Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Long term marriage - husband quit!

Hello.
27 year marriage, ups and downs, husband has been depressed, but swears he's not. About 6 weeks ago we had a huge fight.. He said he's done. Gone.

For 30 years he has been the pursuer, we have had bad years, but last 2 have been good. Since his "I'm done" statement, he has not looked back. Last week he told me he was "talking" to someone.. He lives at home, most nights,
My actions:
Beg, plead cry 10 days
Calmed down tried to rationalize. 3 weeks.
Last week. Started 180, but am confused about all specifics.
He is hell bent on getting a divorce. That's all he wants to talk about (even before "friend"). I exposed his "friendship" to his counselor, mother and brothers family (and our two 18yo an 2o yo daughters) right away.
I have not shown contempt or anger toward him. I deserve a medal for the screaming and hostility I have received. That is what pushed me into 180 mode.

I have spoken to an lawyer, removed a few personal items from house. I am getting support from friends, all want me to ditch him

6 weeks ago I was the love of his life. He says divorce, but looks very weepy and seems conflicted. Confuses me, but if I approach him, I get yelled at.

He also wants to be "buddies", and talk, this has confused me greatly (I still expect make up flowers every day!)
My End:
Like to control things. He hates that now ( liked that trait before)
So I'm trying to let go.
Went to EDMR to process trauma history, stop blaming him and bringing up the past.
6 sessions, feel good!
Pray prayers for forgiveness, patience and peace every day. Went through a prayer process with out priest, took 2 hours but so healing.
Have kept house in good order, been pleasant, read DB, Gottman theory and other rebuilding books, he refuses to even try.

I do not want to label him, but if this is a MLC, I don't have 3 - 10 years in me. I'm patient but not that heroric!
If he has not filed yet, (as of Friday he had not) I will try to DB another 4 months, but with him avoiding the house and not even talking to me, how good can that work?

My lawyer said he sounds like someone who might change his mind after filing, when rational thinking prevails, but idk, he's stubborn- and "talking" to another.

Can someone this angry turn around in 6 mo?

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

I had to check in due to your screen name.


He didn't just get angry.


How about you go 4 months and reevaluate. You'll see it said a lot around here, It's a marathon, not a sprint. Things didn't get broken in 4 months, things won't be repaired in 4 months. Timelines are your enemy if you want to save your M.


Who likes being controlled? I'd go deeper into this because for many (most?) of us here, this is the root of things.

Why you want to save your M because it's work.

I love him. Have loved him since I was 17. Only him.
Yes, I agree, control is a terrible temptation, and for the life of me I do not know why I didn't relent.

I have been to ground zero. I have done EDMR, meditated, prayed and spent hours self reflecting this issue. I have written pages of apologies, to people I have not seen in years, and left them at the alter.

Today I pray for Dignity, Grace and Patience. It has been 7 weeks of hell. I have gotten to the point of sleeping in little clumps, but the nightmares/images wake me up in a panic.

I have been trying to GAL. I have one plan for working on reconciliation, and another for moving on. Currently they are the same plan. 180 advice.

Most I have read has been discouraging, but I was advised that once people get back together or "drop the rope" they stop posting, so most people here are somewhere in the middle.

Yes, I take my share of blame, I have claimed it and let it go.

Oh!, and Thank You for your replies. I feel so lost I am loosing my manners.

Hello! Thank you for your replies. I am just getting the hang of this message board.

Thank you,, Cadet and Labuan.
Have done some intensive reflection out west, have read, meditated, prayed, talked poor peoples heads off for 10 days straight.

I still don't want to label MLC, or WAS, because it really does not marrer, but from all I read, I decided my plan..

My unofficial view, gathered in many pieces and parts, is that there are stages to this syndrome. For about the first three to four months, there is absolutely nothing you can do as the left behind spouse.
Your best, and only recourse is to 180 for self protection and growth.

The second "stage" comes around the next 3 - 4 months. In this stage the WAS starts to have some doubts about their descisiion. It is in this period, for lack of better words, stage two, there may be genuine interest (tho small sparks) of interest by the WAS.

Of course, ow/OM play certain roles in this timeline...

The thing to do is continue 180 and not slide from the positive growth from your hard work. If you notice signs of reconnection, communication, you are on the right path, I guess. Try other positive for you changes and see if it has an effect.

So, in my honest opinion, I really should 180, and hold off decisions for another
4-5 months from now. At least. Labug right on the nose!

If I can hold off divorce proceedings.

The important part is to read the books and work on yourself and children's future. This site has been a godsend and wealth of info!

I have supplied a few comments here, I know I am under moderation, but it has been a few days, I think.
Is there a reason? or is this normal?

Hello!

This weekend will mark 8 weeks since "the blow up". He is still in the negative, has not moved out, but almost is never home. Having a conflict as to weather go no contact with him, or keep up 180 when I see him.

Last week he was in Germany, I thought he texted about "putting things together". I was elated, saw this as an olive branch. When we talked that night, he did nothing but same old, yelling, anger "this is all your fault!" verbally abusive diatribe.
I was more than heart broken!

I sent him a letter (I apologized for a 2 am pleading message, I was really torn by the hope/despair of the day.)
I told him (flat out) that even tho I did not want him to move out, I was NOT going to approach relationship talk with him. I used the prior evenings melt down as an example as to why this was unhealthy for me.

I 180'd the best I could. Without anger, set boundaries and was very concise. I also re directed a lot of his blaming on his actions, not his person, not me, our daughters or the universe. I asked him to understand the pain that we all are experiencing.

Not a word until today, he came home from work trip. I asked him to mow the lawn (3 acres) so I knew he would be by sometime.
I had the house looking sharp, had my hair and light makeup, had on tank top and short shorts (lost 40 pounds - all most too skinny) and was headed out to the store when he showed.

He changed and started mowing, I got my purse and waved from the porch, he ignored me. I got in my car to go, he pulled up, incredulous and asked where I was going?
He said "I saw you yelling at me!" (?) I said "I was waving goodby! Used a smile and went to store."

Returned bottles, picked up pop, went home, got gas cans, went to get diesel. Came home with those, he called me into house.
Said he was upset being in house (I said I'm sorry you feel like that.)
He asked if he should move out, (I said no)
He started tearing into me about everything I was not, I said
"As long as you have a girlfriend, OW, "talking to" whatever -
there will be no discussion of "us" -period."
Stopped there.

I started packing suit, sun lotion, towel and hoodie in bag. Nicely mentioned to him I was going boating. WITH WHO? I looked at him. "Oh, so I can't know who with? Since your note, you are not giving me details?"

"Well, where are you spending your nights?" I calmly came back with.. End of discussion. So I happily left a very slack jawed spouse sitting in the living room.

Have not heard a word. Really went to church. felt good to get some of my power back.

Feeling good about getting your power back is controlling. This is not about power or getting him back. It is about learning about ourselves and becoming better people. Im glad you found this place. Im also sorry you find yourself here. Send him no more notes, no more begging or pleading. Be slwayst at your best. Let him miss you.