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Mr. Grumpface was back today. He was mad that I bought teacher gifts. Apparently I am the "only one" who does this. He was also retroactively mad for all the past teacher gifts I have given. I did not do a good job validating. I tried to explain why it was a nice thing to do. Pointless. He is always much meaner on days after he sees OW.

Also another random thought. . What is with the changes to eating habits. Right before BD we were experimenting with vegan cooking and eating vegetarian most of the time. Now he eats a fat steak almost every night (a ridiculous expense that we really can't afford) no veggies or sides just a giant hunk of meat and he eats like a caveman. Jabs the fork in and gnaw at it.

S has been going to therapy for the past month for behavior issues. These (tantrums, hitting me and dogs) have been going on for a while but have gotten worse in past year. The therapist has a bare bones idea of what is going on in our home. I have not yet told him that h is an alcoholic. I don't know what s sees or knows. Probably more than I think. My therapist said I have to tell dr. Hamster (that is what s calls his therapist) s does not verbalize feelings and that is one thing they are working on. She feels dr. Hamster could direct the conversation better with more details. But how much do I revel? Drinking and changes to h time with s - yes. Does he need to know about Ow? H irratic behavior? The crying I tried to hide from s months ago but wasn't successful?

And I know I shouldn't be embarrassed by any of this but part of me still is.

I say tell Dr. Hamster every dirty detail

1. it will help him treat your son

2. I bet it will make you feel better. You will start to see that you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Have you tried Alanon?

Arghhhh I am so angry and sad and I just want to scream and hit something. Things have been so calm lately I let myself start to hope things were turning around.

He twists everything. Everything. And I know this is nothing new but tonight it was just a slap in the face and tear my heart out.

S and I went to his therapist today. We talked about the situation in the house. (That is another post). Then I spent the rest of day with s and ss19. Thursday is one of the nights h sees OW but I actually thought that since his ss19 was there he would come home. Wrong.

When he does come home I ask if he would like to hear about s therapy. Obviously not what we talk about but the new impulse management techniques.
He listens and then says...

1. It is all bull
2. The therapist doesn't know s and his stupid techniques aren't going to work.
3. S doesn't have a problem I just don't know how to handle him and s never acts up with him.
4. He thinks I am lying about s being mean to dog.
5. The fact that I have to be on therapy and on crazy pills is proof I am not a good mother.
6. It is complete bull when 3 docs and a therapist say a child will act worse with parent they feel safest with.
7. He is terrified when s is alone with me. (I made the mistake of telling him s fell off the slide at playground. Obviously my fault. Would have never happened if h was tbere.)

I am listening to all this and trying to explain about therapy but when he said he doesn't trust ME alone with s I had to bring up the 2 times in the past month that he "fell asleep" while cooking and "slept" through smoke detectors going off. He admitted to it but said everything turned out fine. I said "what if I hadn't been here. " he said "oh let's hear it with your crazy what ifs?"

He is crazy right?

So at this point I am pretty sure he has been drinking and go out to his van aND find the cold 4 Loco. He sees me accuses me of snooping. And chants "full of sh!t" over and over lime a toddler.

Then he says "let's just be honest and this is the truth, we just aren't good together. "

And I really must be crazy because that is what made me run to my room so he wouldn't see me crying.

I am seeing an L on tues and I need to find out how to proceed if he really tries to, say s is, better off with him. S wull, not, be safe aline with him. Not the way he is now.

I will write more later but it's not you!!!

He is sick and crazy

It's not you, but him. You are trying to have logical and rational conversations w/this man and he's not getting it. I know you want to explain the therapy sessions, but he doesn't care or want to hear about them, so stop doing it unless he asks you about them. As for him not trusting you...it's projection at its finest. It's not you he doesn't trust, but himself.

The best thing you can do is keep the focus on you and your children and leave your h to his own mess. There's nothing you can do to fix him because you didn't break him. He has to be the one to hit his "bottom" and figure things out.

Protect yourself, your children and your finances/assets. If the conversations become heated, cut them short and walk away.

Again, it's not you.

Thank you Job and Brooklyn would love any more insight.

I guess I am having trouble finding the middle ground. I can go for weeks letting anything he says roll off my back. And I have clearly noticed patterns. He will be civil bordering on pleasant for days and then sees OW and bam. Also he claims I don't know him and there is definitely a lot I do not know about this new person but I can always tell when he is drinking and that drives him crazy. (Crazier)

When he talks about s and my parenting skills that is a huge trigger for me. Instinct kicks in before I can hit pause. I know I have to work some things out here.

Julia, your sitch sounds so much like mine.

Keep in mind, an alcoholic or depressed person finding comfort in a bottle and OW is going to do and say ANYTHING to maintain their current lifestyle...no matter how abusive it is to his/her family.

He will continue to hit well below the belt in order to justify HIS actions.

Sounds like getting some distance between this man and you and your son may be the ticket for you to gain some clarity. It's next to impossible to rise above this kind of verbal/emotional abuse--IMO. If you remain in the house, please consider Al-Anon in order to gather your support and build a solid wall of protection for you and your son.

I strongly believe self-confidence is the single most important quality our kids need in this crazy world. Alcoholic behavior like what you are describing erodes the confidence of everyone nearby. It's insidious and you often don't see the aftermath until you have some distance and time away from the abuser.

It's classic for the abuser to act the most venomous after doing something he/she feels guilty for (OW/Drinking).

Protect your heart and your son's.

Remember you can't believe anything he says and only half of what you see. After a while separated you can see this is true. I know. You may have not known him (who he is now) for a while. Accept this. Most want us to think that we know them. This helps him/her to continue in denial and live in their own secret lives. Let him know you don't know who he is. There's nothing wrong with that fact. He may not know who he is either. Being truthful is better than leading him down the path of self delusion. Don't participate on enabling him to continue on deceiving you. Start GALing and concentrate on you and family.

H called a little while ago. They have been at beach for 2 hours and s had a seizure. This always happens when I am at work and far away.

He is ok but he is away with his grandparents for next 9 days.

Deep breath ... don't let mommy panic take over.

Some things need to seriously change in my life.