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Journaling…

On such an emotional roller coaster. The fact that H is showing signs of wanting to reconcile is definitely making things much more emotionally challenging for me. It gets my expectations up and then when things don’t go at the pace I want my anxiety starts getting the better of me and I go into desperation mode wanting to push and pressure things along. Last night I got home and had to hide in my room for a while and just cry, facing up to the reality that this is going to take a LONG time and we may never get back together.

Fortunately, despite my sadness I was able to turn my mood around a bit. I thought about what I enjoy doing with the kids and reading is a good one so we stopped by the library on the way home from work. We had been invited to a drive in movie last night by a neighbor. Maybe I SHOULD have made us go but I just did not feel up to it at all. I am not sure if this particular neighbor even knows H and I are separated and I didn’t feel up to questions. So I decided to go easy on myself and hang at home with the kids. We played Go Fish, which definitely helped my mood. Then got them to bed relatively early and rented The Devil Wears Prada. Funny, light movies are one of the BEST ways to turn my mood around, especially when I don’t feel like I have much mental strength. H texted me and we chatted a bit via text. I went to sleep feeling relatively good.

This morning I got myself up early and got on the treadmill, had an ok run. S suggested we eat breakfast on the deck which was delightful, I need to do that more often. I feel best in the am, getting up early and getting going always sets the day off on the right foot for me. Dropped kids off and then had a little cry in the car. They are with H this weekend and will be with him until Tuesday. It’s going to be a nice weekend, I will miss them very much. H also wants to take them next Wednesday. It’s killing me but of course I know really I should be thankful he is such an engaged Dad, it could be much worse.

Have some good GAL plans today that will hopefully help. Leaving work early and headed to a friend’s house for a happy hour in her gardens. I respect and admire her very much and she’s very wise and calming so this is perfect timing. Tomorrow I will meet with another friend for a walk and dinner out. Other than that I don’t have many plans. I really want to force myself to do some things around the house that I’ve been procrastinating on so trying to leave my weekend a bit open, although this may end up a mistake. I should also visit my Dad.

I have, have, HAVE to force myself not to engage with H at all when I’m in that emotional/desperate place. It’s confusing because sometimes he responds quite well even when I am not emotionally level but I think the bottom line is things are too fragile and it’s not really worth the risk. Learning to manage my emotions better is so KEY, for this and just to help improve my life in general. I have all the knowledge and tools, I just need to implement!! I don’t want to get caught up in a barrage of self help books, classes and counselors. I think I need to get focused and really consistently dedicate myself to a couple of key things that I know will help: 1). Meditation, 2). Running (both of these are to help with anxiety, overall mood management) 3). Anger management. Whenever I am down/don’t know what to do this weekend I am determined to get myself working on these items, as well as all the stuff around the house that I keep letting slide!

Various household things that I know will make me feel good if I get done this weekend: mow the lawn, weed, water the garden, clear out recyclables, take old clothes to good will, stain outside swing, find out how to renew my passport, visit farmers market, food shop, do some baking/meal planning, organize some closets.

So that's my latest plan. Will post my progress through the weekend.

Finally, finally booked myself on an evening canoe tour, which I have been meaning to do forever. So glad I did, need to keep reminding myself when I make plans like that it makes me feel so much better. A colleague just mentioned that an outdoors club that she belongs to and I've been meaning to connect with is doing a harbor cruise next Wednesday when H will have the kids. I'm anxious to go but thinking about seeing if I can join, probably would be good for me.

Sounds like fun!!

MDU,

Glad you're going on the canoe trip. What fun!

I wanted to circle back a bit.

You wrote:

The fact that H is showing signs of wanting to reconcile is definitely making things much more emotionally challenging for me. It gets my expectations up and then when things don’t go at the pace I want my anxiety starts getting the better of me and I go into desperation mode wanting to push and pressure things along. Last night I got home and had to hide in my room for a while and just cry, facing up to the reality that this is going to take a LONG time and we may never get back together.

Yes. This process will take a long time and there's no real fixed time or deadline. It is a mirage on your part. That is why you get your knickers up in a twist because of whatever "imaginary" deadline is in your head.

A R process is bumpy indeed with fits and starts. Starsky, Bond, Bug, Train, etc all have experienced bumps. What helped them get over the "hump" so to speak was being self-aware and mindful of THEIR OWN attitudes, reactions, and comments.

And guess what? They got back together! So can you and H!!

Thanks for the reminders Wonka. Emotionally I just so wish he would come home. I am all for the work of fixing things being a long, bumpy road but this separation sux on so many levels. I miss my kids when they go with him, I miss being a family, I miss H. I wish we were at least in the same house again. Intellectually I know it would be foolish because clearly we're not ready. But on the flip side, I worry the longer we are physically separated the less and less likely we will get back together. I fear this separate life is gaining momentum.

MDU,

When you send H his BD card, be sure to kiss the inside of it with your lipstick! That'll give him something to think about.

or spritz some of your perfume on the inside

when my 1st boyfriend and I started dating, we were away from each other quite a bit (he went to school about 5 hours away from me.) One thing we did was send an old t-shirt to each other that we had worn for the night...

So he got a t-shirt from me that smelled like my lotion and shampoo and some perfume (because...right...like I wasn't going to spritz on some )

maybe you could do something small like that...or bake him his favorite dessert...just because

you know...almost like dating again

mdu,

I've felt for a long while that you and your H were on the road to reconciliation. What's most telling: the changes we are (he is) watching you make in YOU. And how he responds when you're paying attention to yourself and your GAL.

I know there's all sorts of uncertainty. But I honestly think you're H is soooo close.

And please listen to Wonka's suggestions. That girl put me in heels (well, wedges) one weekend, and H broke up with his OW the following day.

You're doing so awesome, mdu. I really think you're doing things just right now.

Hang tight. And wait for him to bite. It's coming. I just know it.

Thx Train. I have to say, things just feel so, so off now. I felt like H was THERE but he has since really kind of pulled away. It's so heartbreaking. I honestly think that if I tried to put a lipstick kiss on a card right now it would completely freak him out. One minute we seem SO close and the next a million miles away. I'm just hanging tight and not reaching out to him. I'm feeling in that desperate mode which I know is definitely not a good time to reach out to him. If I start to feel better at some point over the weekend then maybe I'll make a move but for now I'm hanging tight and trying to calm my mind.