Have you given any thought as to why you attract those types of men? What is your inner dialogue telling you here that allows you "accept" them? What does a healthy, loving relationship look like to you?
It all comes down to self-worth and self-respect. In my case, I value myself far too much to date women who are/do:
-alcoholics -drug users -suck the life out of me -thrive on drama -negative -not compassionate
There have been times when I've been without a GF for a while because I didn't care for some of the qualities and/or characteristics that those women presented to the world.
I think that's what my point was in my post. I have grown so much through my divorce from my XH, and learned to VALUE MYSELF that I now know when to walk away! At one point in time I never would've known what to do.
Hi, I posted a great reply (I thought!) and then lost it. I am a great fan of Bancroft. Abuse is one area where all parties 'blame' the victim. It would be so helpful if abusers came with a big A on their forehead, but the truth is they are often subtle and clever, and do not start in until we are comfortable.
I believe that MLC is largely about emotional abuse, and also agree with Frank Pittmen that adultery is emotional abuse, and not about sex. If we saw it that way we would be less tolerant , in social terms, I believe.
Coming out of a long relationship with an abusive MLCer (even if they didn't start that way, and my xh was not abusive during most of our long marriage) we are vulnerable, but not stupid!!
You spotted it and stopped it. Fantastic, As Bancroft shows, almost anyone can sucked into an abusive relationship - the stories of survivors show a whole range of strong feisty women. Indeed I would argue that our fairness, kindness and compassion make us arguably a little more vulnerable - we cut people some slack.
The idea that we are somehow to blame for the abuse of someone else is just not right. If we stay in an abusive relationship that is something else, but even then we need help and compassion, not blame. The abuser gives out enough of that.
Objectively I am sorry for abusers, but they need to take resonsibility for their actions, that is the key/ Not blame us for being open to abuse.
First of all, I want you to know that it is great that you broke things off with XBF. My point was that you went from XH who was abusive to you and then with this XBF who was also abusive. Just wanted to gently nudge you in seeing those patterns. I am not saying it is your fault. Something for you to be more aware of and mindful of as people tend to attract the same things over and over until the lesson is learned and/or understood. When the lesson is learned, the issue stops or goes away.
Something for you to be more aware of and mindful of as people tend to attract the same things over and over until the lesson is learned and/or understood.
I wholeheartedly agree with this.
I think we work on stuff over and over until we work it through to completion.
Your hard work shows because you recognized your needs weren't getting met after a year and pushed yourself to ask for more. That's huge!!
The next relationship will be even better and he will be more deserving of your awesomeness.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Glad you have a great perspective on your relationships. It can be hard to come by, but always worth it right?
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I don't know why we find it so odd. I feel slightly ill after any contact, and I still can't figure out why, except to note that it happens to a lot of other people who have MLC divorce and not to anyone who has any other sort of divorce. I only do really well when he is right out of my life.
If anyone has any theories I would love to know why this is so. I do think it is something about them and not about us. In one sense my xh is just another person, but on another level I can't deal with him at all
I agree, I think it is harder with the MLCr divorce. Not that I have much experience otherwise, but from what I've seen and heard, it seems so. I suspect it's because of the lack of reconciliation. Reconciliation doesn't mean we get back together or even have a relationship of any kind with a MLCr. It just means that there is reconciliation and finality, vs. having to deal with the nuttiness and drama and so on. With an ex bf/gf, you get that (in most cases), and you get that with a divorce that doesn't include MLC. But you can't reason or talk to a person with MLC/disorders so you lose that reconciliation.
I know I feel drained and sometimes even speechless when it comes to dealing with my ex. It works better for me to just keep things short, business-like and to the point and to be aware that she and her husband will try to suck me into the drama. And yes, it used to be nauseating at times. Just time-consuming now, but still draining at times. I get it
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Great to hear from you! Sometimes I need a reminder of just how crazy making it is to deal with these MLCer's. I like to believe I live in a world of reality! But having to deal with XH is like going in and out of a nightmare at times!
I've detached, I've moved on, and I love my life with my girls! Aside from me having some physical problems now, we're doing really great! But I still get stuck in that anger phase towards him. And I get angry at myself for being angry!
I keep asking myself "how can I change my thinking so Im not so angry at him?" But just as you said, with this MLC, there is no reconciliation.... or I guess maybe another word for it would be closure?
In regards to the relationship I had/have with this man, its different. He's still wanting to reconcile. WE are talking. Our break up ended up in a nasty fight, and after I calmed down I realized that out of respect for him as a person and our relationship, I was willing to talk to him about things.
He wants to reconcile and keep trying. I however just don't see our relationship thriving unless he works on himself! I half way wonder if he's going through his own life crisis.
What drew me to this man is that he's given things to me that I never had in my marriage. The biggest one is emotional intimacy! My XH and I never had that. He accepted the love I wanted to give to him, where XH did nothing but reject it. He saw me for who I was and appreciated it. WE have so much in common, even in how our Ex's left us. WE have alot of fun together and enjoy alot of the same things. He's intelligent and we can have intelligent conversations. He likes animals, and my animals like him!
However.... that doesn't stop the fact that this man has HUGE anger issues and can have a mood swing and verbally throttle me when I can't even see it coming. He becomes completely irrational and accusatory, and can take my words and twist them in ways I can't think up. When he calms down and can tell me about the basis of his feeling, it all comes down to one thing. He feels rejected! The moment he feels rejected, he takes everything to another level. Then the projection of his anger on to me takes place and next thing you know we're fighting!
This is his issue he must fix and heal within himself. I didn't do anything wrong and I won't allow him to make me believe that it's my fault!
I guess in the thought of Law of Attraction, I do believe i attracted this man in my life for a few reasons.
*To feel loved again *To test how much I truly love myself *To resolve issues with my Xh and our marriage, through this relationship with him.
*To grasp what forgiveness is and experience unconditional love.
The synchronicity in our relationship with things in our past and even present are so amazing at times I don't know what to think.
I find that because he has severe issues, it doesn't make me love him less, but I completely accept that due to his issues our relationship with never thrive. It will be nothing but chaos, unless he really does the work and makes some changes.
