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I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning. I am exhausted. I can't remember the last time I had a "good night's sleep", and the last time I slept the whole night through was weeks ago.

My old toy Poodle, Ambrose, was bothered by something and had me up and down. It think it might be a tooth? He just had a dentistry a few months ago, so who knows?
So it's off to the vet with him today, and there goes my day. It's a production...

Between my sciatica/back pain, the hip injury, a few old dogs moving restlessly during the night, a couple of midnight potty breaks for those same senior pups, restless sleep of my own due to menopause/night sweats, sleeping fitfully due to the stress of my situation, the weird dreams--add in the "late-to-bed and up-at-the-crack-of-dawn farm chores"---I'm feeling at the end of my rope this morning.

As fas as H is concerned, I am toughing it out without complaint. But it's been five months of doing this solo.
Yet, I don't want him back here unless he is willing to make some major changes.

Prior to him filing, he was very supportive about being here, since we both agreed this "is not a job for one person to do alone." He would probably still be here, in fact, if I could have held my tongue, I'm sure he would be, but I couldn't stand to look at him after he served me. I don't think that's unreasonable...

Somehow, now that he's not getting his needs met, that "It's not a solo job" seems to no longer apply.
Now every few days he's not here, I have to do more and more, and I am wearing out.

It's the lack of sleep more than anything. And the pain. The nerve pain is unbearable. Fortunately, it's not something I struggle with all the time or I'd shoot myself. (Not really, don't panic! ) But it flares up from time to time with HEAVY LIFTING, CARRYING, all the chores I have to do when he's not here.

So I was teary this morning, just from being tired, from being mad at him for doing this to us, and no place to vent it.
----------------------------------------------------

On Monday one of our little old Chihuahuas, Eleanor, had a massive seizure. She clearly had cerebral event of some kind and remained disoriented and frantic.
I had to put her to sleep at the vet--alone---again---she was number five since all this started with H. Three of which I had to do alone.
And with each one I feel less and less emotion, yet there is a horrible guilt about not having to do the extra work for that additional dog.
That is a horrible way to feel, but it's the truth.
I am overwhelmed.

Anyhow, when I was taking her for euthanasia, H was very kind and supportive with the calls, etc.
Eleanor was really "his" girl, but he's hardly given her a passing glance these last few weeks.
Even though I mentioned several times that she was declining.
Even though he himself said she was not doing so well when he stayed last Friday night.
Yet--he bugged out of here Saturday, never saw her again, and didn't see her Sunday.

Knowing the man I used to know, assuming he's still in there, I think he felt terrible about this. He didn't stay to help because he was mad at ME for my GAL/PMA/180, I have no doubt.
Yet Eleanor was the one who paid, and he paid too, because he never got to say goodbye to her properly.

So, FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE ILYBINILWY SPEECH IN MAY 2013, (at which time he was tearful, saying he was "so unhappy" and that I "would never change", among other things), he broke down when he came that night and saw Eleanor in her little box, awaiting burial.

I have not seen him cry like that in over a year.
I hope this is some kind of turning point, that he is finally able to feel something besides anger. Even if it IS feeling sorry for himself, his pain, and his guilt.
At least that's something.

NOTE:
On Memorial Day, we buried three of our kids and he didn't shed a tear.
THIS WAS VERY WEIRD for him, and disturbing to me. Of course, when I mentioned this lack of emotion, as a possible sign of depression, he got furious with me.
He even complained to a co-worker that I was "trying to tell him how to feel". And I was not.
I was just expressing my concern that his affect was so flat, that it seemed not to match the situation, that I was worried for him.
Somehow that got twisted into "She's trying to make me into someone I'm not."

Well, if shedding a tear for the dogs you've had for years is "not who he is", then I don't want to know him anymore.

So I will follow up with seeing if I can get some extra help around here. It's hard because the chores are so split up so it's not like I can bring someone up here for an hour AM and PM...

What I really need is to have someone here from 8 PM until 8 AM so I can get some SLEEP!

(Oh, wait. That used to be H's job!!!!)


OK. PITY PARTY OVER.
TIME FOR FRENCH ROAST.
I'm even going to put some raw honey in it.


Y'All have a great day!


----GGG

I'm so sorry that you're in a funk today. Losing our furry ones is really sucky.

Head up, Goat Girl. You are brave and strong and inspirational.

And enjoy that French Roast!

And... There go my buttons again!

EVERY WEEKEND IT'S THE SAME THING FROM HIM!

"Are you going out?"
"Do you have plans?"
"What time are you leaving?"
"How late will you be out?"

Arrrgggggghhhhh!!!

Why doesn't he just say:
"I'd like to stay over...???"

I'll tell you why.
Because that would make him look like he needs/wants something from me.

(As opposed to "I want a Di-VOOOOORRECCCE!!!!" which is something he yells at me when he's mad at me.)

Whether he plans a porn-fest (no evidence of this recently), or just really does want to hang out with the dogs, (getting hammered!) on the couch while flipping TV stations until he passes out with no interference from me or worries that I'll get "too close" (as in: Existing)...
Well who knows, really.

But every week it ticks me off.

And every week I sweetly bite my tongue.

This time when we discussed scheduling I threw him a bone; asked if he might like to take a ride in our old MG, since she's touchy and I don't want to take her out alone.

His answer: "She's not going anywhere, unfortunately."
(Not a clue there of his interest, at least that I can see.)

Car's not running and he ignores it, has for years now. It was "his baby".
Guess that's gone by the wayside like everything else.


--GG

((GG))

I'm having similar thoughts/emotions over here. Sorry we're here!


So sorry about your pup. I'm impressed with your strength by doing it alone.

Hang in there.

OK. Now I'm pissed.

H has had this thing about running the dehumidifier in the basement 24/7 even with our new AC system.

He knows that emptying the bucket is difficult for me.
He was supposed to plumb it into the main line WEEKS ago... guess he's got better things to do.

So today I get back from the vet with yet another sick dog to find that the thing had overflowed all over the floor.

I spent about an hour trying to mop it up, finally ran out of towels.

H gets here, seems rushed---an early day off from work, so who knows why?
Already with a beer in hand, I start to tell him about the overflow and he says:

"What did you do, drop the bucket all over the floor?"

Me: "No, when I got home with Ambrose I saw it had overflowed all over, I then emptied the bucket and unplugged it."

(There is still a LOT of water in the basement.)

Him: "Well, aren't "you" going to DO anything about all the WATER!!!???"


Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.......


ME: SWEETLY!
"I already went through every available towel to mop it up, I am not able to move the furniture
(AND ALL YOUR CRAP YOU'VE GOT ALL OVER THE PLACE! Didn't say this. )..
"I did the best I could... this just happened..."

HIM: Sighing heavily.... looking annoyed.
(Why? Because he has to spend an extra 30 minutes taking care of our home? Guess so!)

ME: (Couldn't hold it) "I understand you want to be here as briefly as possible, but it's not my job to deal with this right now. While you're here I appreciate you taking care of it."
(SINCE YOU'RE THE ONE WHO INSISTS ON RUNNING THE DAMN THING EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T EVEN EMPTY IT EASILY!!!! Didn't say this part. )


He is definitely pissy.. wonder what's really going on.
Now he's down there with the Shop-Vac, looking angry.

I am NOT going to read anything into this.


---GG

Hi there -

Sorry if it's a stupid question, but what would happen if you stopped running it? Simply tell him you're not in a condition to empty it or pick up the mess, and let him come to the conclusion that he should plug it in?

Yeah Matt, I hear you.

I've done that.


Looked at it when it was full and said:
"Screw it. Let him do it when he shows up! WhatAreWe, gonna DIE? Nope!"


But I tried to salvage this interaction, trying to make a little lemonade.

Me: "Is there something I should be doing?" (Notice I didn't say: "To help".)

HIM: "No, I'm just running the shop-vac....you might want to get your books off the floor."

(My poetry book collection, including some friends' editions--all saturated. It was worse than I thought. Great.)

Him: "Then I was going to run a few fans."

Me: "OK, let me see what fans I can dig up". (This is a 180 for me. Normally I'd be suggesting we do this or that.)

Me: Bringing the fans..."Wow, it's worse than I thought".

Him: "Yeah." (Looking pissed)

Me: (Very gently) "....you... OK?...."

HIM: "Yeah. I'm just tired. And stressed out, walking into this."

Me: "Yeah, it's really a mess isn't it?"

Then a little chit chat about the raise he's supposed to get, validating that he deserves it, etc. etc. .... diffused it pretty well.


------------

Honestly, he looks like hell.

He came in with a six pack of IPA beer, so--super strong.
I asked if I could have one as I went upstairs... he looked annoyed, then said "Sure. I guess so..." (Guess he wanted all of them for himself?)

Now he is finally plumbing the damn thing into the main drain as he was supposed to in the first place.

Duh. Took ten minutes that he didn't have to spare all those many weeks while me with my bad back was expected to dump the bucket five times a day.

Seriously? Who IS THIS MAN????

And now the house smells like sewer gas, maybe the drain backed up?
He says he doesn't know....


I guess if we all get gassed in our sleep it will solve ALL his problems.

Yikes.

I am so disgusted.
The only upside is that instead of venting at him, I'm venting here.

----GG

GG...it sounds like H is dealing with this pretty bad...I cant remember from your sitch but has he always drank a lot?

Yes, oad, on and off he has been drinking too much. I don't think it's been a constant, or that he couldn't stop. Only that he is using that now to dull his emotions.

He used to be a runner--it helped him a lot. Now he can't run with his knee being so bad.
So--he's got to "do something" not to jump out of his own skin.

Just an update:
I asked if I should be concerned about the sewer gas killing us all in our sleep tonight, since we BOTH smelled gas.

HE says: .........WAIT FOR IT.......

"Um. I dunno." And shrugs with a sheepish expression.
"Why don't you GOOGLE it?"

Are you friggin kidding me????

Something is clearly wrong with this man. No doubt about it.
Even a neighbor would get more consideration.

-------------

We talked about "the weekend" about which he couldn't give me "his" schedule, until I told him how "alone" he'd get to be in the house. (Sheesh.)

I just was really sweet and cool. STFU. STFU..STFU...


And then I essentially asked: "So, what time do you go to SLEEP?"
Getting at what time would work for him for me to come back, so I wouldn't interrupt--his---whatever.

HIM: (Snippy.) "I don't KNOW, GOAT GAL. It DEPENDS...."

WTF?

I'm about ready to tell him to stick his overnights in his ear. I sure as hell don't need this crap.

I'd rather just come home to a bunch of barking dogs and get up at the crack of dawn than deal with his "covering" for me.

Really.
Give me a break.

--GG

GoatGal, wow. Your level of frustration is the highest I've seen it.

What happened to dimming your interactions? I would have Googled it without relying on H. And that was before BD.

Can't you get a rotation of strapping Amish boys to help with overnights? I thought that was in the plan.

I'm really sorry you're suffering so much right now. Something's got to give!