Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis My H's MLC

Sarah,

First, i want to say that I feel saddened by so many of these situations and when there are young children it breaks my heart. I don't say that to make to feel worse- just being honest. I will say both. I know you aren't supposed to ask them to leave. I did and everything became so much more normal once he did. My h would come home put a pillow over his head and refuse to speak to the kids. His behavior was increasingly bizarre-so much so that his mother was about to call the police. We all thought h was having a nervousness breakdown. What has helped me maintain my sanity? My kids, good friends, family, work, the great people on this board and a kick a$$ sense of humor help:-)


It does get easier as you go along. You will read threads where people have long meaningful conversations and others where contact is minimal. I am in the latter. During this process you will learn so much and ultimately realize that you cannot fix this. Focus on your well being and that of your children. This is imperative!!! I know yours are very young but children are very intuitive and may notice your h's strange behavior. You will find that yes your M had issues like everyone's , but you are not the cause of this.

I'm not sure if you have an IC or DB coach. I had both and now just see an IC every 3 weeks. I found coaching beneficial, however there was one key thing we disagreed on. My h said he did not want out M to work. My coach said he probably didn't see how it could work. No, my h really wanted to go live a different life. Let your h be. Be pleasant and keep interactions to necessities.

I don't know if this helps but thought I would share. You will be amazed at the support here. Hang in there!

Georgiabelle thanks for sharing your experiences.. it really does help to hear that you're not alone in this. I have a DB coach and need to get on IC. My H also repeatedly states that he does not want to W on our marriage. He told me in recent weeks that our R has run its course and he now has to wipe the slate clean and start from scratch. That is why he needs the D. He tells me that he knows we could make it work if we tried but that it would only last 6 months to a year because people don't change and I would go back to being my "nasty" self. And because he's 36 he doesn't have another 6 months or a year to give us he has to restart now.

I was reading more of your sitch and my H and yours have so many similarities. My H is also all consumed with his phone. He supposedly comes home from work to see the kids for a while but he is on his phone the entire time. My daughter will repeat herself 5 times and he still ignores her. Although she's only 3 she definitely gets it. She has said to my babysitter, my daddy is angry, my daddy is crazy, my daddy threw a chair... This all definitely affects her. She used to be all over him and now is extremely cautious when he's around. What troubles me the most and a major reason I'd like to start IC is because I see that my daughter blames herself in a way for his behavior. Because the times he's exploded were when she's cried, or not wanted to eat, or something relating to her, she thinks if she behaves then all will be well. If she so much as drops something near him she'll apologize profusely. I always make light of it and tell her it's okay it's no big deal but she still looks to him for affirmation of the same. He is also such a child around her. The other day he was sitting with her supposedly feeding her (on his phone the whole time) and she mistakenly poked him in the eye. Well he had a tantrum about it, grabbing his eye hypreventilating about how much it hurt and my daughter just kept repeating I'm sorry daddy I'm sorry daddy while he kept lecturing her and whining. I seriously wanted to punch him. I really feel like I have an infant, toddler and teenager at home.

So now I am putting all focus on detaching. It's definitely a conscious effort that I must make but I'm working on it. I am very talkative by nature so when he's around I converse with the kids instead of with him.

Has he admitted yet that their is another woman. That is who he is texting with constantly.

BklynMom he hasnt flat out declared his love for her but at least he stopped denying it (baby steps). A few weeks ago we had a convo that I was trying to avoid where he wanted to remind me that this is all my fault and I brought this on myself. I couldn't take it anymore so I asked him to stop blaming me and to own up to what he's doing. I told him that I know he is with her, among other things, pointed out that her makeup is on his clothes, her dark ratty hair in my laundry (I'm blonde) and that he just needs to stop pretending. He just met me with stares.

As for his phone he is either on instagram or espn or is listening to music when in our presence. Because he is so paranoid at covering up his A, I think he has a seperate phone to communicate with her. I saw a receipt for a new iphone so I'm assuming its for that purpose. He locked me out of our family plan and did something to our bill because now the payment alerts I receive are for 1/2 the amount they used to be monthly. Maybe he took himself off the family plan and made his own? I don't know and ATT won't tell me. That's another thing I have to deal with him about, transfering my number to a seperate account so he can stop stalking my account. ATT won't let me do it without his consent.

Okay your H and my exH totally fits my theory and the No More Mr. Nice Guy Thing

Basically your H really wants this OW sexually but he cant admit that to you or to himself because that would make him a scumbag. Your H thinks of himself as a Nice Guy. He is not like tony Soprano, getting laid where ever he can - he is a decent man.

But your H desperately wants this woman cause even when/if they are not intimate I bet she kis$es his a$$ in ways you couldnt imagine. She treats him like he is the smartest guy in the room. You on the other hand have 2 young kids and dont have time to kiss his a$$ all day, you probably need his help.

In order for your H to still be a Nice Guy and sleep with this woman, your H needs to make you out to be the BIGGEST B!itch in the world. So thats the route he is gonna take.

So so sad. My exH was an amazing dad and very close to our older D. He is now so distant from her, its very sad. But on the bright side I am a more amazing mom now then before. My kids are so so lucky and so am I.

Dont forget to always count your blessings

BklynMom you hit it dead on with my H. He has always been Mr. Nice Guy. Anything that involved even a remote confrontation (correcting a bill at a restaurant, haggling on a price of something for the house, etc.) he always had me do.

As for OW, based on my limited observations of what's going on, their R is absolutely sex driven. I think I mentioned earlier that even the music he listens to is so explicit and raunchy. And when they're not having sex she is absolutely kissing his a$$ all day every day. He has made comments to me that he needs to feel the love and appreciation and how I'm just too independant for him. Meanwhile she is a degenerate who is in major debt and supposedly has quite a few screws loose so he feels like a star next to her. OW needs him to save her and he's eating it up. I don't think he's actually doing much saving of her ($wise, but then again who knows), but it feels good to him to have someone need him and glorify him the way she does. At least that's my theory. So yes, while this charade goes on I am useless so I need to be disposed. After all I am the biatch who does not glorify her H but instead piles on the responsibilities of kids, home and finances (even though I have not asked anything of him since BD). That is how he views me. OW is the fun one and I'm the one with the baggage (that's not his of course, just mine).

You're right and I try to every day. I try to think of the positive and not focus on the negative. My kids are healthy and so much fun. We stay busy and are starting to build new memories together. I'm trying to focus on all of that.

My ex was exactly the same - couldnt ask for a discount. Would go so far out of his way not to risk offending anyone.

Exactly - healthy, happy kids and a roof over your head - how lucky are we!!

Keep taking care of yourself. Spend some money on yourself, maybe a babysitter just so you can grab coffee with a friend. Go to the gym, lots of gyms have free babysitting. I would go when my kids were young and work out for 20 mins then spend 40 showering/changing in peace and quiet in the locker room.

Sometime my girlfriend and I go IKEA with the free playroom and we go have lunch in the restaurant.

I also joined Alanon and I love it. I have made a ton of friends in my area.

Hi Sarah,
The phone thing is so normal. My W went nuts because she was just so sure I was stalking her through her phone! Of course I wasn't but that, again, is projection. My W was so much in a hurry to transfer her number from the family plan. It ended up costing so much more but she so wanted to be so certain I wasn't in her "business", it was worth it! If there is nothing to hide why the paranoia?

My W was always on her phone texting. Not to OM but to her new friends. She would ignore everyone around her including the kids. In my case the OM (for now) is her father. Now she is always texting him as well as her friends. We are the cause of their unhappiness, they are the ones who "get" them. That is why they are always on the phone. My W went from never even bothering to Facebook to constantly on that and instagram and half a dozen others. They can be whoever they want one these sites. They aren't questioned about what they say or expected to be a part of a family. Having to think about anything but themself is pressure to them.

In my case I had to release her number. All your H has to do is call 611 and tell them he is giving up financial responsibility for just your # and they will make a note on the account which allows you to get your own plan. If he has another plan and left you on a family plan, you are paying WAY too much per month. But to him it's worth it to cover up what he's up to, I guess. Hang in there Sarah. It really does get better.

Matt165 thanks for the advice. I didn't know he could just call 611 and make that request. Every time I bring up the subject of transfering my # off our account he changes the subject because he doesn't want to relinquish the little "control" over me that he has. The MLCers definitely do live in a fantasy world on their phones. I seriously think my H would die without it. That's his safety net, his escape, his everything. He will sit in the family room with the kids while the TV is on and have his "music" playing on his phone. That's just his way of tuning us out and escaping to la la land.