Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis My H's MLC

Cat04 I absolutely agree and see that some of H's complains are valid. As I mentioned in my initial post, when he sat me down the day of BD and told me how he felt, I never dismissed him or said he was wrong. Although there has been exaggeration on some points (recently telling me that we have been unhappy since our wedding night), I validate and apologize for my parts. Ever since we've had kids we've slowly stopped being each other's priority and in turn have neglected our relationship. I genuinely didn't realize how much he needed from me and I am totally seeing that now. And that is his main complaint with me. That I wasn't attentive enough, affectionate enough. He said he felt neglected. I was so consumed with the little ones I didn't think of him. My thing was that I thought we were in it together. We had 2 under 2. I see now that we were neglecting our needs but I didn't see it at the time. I thought we were in it together, raising kids while having demanding careers is stressful and to me that's life. Recently before BD we were saying how it will only get easier now as the kids got older. We just went away without the kids 2 weeks before BD and I thought (despite him being distant) we were slowly getting our time back.

I've only been in this for 2 months and I've already seen and learned so much about myself. I've realized things that I don't like about myself, how I react under stress, how I'm a perfectionist, how I drown before I ask for help. These are all things that I wish I learned about myself by other means but I'm glad I see them now. I've been a single parent for weeks now and I'm better handling the stress of 2 little ones better than before BD. I've now learned to let things roll off my back, I don't have to freak out, feel pressure or control every little thing. I realize now that I brought a lot of that on myself by having negative thought. I'm sure they'll be so much more that I'll realize as I go

As for unconditional love, if this isn't it then I don't know what is. Although when i first found out I wanted to destroy the OW. I no longer have those feelings. My mind does wander but to me I see her as a side effect to what he's going through. I have told him in the last few weeks that I genuinely do want him just to be happy. That is why I'm not guilting him into staying, begging or trying to confine him. I've told him to go out and figure out life for himself, because I see how empty and lost he is. He is not the person I know and married. I don't want him going on like this for the rest of his life.. I do genuinely want him to be happy.

Cat04 and that's why I'm confused about how to respond to the affair. Because I've been so supportive about all else and because I don't fight or argue with him, I don't want to give him the impression that the affair is okay with me too. I don't want to be viewed as a doormat because that is not how I feel. You're probably right about the sex part, it's just hard to reject when that's one of the issues H had with our relationship.. that we didn't have enough sex. That's why I'm confused about this point. How I should act.

Believe me, he doesnt think you are ok with it.

Acting ugly, exposing, confronting with a MLCer, strengthens their resolve. It shows them the you that they are leaving and proves to them they are making the right choice.

An example of a healthy boundary (way to deal with it) would be "as long as you are involved with OW, I cant have sex with you. Or share a bed, or whatever works for you.

I will caution you though, if you cant set a boundary that you can live with, dont bother. They will test you and if you falter, future attempts at boundaries wont be believed.

You are so early in this. At this stage its hard to know what to do.

Guard your self esteem, heart, and health if you choose to continue to be intimate. If you can continue that part of the relationship with no expectations that it means anything and without damaging yourself, then i cant say not to at this point. You will know if you need to make changes.

Cat04 thanks for the advice. The problem is that being intimate does mess with my self esteem and heart because it gives me hope, which deep down I know is false. I think it's time I start to set boundaries although who knows how much longer he'll be living with us since his itch to leave seems to be growing more intense.

So now he's leaving earlier in the morning and coming home after work less. Despite mentioning things this weekend that we need to work on in order to have a future, he sent me a text yesterday asking if I've found an attorney for "our divorce". It was yet another jab in the heart. I really have to stop believing anything he says. I see that the MLCer can make you go absolutely crazy with the back and forth. I think I am slowly getting why it's pointless to listen to them and why you must detach. If I could only fast forward to 2 or 3 years from now and see where we'd all be.

Hi Sarah,
The being uncomfortable in the home is normal. My W told my D's that she was leaving because "it's unhappy HERE", meaning our home. She would tell me that she was staying late at work because she was so uncomfortable at home. One of the "reasons" she gave for needing to leave and be on her own was that when she would go away for work, she didn't miss being at home. Surely that must mean that she will be happier away from home. That is what the MLC mind shows them.

My W also is very "prideful", very driven by what others think of her. When all this started she had an exercise to do for work. It asked what she gained by bringing her problems into the work place. Her first answer was she got "attention" from other people. She is always afraid that she is "invisible" to others and that no one notices her. This whole situation has made her the center of attention with her father and her new friends and she likes that.

It sounds to me like the problems you describe are the same, normal problems faced by every married couple with kids. How much time you give to the S as opposed to the kids. Losing your time together because of the time you need to commit to raising a new family. Things EVERY married couple with kids face and most get through it. I agree with you and I also thought we were "in this together" and if our WAS's had that mind set, they wouldn't have walked. No, there is more going on then whatever it was that YOU did to MAKE them act like they do. Sometimes there really is nothing that the other S did "wrong". That's not saying that there aren't things that you can start to see you could have done differently or things that in hindsight you wouldn't have done and it's important to face your own issues so you don't take them into another R or back into your M if things start to get better and you are able to work things out with your H. That's important work you need to do for yourself. I just think that sometimes there just wasn't anything you could have done differently to prevent what is happening now and it would have happened whether you were a perfect W or not.

Matt165 I initially did take the blame and kept looking back saying if I only did this differently, or that differently, we'd have a different outcome. But I am slowly realizing that given my H's upbringing and personality, this was destined to happen for him, the crisis that is. My H has had a wonderful childhood, coming from a very priveleged loving family. The problem is he was never taught to handle stress or be unhappy. If you were unhappy, mom and dad would fix it. If something stressed you out, don't worry you don't have to deal with it, we'll handle it. If you wanted something, they bought it. If you got fed up and threw a tantrum, you were right and mommy would clean up the mess for you. There was never boundaries or consequences. He was appeased his entire life. My H went from living a sheltered life at home, straight to a sheltered life with me. So when we built our house, the responsibilities started to mount, then had our daughter, more responsibility, then our son, boom... explosion. He says now that he just can't be around us. He can't sit around on the weekends. He went from being my daughter's best firend to barely acknowledging her. He needs to be out and free. What scares me is that he is so absolutely adament about the D and I'm afraid if that's rushed then there's no turning back. I know the MLC takes time and I wish he would give us time instead of rushing everything.

I am curious what makes you believe this is MLC.

While some people are accused of saying MLC because they dont want to face reality, personally it was not the answer i was looking for even though it was blatantly obvious in my situation. It isnt something i would wish on my worst enemy.

Sarah,
At first my W was in a rush to get D. I was able to hold that off for a year but in the end, she found some excuse for going forward. The time that it takes for them to get through this is a lot longer than we could ever realize. For most of that year I gave my W NOTHING but space, left her alone, even supported her so she could go away for work or to visit her father (who I knew was actively trying to get her to file!). She slept on the couch, went out with her friends (sometimes not coming home as she had too much to drink) while I watched the kids and I never said a word about any of it. I let her do what she wanted, when she wanted, no expectations. Didn't make a bit of difference. She was bound and determined to leave and if I didn't do anything to make her unhappy, she made things up that she "knew" I was doing or thinking!

I'm not saying you should make it easy for him. If he wants to get a D, let him do the work, find a lawyer, file, etc. When he brings it up just say that you don't think D is the answer and leave it at that.

In the meantime do the DBing. GAL, do some 180's that you can see might change the dynamic. Work on discovering what YOU want for YOU. I spent too much time hoping that since she hadn't left and stopped talking about D but only "separation" that things may be getting better. In less than a week, once her father came to town, she went from "separation" to filing without saying a word to me about the change! Now that she has filed, she hasn't been following up on it or even talking about the details. Let him spin. You need to be the best person you can and I think you are doing well on that front.

Cat04, I'm curious why you're so adamant to insinuate that it's not. Although I am no psychiatrist nor do I have a medical degree, my H is showing all the tell tale signs. He has the constant feeling of wanting to run. He is anxious, uncomfortable, around us and his entire immediate family (who he was always very close to). He has stopped talking to his parents, his brothers or anyone else he was close to. He is irrational, extremely irritable and all over the place. The things he says and does remind me and his family of a 17 year old.

He retained a lawyer but hasn't told anyone. When we're with friends and family he acts as if all is perfectly normal between us... and he's the one who makes the plans when we do see others (I don't ask him if he'll come or try to get him to go anywhere with us). He goes out every night then comes home and drinks and cries for an hour or 2 before coming up to bed. At times he talks about the future as if things are normal (fixing the closet, making more room for all the new clothes he's buying) and then says he's moving out. He says things like he's running out of time and he has to make changes NOW in order to be happy. He can't wait another day and that's why he has to divorce. He needs to restart everything so he can be happy again. He once had an inexplainable bond with my daughter and now she just stares at him and is uncomfortable around him because of how strange he behaves. This is all coming from someone who in our circle of friends was teased and known as "Super Dad".

Right now he only sees and talks about himself and how he feels, how this will all effect him, what he needs, what he wants.. completely discarding, forget me, but his kids. He has done a complete 180. I could go on and on and on.. the shopping, the nose job, the new sports car he's getting, the new life he keeps talking about... he is the poster child for MLC.