Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again It's been a while, but things are improving

JL, I hope that all is well with you today. I was just reading your thread, and wondering what it was that made you think that your H is still seeing OW. Instinct, did someone see them out, or just the fact that he had a late meeting and you just don't trust him the way that you used to?

If the OW is still involved, you have to make the decision as to whether it is something that you will put up with or not.

You know that I know exactly how you feel. I am still there, and for me, H can't have a R with me while he is living with her. Not anything more than friends anyway. There is nothing like being dumped twice by your H.

You and I have been at this a long time. That damn rollercoaster!!

It's true that your H may need to see her to make a decision about the direction that he wants his life to take. He may also be having his cake and eating it too.

So.....perhaps you should read the chapter on infidelity again. Maybe it will give you some help in talking with him. You have to learn to trust him again, and he has to earn your trust. If he is lying to you again about her....well let's just say that I hope he can be honest with you so that you can decide which direction you want your life to take.

Take care of yourself and I am saying a little prayer for you.

DNO

Hi DNO and RS, thank you so much for responding. It helps to keep myself grounded. I didn't even need to call my C yesterday.

Alright, so call me a schmuck. I didn't say anything to him yesterday. He was just too da*n happy, I couldn't seem to bring myself to change it. I was a bit cool when he got here in the am, but was able to actually forget about it for a while in class.

When I got out of class I had a voicemail. It was H saying he was going out tool shopping and was wondering if I wanted to meet him and S8 for lunch after shopping. I called him back and couldn't seem to say no.

We actually had a pretty good time. He had to go back to work to get some things done for Monday, but told me that he's had a pretty good time and we've been getting along really well lately. He seems happy about that. These are the things he did for me while he was here:

1. He started my car to get it warmed up while I finished getting ready for class.

2. He cleared the snow out of the driveway.

3. He did all the dishes in the sink (and ran the dishwasher)

4. He called me to have lunch and shop with him and S8.

So, I can't really ignore the positves happening here just because my suspicion is peaked. I may still bring up the OW topic, just have to find a good time to do it.

DNO, this suspicion came after I spoke to one of the women that used to work for my H, and she is still in the same building as the OW. She said the information she's heard is pretty accurate. Not really sure what to believe. It's kind of like believing 3rd hand information. She's not getting the info from either the OW or my H directly. I know this woman cares alot for me and my H, we've known her for years. So, it's really hard to know what I should believe or not.

And to be honest, I don't really know what my intuition is telling me. Because he's been really connecting and much more happy recently makes me want to think it's because of being with me, and not that he's figured out how to live 2 separate lives successfully.

Anyway, he's supposed to be here again today. The boys have an awards banquet for Scouts this afternoon. We'll see what today brings.

I do feel a bit better, but the doubt is still there.

After 2 1/2 years, this rollercoaster is getting a bit old! Love sure does make us do strange things!

Any more wise words of wisdom would be great!

JL

Wanted to post an update to any lurkers who have kept up with me and for those of you wonderful people who do respond!

Since my last post I have stayed away from any talk about the OW. Still do not truly know whether she is in the picture or not. The suspicious part of me says "who knows?". The optimist in me says that he isn't.

We are still going forward in putting the house up for sale the end of this month, beginning of April. It all depends how far I can get to get this place cleaned up and cleared out. I'm trying to pack away as much of the clutter as possible to make it look bigger than it is.

H seems to be in absolute agreement about doing this. Still not quite sure about what he is going to do about moving back in with us. Although a couple of weeks ago, S11 asked him about whether he was going to move with us to the new house and H told him yes! I was floored! Of course the kids were thrilled! Now S8 asks him all the time when he's coming back. Of course H has back tracked a bit saying he's not sure when.

We had a pretty good conversation last night while he was here about what's going on in his head. He's afraid, doesn't want it to go back to what it was, but also admitted that he sees alot of changes in me and seems to know I won't let it go back to what it was. At least I'm going to work really hard at it.

I asked him if there was something he was waiting for before he could come and stay. He said no. He also seems to understand my fear and my mistrust. But we seem to be getting along better and better. We also talked about the expectations of one another and I told him that I hoped he didn't think that things were going to be "on" all the time. That life does get mundane at times, and that I'm not going to entertain him at all times. He seemed to understand this too.

We have also had a couple of sleepovers . Wow, it is like falling off a bike, you do remember how!!

So, things are good so far and seem to be getting better. I'm getting excited about moving to a bigger house. And getting this semester over. I'm so sick of math I could just scream! After this semester I only have one year left to get my Assoicate degree!! yeah for me! Then its on to try for my Bachelors.

It's great to have my own life and know that I do not have to live it thru my H. It's nice to know that I can take care of myself and know that no matter what, I will survive with or without my H (or any man for that matter).

Sad news came last week. My ex-fil died last Tues. morning. He's been sick since last fall, just after they moved back up from FL. He had bypass surgery, had to begin dialysis (which was going to be lifelong) and several other things going on. His body just didn't want to heal well. Then they took him in with low blood sugar (it was at 7, and was still concious) but then a couple days later went into cardiac arrest. The drs. brought him back, but with much brain damage. They gave him only 5% chance of recovery. So, the family decided to let him go. And with typical character for him, he went 12 hours later, on his own time and his own terms. He was only 58.

We had had our differences but we still cared about one another even after his son and I divorced. I went, along with my Mom to see my Ex, his wife and his Mom (who is also living with them). Offered my support and any help they needed. Also went to the memorial service on Thur to say my goodbyes.

My H couldn't seem to understand why I wanted to do these things. I told him I just needed to do it. That I didn't expect him to understand, but to at least support my decision. And felt I did the right things. If my H doesn't like it, to bad. They were a big part of my life for a long time, and it's taken a long time to heal the hurt I caused when I left. I was even able to apologise to my ex-sil for hurting her when I left. I never spoke to her after I left and needed to say it. Even if it never changes anything, at least I feel better.

Anyway, my S11 is going to miss his Grandpa, but we've continued to talk about his death and our thoughts of where he is now, etc. It seems to help him to work thru this and deal with it. He's done well. I'm very proud of him.

Well, if you've made it this far, thanks for reading! I guess if I updated a bit more often I wouldn't have such long posts!

Anyway, I continue to move forward in my life and look forward to what it will bring me next...

Any and all suggestions, comments, etc are always welcome!

JL

Hi everyone. I need to get some feedback on a conversation (or should I say disagreement?) I had with my ExH last night.

When he came to get S11 last night he said he wanted to talk about my move. That he has some "concerns" about us moving. Check out the past couple of posts about our move.

I'll try to give you a picture of how this sitch is right now. I live in Town A. Ex lives in Town B, which is about 14 miles North of me. He works in Town C which is 35 miles South of me, and is about 50 miles from his house. I will be moving within about 5-10 miles from where he works. Make sense?

As it stands now, he only has to drive about a 1/2 mile out of his way to get S11 on Fridays. I have to pick him up on Sundays and I have to drive the 28 miles round trip. By moving closer to where he works, he still wouldn't have to go far out of his way to pick him up and I'm increasing my drive to get him on Sundays. And he has a problem?

ExH said that he thinks he will have a harder time going to school functions and other activities that he MAY be in. How many school functions does he think there is in a school year? He doesn't make all of them now.

I think some of this is coming from the fact that his father just died last week and maybe feeling like he wants to have a better R with his son than he had with his own dad. I have been telling him that I will work with him on making sure he doesn't miss out, that we just have to work harder at planning ahead and making sure holidays and school functions are known about as far in advance as possible. He even has a school year schedule and I still have to remind him about his visitation times.

I am being blamed for him having to move around so that he can stay close to his son.

To give you a bit of background about our D. I left him, and moved back to our home state (where all my family still lived) 1500 miles away from where we were living. He moved back here after S11 was born (I was only 2 mos. pregnant when we split). There is nothing in our D decree that says I can't live wherever I want. We have been divorced for 10 years.

Does he actually think that I'm going to say to him, "Ex, I'm sorry that I'm inconveniencing you and your life, I guess I just won't move" ?? What does he expect me to say?

I would like to know your opinions of this, or if you need more clarification about anything.

When I first talked to him about this move, I listed all the reasons for our moving, although I know I didn't have to tell him anything. I have told him that I understood his concerns and tried to reassure him of working it all out. But it doesn't seem to make any difference.

What now?

JL

Jl, ive just read through all your posts to get a feel of your sitch, and i think you are AMAZING!!!

How have you done this for 2 YEARS????
And you sat you arnt patient??

If ever anyone deserves to reconcile with a w.a.s, its you! It has obviously paid off, sounds like your h. is reconnecting, and so he should! Who would want to lose someone as devoted to saving the marriage as you.

I really do admire you. Im a very impatient, volitile, passionate person, (as my posts show!!!! ) and cant imagine living on my nerves for 2 years! How do you do that???

Yours WILL be a story with a happy ending, im sure of that.

Dont forget that old saying-

"slowly slowly, catchee monkey"!!!

And if you dont, then he really is a big ape!

mea

Since I hardly post much any more, I do try to update my thread once in a while, just in case anyone keeps track!

First, I want to say since the conversation I had with my Ex, he has not said one more word about me moving. And I'm guessing that he most probably won't. He was here yesterday to pick up S11 for the weekend and I'm sure saw the lockbox on the front door. He said barely 3 words to me then left. Not even to figure out when I can get S11 on Sunday for Mother's Day. Oh well, I certainly don't lose sleep about him.

As for my R with my H, things are getting better and better. In fact, he has started talking about coming home! That conversation first started 2-3 weeks ago, with him starting it! Although nothing has happened since then, both of us have been sooooo busy, it doesn't really bother me. Yeah, it would be nice to have him home, but I know it will happen in time. The other change is that I'm getting flowers for holidays like Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, etc! I just had flowers delivered today even tho he's away on business for a few days. He seems to be thinking ahead again, instead of living only in that moment.

I finally got MY OWN LIFE!! I am not living thru him anymore, expecting him to keep me connected to the "outside world". I do that on my own now. I think that is the key to reconciling. He has to check with me to see if I'm going to be around. He steps up to help with watching the kids when I have stuff going on, no matter what it is.

Those feelings of panic and despair are long gone. No more guilt about things I would feel guilty about. I can take care of myself, and am working on caring for myself financially too. I have another year until I graduate with my Associate degree, then its on to a Bachelor's degree. And have found something I can do at home that makes me a small amount of my own money. Yea!

We just listed the house for sale a couple of days ago, and the sign just went up today. We'll see how it goes. H is all for the move, although he called me yesterday saying if the meeting he was about to go into didn't go well he was handing in his notice. He wondered if we should wait to list the house. He called later, said the meeting went well enough so he didn't resign. Whew! But I see it happening if things don't change for him soon. He has never been one to complain about his job, if fact he loves what he does, but the crap going on, has been going on for months and he's finally getting fed up.

All I can do is support whatever decision he makes and go from there. That is his life and he needs to do whatever he needs to make himself happy. I'm there to help, a shoulder to lean on, someone to vent to. Much better than what it has been in the recent past.

Life is what you make of it, why not enjoy it as much as possible? I've been at this longer than many, and it took me a long time to find this attitude. But it is totally worth it. And even if H decided tomorrow that he couldn't be with me, I know I would still be ok. Hurt and broken-hearted, but I'd survive and then eventually thrive. Because I've built my own life, with or without him.