hi sarah, sorry you have found yourself here.this site has been so helpful to me. it is not a pleasant thing to think about.. my h was having an A and we were still ML. after I found out , I went to my dr to get tested. You just never know.
what cadet says above is so true!
Just know it comes in waves. be ok with that. keep the focus on you and your babies!
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Mach1 and willbwell thanks for your responses. The feelings definitely come in waves and I wish there was a way to make it all stop. It's so insane to be in this place, especially since it goes against every fiber in you. It's just hard to swallow that the person that for 13 years was your confidant and best friend has done a 180 and spiralling out of control and taking you with them. He is deciding the fate of your family and you can do NOTHING about it.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
One thing I wonder about constantly is why he is all of a sudden so absolutely uncomfortable around us (me and the kids). He literally can't go for more than an hour or two in the house. He comes from work most nights, hangs for an hour or so with the kids and then bolts, going to friends or usually OW, then comes home around 2am, drinks until 3am or so and then comes up to bed, just to do the exact same thing all over again. On the weekends he'll have breakfast with us and then maybe hang until 2pm or so or sometimes leave earlier. If we're out at a function he is okay, it's just when he's at home.. he is visibly uncomfortable after an hour or so. He has said to me in the past few weeks that he feels caged in, that he can't spend every weekend home with us. His hands shake, he's antsy, anxious, and if he's there long enough, snappy with the kids and then bolts. Is this guilt? Is this a normal symptom of MLC? What is going on? Will this ever go away? I think that's why he's pushing for the divorce so badly. Because he's physically so uncomfortable around us all of a sudden.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
One thing I wonder about constantly is why he is all of a sudden so absolutely uncomfortable around us (me and the kids). He literally can't go for more than an hour or two in the house. He comes from work most nights, hangs for an hour or so with the kids and then bolts, going to friends or usually OW, then comes home around 2am, drinks until 3am or so and then comes up to bed, just to do the exact same thing all over again. On the weekends he'll have breakfast with us and then maybe hang until 2pm or so or sometimes leave earlier. If we're out at a function he is okay, it's just when he's at home.. he is visibly uncomfortable after an hour or so. He has said to me in the past few weeks that he feels caged in, that he can't spend every weekend home with us. His hands shake, he's antsy, anxious, and if he's there long enough, snappy with the kids and then bolts. Is this guilt? Is this a normal symptom of MLC? What is going on? Will this ever go away? I think that's why he's pushing for the divorce so badly. Because he's physically so uncomfortable around us all of a sudden.
It's not necessarily the environment that he is in, that makes him uncomfortable ...
It is the skin that he is in, that makes him uncomfortable...
It's not necessarily the environment that he is in, that makes him uncomfortable ...
It is the skin that he is in, that makes him uncomfortable...
Pretty normal for a MLCer
My fear is that because he is so full of pride he will never realize that it isn't us but is him. I know that not everyone comes out of the MLC tunnel and I'm so afraid that he is a perfect candidate for that since he hs always been a prideful person. He has always been driven by what people think more so than what he wants. I feel like he has rarely been honest with himself and what he truely wants and I guess this is part of the reason he is going through this now.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
It's not necessarily the environment that he is in, that makes him uncomfortable ...
It is the skin that he is in, that makes him uncomfortable...
Pretty normal for a MLCer
My fear is that because he is so full of pride he will never realize that it isn't us but is him. I know that not everyone comes out of the MLC tunnel and I'm so afraid that he is a perfect candidate for that since he hs always been a prideful person. He has always been driven by what people think more so than what he wants. I feel like he has rarely been honest with himself and what he truely wants and I guess this is part of the reason he is going through this now.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
I think it is pretty typical mlc behavior. same with my h. he even verbalized to me that he didn't feel comfortable in our home... I can honestly say I had no part in making him feel that way. They really do want to run, to escape...But you know the saying.. wherever you go there you are.
we can't fix them... my h always looks sad when he is here. It is really too bad
hang in there. show your h his mood will not impact yours!
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Sorry you are here but it is the best worst place to be.
To start...
MLC is something that only you can decide. Since you are posting in the MLC forum, i'm gonna go with it.
While i can agree with Matt that you didnt CAUSE this, that is where the agreement stops.
You didnt cause this however SOME of your H's complaints are probably legitimate. It is up to you to look at those things and decide which things you need or want to change.
Those changes must be for you, in order for you to become a better person, and not solely for saving your M. A MLCer can smell insincere changes a mile away.
As far as doing anything about the affair, what can you really do? You arent going to force him to stop it, you arent going to shame or embarrass the OW or make her stop it.
The only thing you can really do is decide how you want to act while your H Is in an active affair. Do you think its a good idea to have sex with him right now? Do you think you can live in the same house as peacefully as possible while its going on?
How you act now will reflect back on you later. It may not be tomorrow or next week or even next year but eventually it will be the foundation on which a new relationship between the two of you will be built.
And the fear you have right now about him not waking up is about the outcome of your marriage. Hopefully, eventually, that fear will change. You will hope he wakes up so that he can find peace and happiness regardless of the outcome of your marriage. That is what true unconditional love looks like.
Keep posting, reading, and learning. DB is a wonderful tool and this really is an amazing place.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Willbwell I guess you're right. It's just hard to watch because he makes me want him to leave too since he is so uncomfortable. I think it's just hard for me to process since just 2.5 months ago he was fine being here and with us and now it's like he can't stand it. But I guess that's his cycling further into MLC and away from us.
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
