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Be niiiiice, Train.


Or not. Whichever mood strikes you.

I love having options!!!

Ok, so I must confess went off advice again. Please don't think that I don't value everyone's input, I totally do!!! But I am trying to think through whether it makes sense for my sitch, knowing my H. And actually, I don't think he has ever minded that I'm the planner. As a matter of fact, I think especially when we first started dating he rather liked that I was into so many things and would organize various activities for us. I've gotten him into a lot of things. When I really think about it, I think what he has minded is when I plan then I used to byotch about being the planner. The 180 is for ME to just make a plan and if he goes along be happy about it instead of complaining. Seriously, I think about it and it was so dumb of me to complain, I like planning, I like to do what I want to do. If he goes along with the program, all the better. As long as he takes the lead once in a while, I'm good. And whenever I have said to him, you know I just don't feel like deciding could you, he would. Gah, I used to byotch about such DUMB things. But I'm smarter now.

Anyways, so I ended up offering up a couple of ideas for something to do this week. And what we're going to do I think is quite brilliant on my part, if I do say so myself. I think we are going hang out and play chess! Now why is this so brilliant you might ask? WTH is so great about playing chess together?? Well, H and I actually met and initially began falling for each other while playing cards. Yes, cards! We were both part of a lunch time card playing group at work. So playing a game like chess together is actually quite romantic for us. Not to mention it seems sorta fitting at the moment ;-)

So, that's the latest. Need to do some clothes shopping. I'll certainly report back after our next big date and change course ASAP if my approach does not work! Thanks again to everyone for your support and feedback.

Feeling a bit down this morning. Woke up with a knot in my stomach. Not entirely sure why. Maybe has something to do with today being the 9 year anniversary that H asked me to marry him. I doubt he remembers or even cares. I’m not sure that he ever remembered.

The kids have been with H the past 4 nights, they will be home with me tonight and then back with him again for a night and then with me through the July 4th weekend. Although I am adjusting much better to the separation I keep thinking about them and what we are putting them through. It seems so horribly selfish and I really don’t think H ‘gets’ it. They tend to share their discontent with me, H seems to think they are basically fine. But he tends to blow problems off so I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s ignoring little signs and comments from them. Sort of brings up some bad feelings for me about how he deals with things in general. I seem to have lots of worries and doubts today about reconciling.

Its interesting how I keep going up and down on this, maybe it’s typical, maybe its just me, maybe it means something more that I should really pay attention to. I’m going to keep posting and documenting to see if I can find any patterns.

Would really like to call H and say "Do you even know what today is? I bet you don't and it just goes to show how checked out of the relationship you have been for so long. You want to blame ME for all our problems that led you to the A but you're really the one who doesn't care and hasn't for a long time. Have you thought about that?!"

Why I want to do this: I want to shake him up, I want him to take accountability, I want him to stop blaming ME for everything, I want to know EXACTLY when he stopped loving me and to recognize this is not about ME it’s about HIM. I want the magic bullet that will turn this around.

Why I won’t do this: Trying to shake him up might make him feel guilty (at best) but also runs the risk of antagonizing him. And do I really want his guilt? While that might make me feel better briefly, in the long run it’s not really want I want. What I really want is my H to love me and want to come home and be with me. I want him to want to make an effort to remember special days between us, I want him to want to do nice things for me. Jumping on him for not remembering what today is most likely won’t accomplish what I really want. And really, he has not blamed me entirely, he does take accountability for shutting down and not talking. And he has explicitly said that the A was entirely his choice, not my fault. And he’s told me underneath he does love me. Although it’s obviously quite buried now.

So I guess I will sit tight and STFU. It’s a tough day for me for sure.

More journaling…

Boy, my mood was really starting to go downhill but I think I am quickly recognizing and pulling myself out of it. I went out for a little walk and came *this* close to calling H and crying to him. Because really, I’m notsomuch mad but sad that it’s 9 years ago today that he asked me to marry him and now we are currently separated. Then I realized that calling him would lead to nothing but trouble, my motivation in that moment was to try to manipulate him with my emotions, to try to get a reaction out of him. I think I’m realizing that unfortunately trying to manipulate him with my emotions was something I’ve done in the past, as you can imagine not a very healthy dynamic and one that the new MDU will not engage in!

Having said that, I really do want a H that I can share my deepest feelings with. That’s something that I believe fell apart for both of us in the M. I think part of why it fell apart is that previously I would sometimes have expectations attached to our interactions. Like if I shared something personal I would expect that he should react in a certain way and if he didn’t, I would get more upset or even angry. After enough times of this I eventually stopped sharing. I think I need to let go of these sort of expectations, for both our sakes.

Part of me still does want to call H and share that I am sad today. I want to do it as a test --- not for him --- but for ME, to see if I can just share my emotions and not attach any expectations to how I think he should react to them. Just share and let it be. I wonder if I can do it and how I would feel? For his part, can H just be there for me when I’m sad? I’ve always thought of him as not good about dealing with strong emotions from me but maybe all along it’s been about me sabotaging things with my expectations. I’m not sure this is the right time but at some point I think I need to experiment and see.

Note to self: something that quickly helped my mood, simply going for a walk. Now I am going to make myself complete a few tasks that I’ve been procrastinating on forever, like clean my desk and email! I know that will make me feel a bit better as well. Figuring out these little tricks to get my moods more level is so key!

Even more journaling (yes, I’m on a roll here!)

Ah ha, ah ha, ah ha! So I think it’s finally, FINALLY (only took a mere 42 years) clicking for me that truly no one is accountable for my emotions and ultimately my happiness but ME. I have often heard, and probably even said myself, no one can MAKE you feel some way. And honestly, I’ve never really fully brought into that. Far too many times I have felt and let other people or circumstances control my emotions because I thought that was the only way, that I had little power over how I feel.

It’s quite empowering to realize that I actually have a lot of control over how I feel. I don’t have 100% control, I mean if H does something crappy like have an A I am going to be mad and sad and heartbroken and all these things I’ve been feeling. But it’s my choice if I let these feelings consume and rule me. I can take actions and change my thoughts and turn things around at any given moment. Right now I can choose to ruminate and be sad today or I can take actions to turn this around.

When I think about the people whom I admire most it’s those who have found that sort of inner peace, that have figured out that they can and will truly be happy no matter what comes their way. That ultimately they control how they think and feel and therefore their happiness. I think if I can learn this one lesson, really absorb and live it, it will make a world of difference in my life.

Uh..slow on the uptake, MDU??! Never say never, right?

Now what can you DO about your stinkin' thinkin'?

Another thing about being a planner is that it is a form of control in a way that you want to control the environment and people to ensure a "certain" outcome. Heh?

Was actually about to write re: the driving/planning thing:

I think this is an area that, while it can be an asset in your work and home life, can really stand in the way of you having a healthy relationship and PMA.

I just can't stop thinking that if my H had an A (which he did), and *I* took initiative to plan things with him, I would, deep down, feel quite resentful. Maybe you and I are completely different in that regard. But I read a lot of "'splainin'" on your part when you "don't take advice." It's almost like you're trying to convince yourself it's the right thing to do?? You SURE that YOU are feeling good about being the one who takes the horns here instead of your H?

You pay attention to patterns, and you journal to keep yourself accountable and to be able to see those patterns. (Smart!) Look back through your journaling/posts. Is there a pattern when your PMA takes an upswing? Could it be when your H initiates things? Is it when you stay focused on YOU instead of your relationship?

To be honest, the whole driving/planning/controlling thing keeps popping up here. And I think it would be smart to really dive into that ... and what impact it had on the breakdown of your M. (Not what impact you THINK it had/has on your H but what real-live data shows it's having on your reconciliation attempts with H.)

Just my meandering thoughts ...

In other words, where's the "balance of power" in your relationship with your H? Maybe he wants a little bit back. Is that possible? But perhaps you keep thinking he likes your "planning" (controlling) nature?