Ggrass thanks for the advice. I will definitely look up Wonka's cheat sheet because that's what I need most help with, detaching. It is crazy how this seems to be so scripted. They must give out a manual somewhere. And they're so persistent about it that it definitely makes you stop and say, really was it that bad? In my moments of weakness (like when I wrote my initial post) you start to believe it, but when you have a clearer day you realize that things may not have been perfect but they definitely weren't bad and you were happy. I just wish they would realize glimpses of that too.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
GoatGal so much of what you said rings true for me and I really have to live by your advice. I do subconsciously hang on to every little crumb of hope he feeds me. I respond to him based on his mood or actions on a given day and I have to stop doing that. I have to stop following his lead. As strong as I am and don't confront him or show anger or hate, I need to show more distance and ambivalence. I need to stop being so passive (which is the polar opposite of my personality) sending the message as if what he's doing is okay. I need to set boundaries and stick to them. That's all the things I've been struggling with. Because I've always been the leader in our family and that is one of the things he brought up to me (that I'm too independant for him) I'm trying now to sit back and let him be him. But after reading your advice it's made me realize that by doing that I basically acting as if it's okay that he's having an A. After all, he knows I know yet I'm not doing anything about it.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
Matt165 until I really started learing about MLC I too thought it was only something middle aged me go through, but after learning more, I couldn't beleive how many women act on their impulses and run. Thank you for your support and I'm sorry you're going through this as well. I do have to remind myself that I didn't cause this although it's hard. I sit here thinking if I was softer, more intimate, less demanding, would that have made a difference? It's just hard when you have two small children and very little help from your spouse. But that's the thing, as you said, no one can rationalize or talk any sense into him. He stopped talking to any of his family about our R and only confides in the OW, who I'm sure dishes out the best advice.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
BklynMom I'm curious, are you still standing? Do you communicate with your exH now? How did your kids take the D? I have a feeling I'll be in your shoes in a year or 2 and I wonder how you're holding up.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
It's a fine line to walk about how to handle them in an active affair.
I'll leave it to the vets to give you better guidance on that. All I can say is that finding out what you can live with, and what you can't, is an important first step.
He may be "all about him" but you need to be "all about Ssarah."
--GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Sarah, Funny, I think in my times of weakness if only I had been STRONGER, more forceful, things might have been different. (She told me that I should have "forced" her to do things with me and the kids when she refused. Of course at the same time she says I "treated her like a child", so go figure).
There is always someone else involved that gives the MLCer "permission" to act the way they are. In my case it's my FIL. He is the only person that has backed what she is doing and is now the only person she talks to about it. In most cases (like your H's) it's OW/M, usually someone they never would have given a second thought about or even noticed before the MLC. Face it, if the OP had any values they wouldn't be telling them that what they are doing is right or get involved with someone who is in such turmoil in their life.
When my W started her MLC she stopped being a mother or wife. I had to take over taking care of the kids, going to school meetings, making sure they got picked up and feed, etc. I got so involved in that I couldn't really think of my M or what I should be doing. Of course I never thought I would ever hear her say what she did on B-day. I would have been less surprised if she had told me she was an alien!
Stay strong. Keep remembering you didn't break him and you can't fix him. Use this time has a way to become a better person, learn what YOU want for YOU.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Matt165, that's exactly it. He only confides in the OW now since no one else agrees with what he's doing. To her, she has nothing to lose and everything to gain by pushing him into a D. My husband is established and she comes from nothing with alot of debt, liens and judgments. And that's the thing, he never would have noticed her in a room before his MLC. I just find it ironic that these worthless human beings come along at just the perfect time. She couldn't have timed it better if she wanted to. My son was 6 months and my daughter 2 when they met. I was all consumed with the kids not noticing what was happening. My H too stopped being a H and father when he started his "journey". Despite him still being home I've become a single parent since.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
Cadet, thank you for your post. I saw your recommendations on other's threads and have tried to read alot of those posts already. I'm only at this for 2 months, so I know the road ahead is long and tough. Despite all of the advise I just don't know how everyone sticks to it. I will try my hardest to stay on track, detach, detach, detach.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
