Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis My H's MLC

And so the rollercoaster ride continues. I was getting a bit nervous actually because he was too nice and civil for too many days. Yesterday we had a kids party and as we got home, between the kids being fussy from being tired and hungry and traffic on the ride back, he flew off the handle... screamed, cursed, threw a chair and ran out of the house. At this point I feel like he needs help. I know that there's anger during an MLC but this is not okay for my kids.

I could tell by the way his two best friends acted at the party that he told them something about our sitch. They were very cold and distant with me when they're usually not (I was close with them.. known them for 13 years). Would you all say anything to them or just leave it. I wouldn't tell them about the affair, just about the drinking, raging and craziness.. maybe they could guide him better?

I wouldn't say anything to his friends. I wouldn't speak to them about the situation because you are then putting them in the middle of an uncomfortable situation, i.e., discussing the drinking, raging and craziness, especially asking or mentioning that they guide him better. It's not their position to do this and also, if you were to speak to them and your h found out, it would not bode well w/your h. We have found here that when asking others to step in and "guide/or suggest things to them, the individuals in crisis will tune them out.

Step back and allow your h to grow up. He has to learn on his own w/o your help. You are not his mother. You didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him. Step back, give him space and allow him the time to figure things out so that he can grow up and become a mature man. Keep the focus on you and your finances for now.

Job thank you for that. I get caught up in the day to day episodes and try to "fix" and make things better and I really have to get out of that mind frame. Yesterday just really made me nervous for the 1st time. Whenever we come back from somewhere with the kids, even though things go smoothly, he always gets anxious and wants to run as soon as we get home... and he does. Yesterday the car ride home was tougher because the kids were cranky so when we walked in from the party I just knew he would fly off the handle. You could tell by his body language. I tried to quickly get the kids dinner ready so that I could feed them and put them to bed. As I was doing that my daughter tripped, twisted her foot and started to cry and that just made him go nuts. He started cursing, threw a chair and screamed "I can't stand this f-in house". I calmly said just go, just leave, because I knew that's what he wanted to do. I give him all the space I possibly can but I don't think it's enough.. but he just won't move out. So instead he stays there and is tormented. He is around us only as much as we wants to be and even when he's home, I'm always staying out of the same room, staying busy, keeping the kids entertained. I'm on egg shells around him all the time, trying to keep the kids under control so he won't rage but it's really getting tiresom. He had mentioned once that July 1st he's moving out. That's tomorrow and I don't see it happening. Should I ask him about it or leave it alone. Should I talk to him telling him that I see he is uncomfortable and unhappy and maybe he should get more space from us? It's just not fair to my kids to watzh their dad like this. My daughter was hysterical yesterday after he stormed out.

So sorry to hear that things are getting worse, Sarah.
I wouldn't say anything to him about if or when he's leaving. I think you're best just giving him his space. Again, the whole hating the "house" is exactly what I got from my W. After the MLC started she so hated the house we have lived in for 15 years that she wouldn't have anyone over, she was too "embarrassed". It was always too messy or too small or the grass was too long. She would meet people who picked up the kids somewhere else to avoid them seeing where we lived! Now, it's a small, modest home but most of the people we know live in small, modest homes and if they don't, so what? Why is it so important what other people think of where we live? We made a choice to spend our money on more important things like private school for the kids. Over the last 18 years we have spent over $200,000 on private schools something SHE wanted just as much or more than I did at the time. The person she has become now is more worried about how other people see her than what or who she really is.

When she told our D14 she was leaving, she told her it was because "This place is just unhappy", not that SHE was unhappy or that she and I just can't get along or don't love each other, no, it's that the home we live in is "unhappy" (not HER, the PLACE). Your H is very much still in the anger stage. He is angry that he feels so unhappy and wants to blame anything but himself or his own actions. Also, get used to the other people being "cold' after he talks to them. Over time they will see the truth.

My W came over Saturday to pack up things she is taking to her new house. She was being fairly nice about it and I was helpful and upbeat. She also took our D14 with her to spend the night and had hoped for her to go to her company picnic on Sunday. When she came back Sunday after D14 refused to go to the picnic with her, she was a totally different person. She was angry because our D wouldn't do what she wanted and now the sullen teenager came out to play. Anytime she doesn't get her way she reacts like a child and looks for anything to blame OTHER than herself and how she has destroyed her relationships.

I will admit that, like you, I tried to head off the blow ups that I knew were coming (how you "quickly" got the kids dinner ready so you could send them to bed). Nothing you do will make a difference since the problem isn't the house or the kids being the kids. The problem is in HIS mind. He will find a reason that you or the house or the weather is the REAL problem, not him or how he chooses to think or behave.

He is responsible for his relationship with his kids. We can't help them or hurt them although, just like everything else they see as "bad" in their life, they will try and blame you for somehow manipulating the kids against them. In their minds they are 'right" and you as the "bad" S are "wrong".

Hang in there Sarah. All you can do at this point is ignore his outbursts and give him as much space as possible. Logic won't work, in fact it will make things worse. Just keep up the 180's and GAL activities and get used to the fact that you can't know who he will be at any given moment or in any situation. Stinks, I know but not much else you can do right now.

I would not mention to your H the move out date. For his hysterical behavior he has a lot of pent up anger. Stay away from him.

Check out the The No More Mr. Nice Guy website

Take care of yourself and get help for you and the kids. Maybe a cleaning lady or a mothers helper. Having 2 so little is so so hard.

Matt165 it's crazy how they all act in more or less the same way. It's almost like they're following a manual or script.

For my H, although he said this f-in house, it's not the physical house but the people inside that he can't stand. Like you said though, it's everyone else's and everything else's fault that they feel the way they do. we all push their buttons and make them explode. If it wasn't for us, they'd be happy. He won't outright say it but it's the kids that he can't handle. When I'm just home, or the kids are asleep, he is relaxed. But when the kids are around, he is anxious and on edge. They are 1 and 3. What in the world could he expect (I know, nothing, because no logic flows in his brain). I'm actually happy when he's only around for an hour or so during the day because it's less work for me. I don't try to shield them from him or make it better for him, it's more sheilding them from his outbursts. That's why the egg shells. My daughter has such fear in her eyes when he does these things. It's so heartbreaking to watch because as I mentioned before, they had such a close bond and now she's afraid to be around him. And of course 10 mintues after he storms out she's crying I want daddy, I want daddy. It is insane the amount of damage they can do.

As to GALing, I went out for dinner with my cousins Saturday night and he saw a picture one of them posted. I'm wondering if part of his moodiness came from seeing that (he was fine Saturday). Up until this weekend I told him if I was going out and this was the 1st time I didn't mention anything.

BklynMom thanks for the advice. I just looked up that site and that was my H before this. And now he is just all anxiety and rage. This is definitely all so hard.. and I'm only a little over 2 months in. I can't imagine doing this for years like some on here have done.

Hi Sarah,

I can't believe I've missed your thread. I'm sorry you find yourself although you will find wonderful and supportive peeps here. These folks get it where *real life* peeps don't always understand.

In regards to your h's childhood, my h had a very loving and priviledged childhood. However, he struggled with very low self esteem and was held back twice in school. He would break down and cry as an adult at the ridicule and shame he felt. He always felt his older brother was better. So, while I'm not expert in MLC, difficult issues in childhood come in a variety of ways.

I can relate to much of what you say. My m was probably 3rd on my priority list and I too thought we were in this together. I thought we we would be together forever. I feel sort of silly thinking that now.)Work on things for you-to make you a better person and mom. We, too, struggled with lack of intimacy and that is something that you really can't appropriately show you h at this time IMHO.

I think you are doing a good job by staying out of his way. Respond and focus on not reacting. Just leave him alone. Be cordial and leave him be. Don't talk to his friends. Not your sandbox. Just focus on you and your little ones. Your kids are fun ages:-)

Hang in there! It gets much, much better.

Georgiabelle, I just read through some of your sitch and I can't believ how similar our situations are. The way your relationship was before BD and the things your H did after. I'm not caught up yet but I'm hoping you're in better times now. My H hasn't moved out yet but I feel like it's coming. I can't see him staying in our house for long.

Curious, when you say it gets much much better are you referring to when the MLCer moves out, or the process in general? Because right now I feel like I'm still on my way down with much more chaos and dread in sight.