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Okay she is now texting telling me she is done gives up. Can't fix the printer, lost Internet. What a waste of a night to try and get something done. I am seriously going to lose it, all her words. What do I do with that?

Okay so I just said, that stinks you are having a bad night, especially with all the school stuff. Now she wants to quit school. Lol!!!

After the I just want to quit school comment, I just said okay, and that's it. I'm sure she won't text back, and hopefully will just not do anything until Thursday D's drop off and pick up. Really though, telling me all this, I mean yes I was bad to her, but to go off about nothing really working out, and just wanting to quit. It hurts me so much, but also makes me want to shake her awake to see what she is doing. Thank you board for being here. I don't have to say this to her anymore.

Last night was just crappy. She kept texting, so I just kept saying things like look forward to tomorrow, what happened today is done and over with. The D's love you, asked her what would help her sleep, she said no school and work. Just kept trying to be positive. Let D5 call her and talk for a few minutes. She acted like she wanted to talk to me, I said are you wanting to get off the phone or not, she said yeah sorry, I said you going to be okay, she said do I have a choice, and I said we always have a yes. Then I said okay see you later, she said Bye.

Pretty much our convo in a nutshell. What's weird is after that, my D5 said something that I think she has been holding in, daddy I'm mad mommy for leaving me. Talk about breaking your heart in a spilt second. You could tell she has been wrestling with this for a while, little words here and there, but I think that comment is what she is feeling. Do I tell the W about it or just let it go, until she is ready to say it to her? Poor little girl!!

I think this is what's it's going to be. The W was in much better spirits yesterday, and it seems that's it's a day to day thing. She called last night to talk to D's then wanted to talk to me about a couple things about them. No M talk, that's good, but I can see a pattern developing.

She is going to just be nice and civil for the kids, and that's it, a friendship for them. I did help her fix her internet last night and she said thank you like 5 times. That was nice, and it is good to see the old wife from time to time. I am feeling much better the last day or so too. So hopefully that means I am finally being able to think more like a friend and less like a husband.

I did let her have kids this weekend, supposed to be my weekend, her Mom wants to take them all camping. That is something I can live with, her mom is a sweet lady and still very friendly with me. I get them back next for 4 days for the a Fourth so it's a good trade off anyway.

I might go to a little dirt track racing this weekend. A guy I work with helps out with a team, and told me to come hang in the pits with em for the night Saturday. Haven't done that in years, so I think I will be taking the invite. I know nobody but the guy at work, so would be good to meet doe new folks.

I guess my kind reading is coming from this. Mind reading being she just wants to be friends. Everything that I have done up to this point about 3 weeks ago anyway, has caused more stress. The snooping, the terrible attitude, the crying, the just bad outlook on everything. Has made me look to pathetic, and to needy. And the only reason we are at least civil today, is that I kind of quit all that stuff.

I understand that she is more comfortable, and willing to at least try to be nice. I am trying to put no expectations on this, but still in the back of my mind I want her back, always going to be there. I feel almost like I am being 2 faced and fake, and that's not what I want or her to see. Trying to fake that it doesn't matter, and that I am ready to just move on. I think in the end that is the goal for me, at least as far as DB goes. Just to be able detach completely is next to impossible, but I know that's the goal.

If I did detach completely, what would it look like? And what if I just lose all the love I once had for her. I know the possibility for that is there, and it's scary to think about right now. Down the road who knows.

I am having a hard time making and sticking to goals. I don't even know where to start from there. If I think of a goal it always involves her in some fashion. My bucket list was good, and I can stick to a lot of those, but still couldn't get the W off of that even. I think I am just ready for a new chapter in life to begin. I'm tired of trying to figure this out, and thinking entirely too much. It's like a dense fog over everything in my life, and it needs to clear. To do that, I have to let go of the rope, and move on.

I think this means nothing more than talk about kids, which she will have a hard time with. She texts random stuff a lot, and I can't just ignore it. Like the Internet problems and mental issues. I feel I have to be there for her or it's over. There was verbal abuse on my part, and I think that makes me feel somewhat responsible for her. Right or wrong it is what it is. That is starting to fade though, past is the past and needs to just stay there. Tomorrow is a different day, the next day a different day. I have always had a hard time learning from mistakes. Now if I can turn that around, every day from now on will be better. And it's already starting. Just venting, and letting go of some pain where possible. Thanks

Another night down no contact. Dear lord is it hard. I asked a couple of friends to go out and both said not tonight. No fun to just sit around the house alone. Being broke of course helps nothing. Got to find a way to boost the income a bit. Get some playing money!!!

take a second job you would never have thought of taking. One with minimal responsibilities outside the job place. Part time. it will keep you busy and you will meet people you never would have met otherwise.

Feeling down today. Really missing the companionship of marriage. Yes I ruined it, but doesnt mean I won't miss from time to time. Saw the W today as well for kiddo drop off and pick up. Makes it so much worse on the days I see her. Still plodding along though. I am starting to feel like I may give up on the M, but might change tomorrow, seems that way from day to day.

I am trying to get the OM oit of my mind, and quit giving him the power he doesnt deserve. Everytime I think about him, I would get angry, but why? Because I felt jealous, but what is there to be jealous of really? We are separated, and I have no say what or who she is with anymore. I can only control me and mynfeelings toward it. I hope in a week or so to be in a much better spot. At least that is my goal with all of this.

Hang in there man. I know it's tough.

I experience the same emotions you do. Wanting to give up but my heart keeps me in it.

It's such a roller coaster. All you can do is fasten your seatbelt and make the most of it.