Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Wife in MLC and getting ready to leave #6

MLC or what??

Just to post 2 DB examples of this situation, in which a spouse hammers the MLC label to death...

I think this is a good discussion b/c it's not all semantics. I do apologize if we are hijacking too much on this topic, but see what you think.

Here goes, the 2 examples of past DBers arguing about their WAS/MLC spouses...

MLC versus .......Anything else...


There was an LBH here, who did not call himself physically abusive but said he "only shoved her a few times", later admitted he did "tend to intimidate" his wife "only so that [he] can make a point"..AND he "liked to argue and debate a point and w did not enjoy conflict like [he] did"....

That LBH called his wife's "sudden decision" to leave, a " Classic MLC" .
He posted a lot about how "crazy" she'd act, how 'insecure" she could be, and how "nutty & rebellious" etc....but when we probed into his behaviors and hers, most of us saw it differently.

We saw it as a pattern of him bullying, and her finally snapping.

The longer he played the MLC card, the longer it would take for him to get into an anger management course, to get some real therapy b/c HE needed help. (So did she, but in a different way).

He blasted her for leaving the family home, saying it was "Insane" to do after all the remodeling and him[i] "giving her everything".[/i]...

but to us reading HIS posts, nothing seemed insane about her leaving.

IMO, that was a case of a man desperate to call attention away from his own behavior, away from his anger and mistakes, and place it all on her for having some "crazy MLC".

For me that was a gross misuse of the term MLC, but a "classic example" of why someone would intentionally keep using it.

Another example of the counter productive harping on MLC, was from a wife who was basically in a SSM (by her choice ).

She called her h's "abandoning the marriage" a mid life crisis. She said it "came out of nowhere" and because they had vacationed together and had a wonderful time with their family, she asked: "how could he say he was lonely? How could he claim to love [me] and then leave?"

But she admitted sex was "way more important" to her h, and "just not that important to" her...So, they had sex annually for a few years. That's what SHE was comfortable with. Never mind his unmet needs, for years...

Upon our questions, she admitted he had "complained" about the lack of sex in their marriage. But she claimed he never told her how important it was, he'd make overtures and she'd reject him if SHE was not in the mood.

(According to her, she was "in the mood" once or twice a year d.)

Seems to me, all those nights of rejection wore on her h and she never saw that and it seemed she did not want to see it.

Then he told her he wanted to "find passion" in his remaining years, to which she said "Not at our age"... So he left her to go find it.,

Is that an MLC -- or just a very lonely man w/an empty love tank? Was the LBW really wanting to explore her role in the divorce, or did she just want to label her h as a "selfish MLCer"?

I know she felt shame. Sometimes shame is so powerful that it keeps us from looking at ourselves with a clear eye...b/c we fear that deep down we might be the ugly monsters our spouse (or parent) said we were.

And then the tragedy in these situations is compounded. That tragedy is to have all this pain and turmoil, and NOT grow from it. The "successful" DBers have not all reconciled. But we have all grown and become better people (better parents too), because of this inward journey WE make, regardless of our spouses.

Matt, when you have done the deep digging needed to change YOU,
when you have started the inward journey of personal growth & reflection,

then you can turn the rest over to God, and from this day forward, go in peace and hold your head high.

You will have done and become, your best. The rest is in God's hands.

Hi 25,
Definite yes. Now that she has left, it is actually easier to detach and start to find a new "normal" for my D14 and I. My older D19 is coming home tomorrow and that's a big plus. I find that right now my D14 is a bit distant and I do think angry about how things are. When her sister is around she is much more outgoing and wanting to interact.

Decided to have a BBQ on Friday for the 4th. My older D is bringing her boyfriend. I actually thought about inviting my W but not sure about that. She will probably work or use the day to get her house together. The only reason would be because the kids are there with me and in the last 2 weeks she has only seen my D14 once and hasn't seen our oldest since a week before she left, 3 weeks ago, and D's birthday fell over that time so it's going to be Birthday/4th celebration. Probably too soon as she would see it as pursuing when that isn't what it is. First holiday post leaving and still not sure how those will work going down the road. I would hate for my D's to think they have to choose her or me on special days.

Going out tonight to Meetup with a really good group. Just an open mike night at local watering hole but will be good to get out. I will keep moving forward to find that better life for my girls and I.

Hi 25,
I see from those cases what you mean. Believe me when I say after b-day I did MUCH soul searching. I saw where I had come up short but in every case, it just didn't rise to the level that would cause my W to just throw up her hands and go. I watched her change before my eyes. There was never any physical abuse nor emotional from me. I went out of my way to try and support the things she wanted or at least those she spoke about.

Soon after B-day when we had a talk she said to me that she was just so unhappy. She tried many things to change this. She tried being a mother, throwing herself into her work, losing weight/ getting in shape and nothing seemed to change the emptiness she felt inside. The biggest change she could think of was ending her marriage so she could regain "total control" of her life. She felt like my being there for her 'allowed' her to become depressed and if she was 'in charge" of everything in her life she would be too busy to be depressed. That before she was married, she was never depressed so maybe that was the answer. Was this really how she felt? I can't say and of course that changed over time as has every "reason" she has ever had for wanting to end the M.

At the same time she so wanted to be able to reconnect with her father who was ill. Her also kept telling her that she was wasting her life and that she needed to end her marriage to be able to "grow" as a person. How disappointed he was in her wasting her life as a wife and mother when he wanted to take her away and make up for all the bad he did over the last 40 years. Her M and family was holding her back from real happiness. Take a depressed person who is so "unhappy" add in the one person she has always wanted to respect her telling her this was the way and throw in MLC and her thinking time for her was running out to make a change and this is what you get.

In the years since she was depressed there were times when she would say she felt "uncomfortable in her own skin", couldn't sleep more than a few hours a night from anxiety and hating her home (I think because this was the place where she was stuck while depressed but can't really be sure). She was ripe for MLC and I don't think I could have stopped it if I was the perfect H.

Have to go but you do make a good point.

Thanks 25. Since there is no official medical diagnosis for MLC, I guess we’ll never know for sure if our spouse is/has gone through a MLC… who’s to say, right? But sometimes, when you look at all the facts, compare them to other situations, (like the one’s here) a crisis seems pretty clear.

I agree that rushing to apply the MLC label is unhelpful. But MLC does happen, and knowing what one is dealing with can be helpful.

This is why Michele has a special chapter about it for us!



Fair enough. But look also at all the fine folks right here on this board who HAVE made wonderful changes in themselves. The MLC label is not a get out of jail free card to most of us. Just a way to better understand what our spouses are going through. I find understanding what my W is dealing with to cause me to have more compassion for her. And it gives me greater strength to stand (not still!) for my marriage instead of giving up too easily.

Sometimes, it really is more about our spouses issues than it is about our failures. You do know that MLC can hit even marriages with the most wonderful, loving spouses, no ?

This is not to say Personal Growth is not important... there is always room for improvement. Just that we only need to own our stuff. If our spouse is truly in crisis, most of that stuff is theirs.



I've seen this a few times too, but I don’t know why anyone would want to do it. Like Michele says, MLC takes much longer to work through than non MLC issues.

Hi everyone,
Had a good day today. D19 and her boyfriend were here for BBQ. She had thought she was needing to leave early because her mom wanted her to go to her place but turns out that my W went to see her father again this weekend so canceled. His scan must have been good because he is going to get more chemo. Since I am totally dark with her since she left, I don't know. My D19 said when she told her mom that I was having a BBQ for the 4th, her mom seemed upset by it. Said she got quiet and acted unhappy about it. Oh, well, that's her problem. My W also is planning with my D14 on picking her up Sunday night or Monday afternoon to stay with her. She really needs to stop going through my D and checking with me before making plans like that!

Also trying to put together plans to hang out with some friends (parents of my D14's friend) next weekend. Really need to make a schule of when I have my D and when W is going to have her. This whenever she feels like it (only one night so far) isn't going to cut it.

My D19 and boyfriend got a dog from the shelter and brought him over to play with our 2. He' a really cute dog and only 2 months old. Wore my 2 out playing! I'm a bit worried that she is going to try and make her mom leaving an excuse for living at her boyfriends apartment. They just spent almost 3 weeks together on a trip and she's used to being with him. Typical teenager who wants her freedom. I'm making it known to her that isn't a good idea.

So far don't have any GAL plans for the rest of the weekend. I'm going to play it by ear. So far so good living on my own. Need to find a new "normal" for the kids and me but it's early in the process, I'm sure we'll get there.

Bad news everyone!
Just got notice that the IRS is holding my big refund that I was planning on using to pay off D19's last year school! Now it will be harder to get my D14 into that school as I will still owe a bunch from last year! Seems that I'm in for an audit and until I send them the info from 2008 to now that they want, I won't be getting my refund from last year! Drats! Now I will need to tell my W about this and if past experience is any guide, she will go into straight up "Freak out" mold and blame ME for not doing the taxes "right"!

Seems like every time I take a step forward moneywise, something new comes up! Oh, well. I'm actually not as upset as I would have been in the past. I will just get as much together as I can and see what happens. It's the time factor and the fact that I need that refund money if I have any hope of getting my D14 into that school.

W came yesterday and took more furniture. I swear she just takes what she wants and just doesn't want to hear anything other than "go right ahead" from me! As usual, all she wanted to talk about was her and what she is doing. All about her buying stuff at Ikea and her dad and her new place, etc. She hasn't even texted with our oldest D lately as she knew nothing about what she has been doing. I swear she just has forgotten all about her. She's over 18 and out of HS now so W seems to think she has no responsibility to her at all! It seems like she is trying to find out just how self centered she can actually get.

Really need to get back to work and start making more money! This time of year is a bad time and in the past I usually took time off around the 4th. Time to get back in the groove and start bringing home as much money as I can!

Matt,

I'm sorry to hear about your IRS hold. I am also dealing with a taxes issue and just had to put all the financials together with data to back them up- it is a pain! Hopefully you can get it worked out so it doesn't impact your finances so much.

The scant contact with the older teens seems to be common with MLC. One of the books I read said men in MLC envy their teenage sons and the freedom and " whole life ahead of them" feeling. I am sure it is similar with women MLCers and their daughters.
Hopefully your consistency with your kids will offset some of the distance with their mom.
Sending prayers your way!

I know financial concerns just compound an already stressful time. I hope the IRS hold gets cleared quickly. I know nothing about private school but are there any options to offset cost? Sliding scale fees, scholarship ship, throwing yourself at the mercy of the finance officer.

It is amazing how once responsible people become so selfish. My h cooked himself an extravagant dinner steak, scallops etc and then passed out and let the whole thing go to waste but he refuses to spend money to take his MLC dog to the vet. Twisted priorities.

You can't make your wife do the right thing by her daughters. All you can do is be their solid rock.

Thanks daring and Julie,
W came by again last night to pick up more furniture. She also wanted to "talk" which to her means here comes something I really won't like. Turns out that she is "concerned" because since we bought thousands of dollars worth of antiques from her grandmothers estate sale, she didn't inherit it, I expect to keep a (very) few pieces for myself. Well, she said that is "wrong" because I may remarry and it wouldn't be right for "her" families things to go to someone else! Well, two things. I was a part of her family especially that side, for the last 20 years. I'm still close to them all (especially her GM) and my kids are still part of that family and they will get anything I keep one day. She has taken ALL the best furniture (including a chair she bought a month after B-day. At the time I thought it was a good sign that she was still thinking about a future together but now I see she figured she would just keep it when she left!) and the only really nice stuff we have was bought at that sale! At the time I was the only one working and had been for the 12 years before, so I made the money that paid for it all.

I just looked at her, stopped myself from saying what was going through my mind (it wouldn't have been pretty) and just said "Well, I'll think about that and for now we'll just play it by ear". She added "I wouldn't take any of YOUR family things". Yeah, well, we didn't spend $4,000 on MY family things, did we? The worst part of this is that I would have just let her take most of it anyway but now I'm really not in the mood. She takes the steam mop, vacuum, sugar and flour, all the place settings (wedding gift from her GM and she says "My GM wanted ME to have them" even though they were for BOTH of us, 12 settings!), the new chair and already took the most expensive pieces from the estate sale.

Her GM and GF bought most of the stuff when he was stationed in England after WW2. It's not like this stuff was handed down from many generations of her family. If we hadn't bought them the general public would have. I really don't think it's right for her to take it ALL! I really don't get her. So, what if I remarry? She's really gotten me angry this time. Here I'm trying to take care of this IRS stuff and this isn't something I really want to waste time on!

How in God's name do these MLCers get so very selfish when they never were like that before? How does my W who used to be so loving and sweet become this self obsessed? What exactly is it she is so worried about really? She knows that anything like that stuff I would give to my D's in the end. By then she may be long dead as she's so sure she is suffering from so many different aliments! Is she that badly wanting me so far separated she can't stand to think of me having anything that used to belong to "her" family?

I have a feeling that this will be a big problem and soon. This is going to cause some bad feelings going into the final D decree for sure. Of course, my W has thought from the start that this whole process was going to be so easy, no one will be hurt, everyone will be happy that she's now living the life she wants. Her D's will be glad that their mom is going to be happier and she will be a "better" mother because she will be so very happy. So far, none of that is true. D14 is now not going to be going to private school for sure because of the IRS problems (if my W hadn't run off, she would easily be able to go), D14 has also only spent 2 nights so far at her mom's new house. W has cancelled plans with both D's to go see her daddy and both are upset about that. And it's only been 3 weeks!

My life may not have been that great since my W started on her MLC journey 3 years ago but man, things are just so much more stressful. Her actions may allow me to be free of her stupid antics but it's just that the things that are most important to me, my D's and their futures, are the things that have become impossible! I worked so long to give them both a great start in life. Now, my oldest can't go to college full time and my D14 will be forced to go to public school just when she only has a few years left. The most important years, HS! All this so my W can run away and find her "joy". I really don't like the person she has become at all. She always said the thing she most loved about me was the fact that no matter what happened, she knew I would always love her, always care about her. I really think she thinks that is STILL the case. Well, it isn't. The more she keeps her antics up, the less I care what happens to her. when she comes over she acts so "nice" and friendly. It is starting to make me a little sick.

Matt165, I didn't realize your Ws MLC is already 3 years deep. I commend you for standing that long. I don't know how you do it. I'm only 3 months from BD and I can't imagine doing this for so long. I wonder the same, how my H who was always so honest, loving, humble, supportive and generally good, could be so deceitful, manipulative, selfish, and destructive. If there was only some magic mirror we could put in front of them to so they could see who they've become. As for the furniture, at a certain point I would draw a line somewhere. Bad feelings or not, if you feel strongly about it, you'll have to sit down with her and hash out who gets what. I know it's not easy, since I have a list of things I need to discuss with H and it hasn't yet happened.