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what do you do. she has talked to her dad and step mom and sure she has told them a different version. I have been thinking about talking to them and telling them there is more to story.. ie... the house, bills, kids etc... were lost priority! She has told me she is depressed.. what do I do
I will do anything! Her dad is a big influence on her. Even though narcissist. is a fairly good grandpa! She has avoided them during the start of this for months, but seems to be reaching out! Saw a txt from her dad that told her not to carry any guilt

I think if they new about affair and neglect of kids, running from church etc... they may have a different perspective

Have you actually read the DB or DR books?

I have read both books . read about 2 weeks ago! I have been trying 180 but slipped back over weekend! Getting ready to meet wife today> she wants to talk> my strategy is to just listen but not try and fix anything> If she talks about big D I am going to listen but not commit to anything I am no where ready to talk about kids, divorce assets any of that. I will just listen to her and let her talk> if she asked me what I am thinking I will let her know that I need to think about things since they are major decisions and I am not ready to discuss. any suggestions

Detach! You are not detaching so it is extremely hard to have no expectations and remain no contact in your 180s. How are your 180s going? Maybe time to re-evaluate and use what works.





Listening is good but are you validating? Wonka has a great thread here on how to do it. It's saying "wow that sounds tough....man I can see why you feel that way.." and not injecting" but I think you should blah blah blah..." If she feels she is on your side she will soften

and have you read and re read Sandi2's 37 rules? Put more effort into it. Be the last to end a conversation and then leave the room do something busy. Scarce words right? She will want to bring up D and corner you into that big conversation so dont allow it. You don't react from fear but a place of strength. Those questions are stressful and think we all have been there. show confidence and strength always.

One thing I felt God say to me in this is "win her back quietly" so that means I shut up and change and transform for myself and then let that impact her and everyone else.

No guarantees this works out for me and you but we give it to God and do all that we can. Remember to come here often. It is source of strength and as a christian myself sometimes our married church friends don't have a clue cause they have not been in this trial.

5 A wise man is strong, Yes, a man of knowledge increases strength; 6 For by wise counsel you will wage your own war, And in a multitude of counselors there is safety. Proverbs 24:5-6

Here are some good db counselors at this forum. You can do this! Battle on for your M bro.

wife had asked for talk today so I didn't avoid. I let her do most of talking. she brought up idea of me getting an apartment and slowly letting kids what is going on. I listened validated but kept quiet she then got mad and asked if I was going to respond. I told her I understood where she was coming from but needed some time to sort through. she then brought up house and said she thought it would be best for kids if they stayed in home till next spring with her. too much change for kids. I told her I would think through. I did tell her I was on my own time line and sorry if I couldn't commit to her idea at this time. she then got mad and said well it will be this way one way or other and you can work with me on this or I would just do it. we talked a little about where things went wrong. her answer has always been its just us. I asked her to explain. I want to be friends but need her to work with me on this.
she told me she would always love me but that she just doesn't feel it any longer. We talked a little more and she is suggesting we spend at least a day a week together as a family. We are going to go up to a family graduation party in two weekends. idea came up about me living with my sister for a while so transition would be easier for kids. sister in town lives 10 minutes away. I don't know if I have much choice in this now. I know she still has love for me and will always care about me. but I need a wife not a friend. any thoughts

Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. I know those words dont sound like much, but if you take the time to read some of the success stories from start to finish you will see LBS saying the same things you are saying now. Remember your W will speak in absolute negatives. She will rewrite your marriage history. Dont listen to it and dont take it to heart. Her views will change in time regardless of how your M turns out. RIght now she is hurting and scared, and needs to convince herself she is doing the right thing.

I read recently where you dont reply with "I understand where you are coming from" because you really do not. You cant at this point in time. Instead say something a little more validating like "It must have been very hard/painful for you over the past few months/years".

Also, do not move out of your home if you have a choice. Stay there and stay with the kids. If she cannot live with you, let her move out.

All in all it does not sound like your M cannot be salvaged. The fact she admits she still loves you is more than some people on here get. Keep your chin up, and make sure you stick to the guidelines of DB.

Best of luck.

***edited for content

Pretty standard advice around here:

1. Don't involve family if possible
2. Don't move out of the house

that makes sense. I was thinking maybe moving to sisters for a while would be ok because that is what she wants. but I did tell her I needed a few days to sort through. so I think she will me angry that I am not leaving. she thinks transition for kids would be easier, but I am not going to di it. I will tough it out and let her do what she wants and be the best father, person and roommate I can be and see where the cards fall.

Tell her that if she is the one that is unhappy, then she is the one who should leave. Find out what your legal rights are and be sure to get at least 50% time with your kids. Take the control away from her.

Start doing what's right for YOU. And be sure to continue your positive changes.