Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers First post, completely lost

the only way to do this is to completely change the way you handle this..I know it sounds hard but you have to give him what he wants. See right now he knows you are there, its not a challenge to him, it doesn't feel new. If you completely do a 180 on the way you have been handling it he will be wondering if you moved on as well...easier said than done, trust me I know. My wife is saying the same crap. She just wants to be friends...but everytime i do my own thing and not call or text her and keep things polite but short (indifference) she begins to pull in...im here for ya, we are all in it together.

thank you oad, thank you for responding, please excuse me for sounding desperate, but is there any hope at all? can this be turned around? we've been separated for acouple of months, but he has been unhappy for a long time, so he feels like this is it, he's finally letting go, I just don't feel that it is. and if we're already separated, how does the 180 work? do we just communicate about the kids? so many questions, and you've probably heard them all before lol

well ive been separated for about three...one thing I can tell you is that before finding this site and the books I had a golden opportunity to salvage my R and I blew it..made huge mistakes. Now she is convinced its over, but for some reason she still talks about me to everyone and gets angry, I take that to mean she is still somewhat connected. the minute I really started my DB journey I have noticed small improvements. That is the key, when you are desperate you over look them. You expect it to go from its over to I love you lets get back in a flick. When you communicate about the kids be cool and calm and confident in yourself. Let him see a women who is not afraid of living her life without him. Whatever you do no matter how hard..do not ask about your relationship and do not tell him you love him again!!!! he knows you do. Read sandis 37 rules and follow them, this is going to be a rollercoaster from hell, but we are here for support. pop over to my page and read my story, check out all the other ones, I find great advice there.

You can read the first chapter of DR on the website. Also, read Sandi's 37 rules post in the Newcomers forum. Great place to start.

As far as hope- there is hope as long as YOU have hope. Sorry this is vague, don't have much time write now.

The key to DB (divorce busting) is working on you because that is the only thing you can change...

Thank you both of and lost 18, I have read the first chapter of Dr, I'm waiting for my copies to arrive, may take another week. I have been doing some 180s unconsciously I think, working on my own issues.
It'll be 4 months on the fourth of July, since all this started, and somewhere early in the peace he agreed to at least 6 months trial separation, what happened to that? sorry this is dis jointed, I've had no sleep and I'm feeling exhausted, I actually feel like I did 4 months ago when the original b was d, like I'm back at square one, does this often happen? He says he tried to change the way he feels but it didn't work, he's just done, anyone heard this and seen it turn around??

Wanted to add that on the few occasions in the past four months that I have mentioned the d word, H looks pained and has said he's not even thinking about d, so I did bring it up tonight, because if he is saying I'm finished, let me go etc, then to me d, would be next (and, no this is definitely not what I want) he again said he hadn't really thought about d, u asked why, he said maybe because he didn't want to hurt me or doesn't want to be the bad guy, I know I've done a lot of damage

Hi watto14.

Just a quick reply:

Four months is nothing.
If YOU are not set on divorce right now, don't even plant that seed.
No divorce talk!
No major decisions should be made right now while emotions run high.

Let him go... Not in your heart, but in your mind and in your day-to-day actions.

He's going whether you like it or not.

The only thing that will influence the dynamics here is how you conduct yourself while this is going on.

The rules, the books, take them to heart, live by them.

You are going to be OK although it doesn't seem like that now.

----GG

watto,

You are definitely in the the right place on this forum. Yes, it may be possible to save your marriage. I cannot say for sure but one thing you can do which will help ease your mind is to go read the success stories. Some start off in much worse shape than you are in right now yet they managed to survive. Read other people's stories and gain wisdom from what they have done right, and learn to avoid what they have done wrong. Your husband is hurt and confused. Believe none of what he says, and only half of what he does. He will not be thinking like a rational person. So do not engage him with reason. Listen to him when he talks and validate what he says. Even if he is wrong. Be happy and upbeat. Think back to when you two fell in love. Try to be that person again.

It helps to think of it as your marriage as you knew it is now over...done...gone forever. What you are trying to do now is build a new relationship with your husband. You dont want the old relationship back, because that one was broken even when you thought it wasnt. Learn from what your part in the breakdown was, and work on it. Work on making yourself a better person. Become the wife only a fool would leave.

I know this sounds like it does not address the issue at hand. What you want is an answer or a solution to get your husband back asap. Sadly it does not work that way. Everything you have done up to this point has only pushed him farther away. That is why DB is so counter intuitive. It is basically the opposite of what you FEEL like you should do. But it works. Even if your marriage is not salvaged, at the end of the day you are a better person. And your leave with your self esteem intact.

This will be extremely hard, we all know this. Each day will get slightly better as you apply the principles of DB. The more you learn to detach, the easier it will be for your to get through your day. A month ago I was on the edge of a real breakdown. I had lost my mind and was in the very spot you are right now emotionally. Today I have a calm about me and have no problem getting through my days. And I am making progress at the same time. Read the books, and for now, read Sandi2s 37 rules. They really are the best road towards saving your marriage.

^^^ good advice.

Thank you for the replies, it's nice to be not floating around by myself anymore, I guess with tonight's bd, I am feeling exactly like I did 4 mths ago like you pilot, I thought I would go insane and then I said to myself I wasn't giving up on my m or my family, and I've been mostly ok, but tonight I'm back at square one and it doesn't feel good