And yet, another similarity.. I entered a relationship not long ago and this gentleman was very good to me and my kids but his issue is also rejection . He wanted more and more of my attention. He wanted every minute I could spare to be with him. He started feeling rejected . He started playing childish games of making me jaleous or withdrawing himself for a few days to get me to react. I didn' t. Instead, I looked at the dynamic of having a relationship with this man. ( I got a call from one of my kids and I had to leave him and he got very upset ) I backed off. He is persistent and we are good friends but he hopes we will get back together in the future. I don' t see it happening anytime soon. Every time he pushes himself onto me, he gets hurt and goes back to his cave for a few days then comes back with : " you mean too much to me to let you go. I want you in my life. " We hang out for a bit until he pushes again .. rinse and repeat. Not very healthy relationship. I wonder if I should cut off the whole thing for his own good.
We both picked left behind spouse of MLC. We bonded with them because of emotions, feelings and understanding. They are doing their best as we are. buttom line is: Can we accept their flaws?? Can they accept ours?? Can we have a healthy relationship around it all?? On my part, I am not ready for it and the gentleman I was dating is trying to convince me otherwise.
You know at times I still feel so alone on this journey, but this is why I came back to the boards. Because I know Im not!
Yes you are right! All 4 of us are MLC LBS's. However his Ex wife's MLC was 10 years ago! And believe me the man has lived it up since then, but said he was always trying to find happiness. I don't think He really knows that true happiness and joy really comes within.
Your bottom line is EXACTLY what mine is, and what we're discussing that the time. Poor guy was a little blown away that what attracted him to me was the same thing that's starting to bother him! Im a head strong woman! And it's the same thing for me... I adored his open, say it like it is-honesty! Now, he needs to just tone it down a bit!
Hmm... funny. The first long term gf I had after the ex was a woman that was also a LBS. Somewhat needy, but very aware of it which made it interesting.
I broke it off, and it hurt. Still does sometimes.
More importantly, I think it was helpful to be honest, and to still be in communication with her. I didn't just discard her, ya know?
The difference between LBS and MLCr when it comes to selecting a new partner? We were hurt directly by somebody we trusted. Once bitten, twice shy...
That, and a lot of growing up occurs in a short period of time. We mature because we have to. We learn and become acutely aware of things we previously didn't need to be aware of. A MLCr often does things for different reasons during that phase.
Can we have a healthy relationship? I would say yes. I think you both have the foundations for healthy relationships. Just need to find a healthy partner is all
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Very interesting and deep things to consider and think about. Thank you AJ and Wishing.
Absolutely AJ, discarding them is not an option. And that's why I've chosen to keep talking to him and discuss our problems together, so I guess we're not broken up at the time. WE all know what it's liked to be tied to the back of a vehicle and drug for miles when getting discarded! How could we ever do that to anyone else?
I've spent the last couple evenings discussing issues with him. It seems he's quite frustrated with me because what I see as true reality, he see's as me being pessimistic.
I love the fact he wants to try and has hope, but it concerns me he's got some blinders going up too.
And what Im being realistic about is our issues we still carry from being LBS's and how it's effecting our relationship. He wants to work on our issues together and individually. He's aware of his issues, and how conflict arises between us. We're both seeing the dynamics.
Our we vicariously trying to get resolution from our failed marriages, through our present relationship together?
Do I choose to keep trying with him, even though I have doubts?
After all this time, I realize as far as I've come, Im not the healthiest partner either! The scars from XH's wounds still hurt. They aren't as healed as I thought they were!
Do we try and heal together, or heal apart? It feels so nice to have someone say they love you and are willing to work for the relationship.
I guess Im scared because I know it's not going to be easy. I just went through several years of a marriage what was awful, and a divorce that was devastating. Though Im not one to give up easy, is this a challenge Im going to regret taking if I agree to keep trying?
You guys have just about word for word expressed my fears.
I don't want to quit on h even tho he In the words of the ic, become road runner personified and is unlikely to return. On the other hand meeting someone even as a date might help, but I feel hesitant to hurt a new person the way I was, if I can't follow thru.
I'm not even sure, I can stump up to h, without falling to bits when push comes to shove. It's gets very messy, that internal dialogue.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Just as a thought - we are all broken in some way, depending whom you ask.
The real issue comes down to whether or not you're willing to stay and work through it, or...not.
As for dating somebody new, I suggest finishing with the current relationship first. It's not that I'd be concerned about hurting somebody else - you know better and can do no more than be honest with the person you're in a relationship with.
Kimmerz is honest. She is not hurting him. She is, by contrast being very respectful and honest by telling him the truth about he feelings. If she wasn't honest about it, then it wouldn't be worth it to continue.
Kimmerz, can I suggest you be careful with diagnosing issues in the both of you? At some point, you may just want to stop, drop, and enjoy the relationship without the analysis
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
It is very hard.. no matter which road we choose.. I know not everyone put on my road are out to hurt me. Not even XH. He did hurt me but it wasn' t about me. that took a longgggg time to grasp. that is when forgiveness comes in play. His mess is HIS, not mine. I should not be the one to pay for what others have done to him. And I will not make someone else pay for what others did to me. We all have our work cut out. The difference beetwin LBS and MLCer is the reality of things. We are not out to live a fairytale and destroy anyone who gets in the way. We are better then that. We know that is not the way to go. So as AJ said, I think we all have the right tool to be successful in an other relationship when WE FEEL the time is right for us to enter it..
