Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis My H's MLC

BklynMom thanks for all of those suggestions. I definitely am trying to be proactive about make new and different plans for me and the kids. I find it tough with our current friends since we all did things together (Hs, Ws and kids). So now I try to make plans with those same firends when the Hs aren't available. Another challenge I have is that most people don't know what's going on with us so we're still pretending. With time all of this will get easier.

I have a general ? about MLCers. My H is constantly going through my things and I dont get what he's looking for. He checks who I talk to and how often. This part I'm assuming is to try and figure out who knows and how much they know (specifically about OW) since he's questioned me about it before. He doesn't want his reputation tarnished and wants this all on me when it comes out. But why go through my car, draws and every night my work bag (wallet, planner, etc.). I have nothing to hide so I don't know if I should leave it or start putting my bag in our bedroom while I sleep and locking my car. He is so nuts that this weekend while I went to feed my son his 5am bottle, he went through my nightstand and took some notes I had written out about advice from my DB coach. I specifically had it in my DR book and he went and took it. Nothing bad, just about detaching. I just don't know what to do about things like that anymore and I don't get why he's doing it (other than being off his rocker).

Sadly, I don't think it's uncommon. A couple of weeks ago my older 2 were disturbed to see h in the large garbage can outside looking for.....no one knows. These are the kind of behaviors too that make your kids question what's happening. He doesn't live there anymore but still rifles through drawers.

Paranoia can be very high amongst the MLCer. I think someone posted on your thread earlier that being ugly or exposing a MLCer only strengthens their resolve. While I do agree with that (because they want validation it's you and not them), I always suggest being kind to everyone. One challenge with one in MLC is that saying nothing can make them angry. Saying hello can make them angry. Being nice can upset them. You just focus on detaching and remain cordial and business like. It's also important to remember that your h should not be coddled because he's in crisis. Showing empathy- yes. However, he is not a child and is still responsible for his actions.

You are doing so well for early in your sitch!

Sarah,
He may be worried about what YOU are doing now that he is with OW. Remember, thieves have the biggest locks on their doors! As much as they say they don't care what you do they actually do. He is cheating and knows you know it. If he can, why not you? It would also be good in a way as he could say you are to blame if he could "prove" you were up to no good. Remember, he wants you to be the "bad guy" so badly!

My W found a post I made on another web site back in December before I found DB. Nothing on any post was "bad", just the truth and my W used this as a "reason" I was to blame. She said I said that she was up to this or that, which for the life of me I don't understand as I never posted anything like that! Who knows, she could have been reading someone else's post and just thought I was the one who wrote it! The worst part is she waited months to tell me about it! She just stewed and made it more and more than it was. They will take whatever they can and twist it around to make us the problem. No need to say anything to me about it or ask me or talk to me, that would have defeated the purpose as I may have been able to say it wasn't my post.

They know what they are doing is wrong at some level. They want you to be wrong as well. If he could find something that would be all the better.

Ss, H is checking because he is insecure. Was he the jealous type prior to this?

But it also is a sign that he still has some kind of feelings for you... why else would he care what you were up to?

Georgiabelle, you're absolutely right that anything and everything can make them angry and that's why it's so important for me to stop trying to read his mood and respond accordingly and instead just to detach. I wish I was where you are where I could respond to most things with his problem not mine. because right now all of that is blurred and mixed up. I get affected by his actions and inactions. I don't necessarily show him but it hurts inside.

And that's the one thing I'm really bad at.. I've always been a nurturer and continue to be. He asks me for something and I do it. It's something I need to stop.

Matt165, you're probably right. It definitely would make him feel good and make this whole thing alot easier on him if he could just pin something on me. To find something on me would be like Christmas for him. After all, since BD he has randomly brought up random past scenarios where he is now accusing me of sleeping with someone. Like during my sister-in-laws bachelorette party I must have slept with someone, or when I had to go away for work, I definitely had sex with my boss "to get back at him". He is just so twisted and dellusional.

As for your W I'm sure anything you would post she would twist against you. If you wrote she was the best W there was she would say you're being sarcastic and a jerk. They will twist everythign to fit their mold and go against you. At least that's what my H is doing.

When we first met and got together he definitely was. Then as we got older and he more secure in our R he didn't seem to be. Although now he brings up random points that make me wonder if he always was jealous but just suppressed it. Since BD he has brought up random things that I told him about that he is now twisting to say that I either slept with people (random guys at sister-in-laws bachelorete) or so and so (my boss for example) was pursuing me. And the funny thing is although I'm confident I have never been a flirt. I have always been considerate of H's feelings, cutting off friends he didn't particularly like, not having male friends, etc., because to me his security mattered most.

[/quote]But it also is a sign that he still has some kind of feelings for you... why else would he care what you were up to? [/quote] If he has feelings he has a funny way of showing them. Pursuing the D as hard as he is doesn't make me think he has mixed emotions.. it says he is full steam ahead with this.

So I'm having a major setback right now. I received another letter from his lawyer last night this time giving me a deadline of July 8th to respond. As I opened the letter he sat on the couch all smug. I looked at him and said to tell his lawyer that I'll get to them when I can and he just laughed and said whatever you want. I'm glad the dissolution of my family and marriage is a joke to this piece of $hit. He then proceeded to get snappy with the kids, shower, get all dressed up and go out to dinner with God only knows who... while I sat there getting the kids fed and together for bed and had my mom come watch them so I could run out for diapers. I'm glad someone is living the life while I tend to everything. Then this morning I call his lawyer to let him know he will not be getting an answer by the 8th and he was just so condescending "is that all you have to say?". I seriously can't. I've been strong but I'm slowly breaking down. The sadness is slowly fading and the anger and hate is coming out.