his contributions (I took him for granted). I have accepted, left it on the alter.

I have accepted my responsibility of contempt. Not only in my marriage, but contemptuous speech and actions with others. I have dedicated myself to working on talking to people as equals, not to act as if I am on the "slightly higher ground". Using names, sarcasm or criticism/judgement as my position. (this one hurt a lot to fully realize. Contempt is a very powerful tool, that is easy to abuse.)

He called this morning. Talking in circles about his feelings. I let him vent, for awhile.

He is obviously whacking away at my boundary (no divorce talk, period and no relationship talk until he is ready to get rid of ow/girlfriend/whatever and commit.)

He sounds very foggy (still blames me for everything. Thinks girls would be "just fine" had we told them differently.. )

I listened, and let it go. He said he wants a divorce, but wants me to "pursue" him. I begged and pleaded for a few weeks, only to get slugged back. (not physically).

One one hand, he wants me to grovel, admit it is all my fault, and feel like crap.
Then he wants to confirm his divorce talk.

At this time, he is "living" in this house, I expect him to pay the customary bills. I usually buy clothes from my budget. He says his work clothes are all ratty (OW a co worker?)
He wants to know if I will pay for clothes?

What should I do? On one hand "a deal is a deal", on the other HE CHOSE this circus, these are his monkeys.... do I cough up $$$ for new clothes?