Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Possilble WAW

Dawgy,
You are getting the Lion's share of advice as the lot of us are swooping in to help you. I am in your sitch. I am just packing our rental house now...she goes to her parents with kids, I go to my bachelor friends place as a new roomie...fourteen years married. Told her parents and our kids these past two weeks. Completely devastating but my WAW is feeling the effects of my DBing. I am 180ing and she is noticing. Stopped pursuing her and being an unattractive needy H. Acted "as if" (DB principle!) I was going on with my life and was pretty happy and had confidence I could live without her. She is looking at me different....confidence is making me a bit more appealing and confusing her. Being mysterious is starting to work...but its only been three months...some veterans here say its eighteen months...there is no number but persistence. I should be freaking out now. both our WAW are leaving us about the same time.
But I am 4C...cool, calm, collected, confident (ok the 5th C is cry like a baby...which i do away from her but then pull it together) I know she needs to miss me and work on her stuff.Everything in me wants to smother her with kisses and hold on to her for dear life.... but gotta stick with db plan.
Say this mantra when you are losing it over her:
"I don't have time for this (anxiety, pining over her) I have work to do. Let go Let go Let go -detach"
If I can do it you can. Get to work and make yourself the kind of man your wife would never wanna leave. Be strong

Thx to everybody for chiming in here . im suffering alot and im trying my best . Goatgal is spot on with my emotions controlling me , but i dont have to tell you guys whats thats like . GALing is proving to be difficult because i seem to have the kids on all of my free time . Does spending alot of time with my sons equate to getting a life . because when i do she is left alone with her thought s and lots of time to go with other men .Rayzzz im sorry about your position too. it seems like you have a better handle on things but remember Im also dealing with her affair . Speaking of her affair , ive detached myself so much in the last two weeks i dont even know what the status is of the affair ( wether they are slipping or getting closer or planning any moves , I have no idea what the current sitch is ) which is probably healthier for me not to know . But i feel vulnerable when I dont know whats going on .

Not knowing what is going on in the A is for the best. If you truly DB keep that statistic in your head that these A's don't last, so concentrate on the important things for you and the kids in the long run. What is going on in the A is none of your doings and is best left that way so S doesn't project that you were intruding and trying to spy, etc. Believe me, keeping this part of the M, quiet is for the best. When you're supposed to know it'll happen and you'll deal with the information at the time. Don't push getting in the know. It only drives you crazy. We've all been there.

I was feeling pretty down in the last hour or so then Owl777 posted and bam I feel relief . Whats up with that ? Just a little note from someone makes me feel much more optimistic .I get a real
sense of community here which feels good . Thx all for posting .

Me 45 Her 44
S15 S13
M 22years together 27
A discovered 03/17/14

Spending time with your boys is critical. Be the best dad. Be the best H. If you need to get a sitter so you can go out for an evening for a break then do so. Or if you can arrange for your W to watch the boys while you go out for the evening that could work too. Just don't give her too much info where you're going. A bit of mystery works well. Her curiosity is your ally.
When you start thinking about the OM, stop. Think about other things in your life that aren't in turmoil. Get a PMA.
Did you find a copy of DR?

Dawgy,

I'm glad you see that as long as you're at the mercy of your emotions and your thoughts, you're going to struggle more than you need to.

Everyone says "DETACH!" "GAL!" and it is SO HARD to do this.

Detaching in particular is tough. How can you just separate your emotions from the most important person in your life who is doing things you can't understand and which are so hurtful to you?

It's a challenge, and you can do it. But it's going to take practice and trial and error.

You've got to find what works for you... then practice makes perfect.

I struggle every day. I used to have these running dialogues with myself--out loud--and still do on occasion just to vent, but now I put a time limit on it, 5 minutes max.

Any more than that and I start to feel the physical effects of those negative, worrisome thoughts on my body. And that's NOT good. It will make you SICK.

But now every time I catch myself thinking about him, (usually a case of the "What IFS"), I become conscious that he is TAKING UP VALUABLE REAL ESTATE IN MY HEAD!

He lost that desirable property when he betrayed me, and did all the other things that led to him not living here.
I don't want to give him one more square inch of my precious brain plot to waste on his craziness.
It's a waste of time, but more importantly, it's a waste of valuable energy I could be applying to MYSELF and getting myself through this with style, grace, integrity, and in good mental and emotional health.

THAT is my focus right now. My well-being, and the well-being of my pets, my friends, my family.
Him? Not so much.

He wants to be "on his own"?
So on his own he is.
And on his own he will stay until he decides to make the changes needed to be a bigger part of my life than a (not-so-great) handyman.

I think the key to detaching is changing your thoughts about the situation and working to calm your body...

I can tell you that the last few bad blow-ups we had, and the emotional strain on my end, came directly from snooping and reading into things which were incorrect. I stressed myself out and lost important DBing ground by reacting to what was basically, nothing worth getting upset about.

Now, let's face it. They're going to do things that upset us. A LOT. That's when it's hard.

If you can do nothing else, just walk away. Don't respond. Wait until you feel calm to get back to her. Don't engage unless and until you feel under control and confident.

Many times when my H was here, I basically hid in the house rather than run into him working outside. I knew I was upset and couldn't control how I'd come across. I wear my heart on my sleeve, he'd see it, and it would be a turn off.

I still can only do short bursts of contact. Usually he says or does something that causes my heart rate to speed up, and that's my clue that I need to scoot... very cheerily...friendly---'Ooops! I forgot I've got something on the stove...see ya! "

It takes time.

You can do it.

If you need to vent, do it here, or in a private journal. Get it out... just not with her.

Don't do what I did. Don't: Engage in Texting Terrorism, try to show her the error of her ways, try to reason with her, guilt her, show her your pain, show her how her version of reality is RIDICULOUS, try to get her "help", try to be her pal (doormat), engage in ANY conversations about the relationship, except those absolutely required about children, etc.

Let HER make the first move to change things, move out, file for divorce, whatever. It's HER decision, let HER do the work.

You validate her feelings, saying "I understand that (Blank) is what you feel you need to do." and then STFU.

I think they're going 100% on emotions, not reason. You can't reason with emotions, especially if they're based on faulty reasoning!


So think of her as someone who is basing her actions on bad information, yet she is unable to embrace accurate information at this point. It is not going to happen.

You just have to watch her make her own mistakes. Anything coming from you will automatically be discounted. Trust me. You can't win.

Agree with her feelings, listen. Listen. Listen more.

Probably at this point, the less time you spend with her the better, until you get yourself on an even keel.

Keep posting!

---GG

GoatGal is right about not being able to reason with a WAW in an A.

Here's an excerpt from Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman which I found extremely illuminating:
"The emotional mind takes its beliefs to be absolutely true, and so discounts any evidence to the contrary... ... Feelings are self-justifying, with a set of perceptions and 'proofs' all their own."
So you cannot reason with someone who is emotionally bound in and A.

Work on yourself. Let the A take its own course. It will wither.


As for detachment, here's how to do it:
First go to: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Copy this article into your word processor and edit it, taking out any words that don't apply to your situation, and replacing the words "person" with the name of your wife.

Also change the sentences so that instead of it saying "you cannot change or control a person" it should read "I cannot change or control W".

Read it through so that it makes sense and is stated in the first person.

Print it out, and read it several times a day until you internalize all the concepts.

Pay special attention to step 3.
In the section titled: What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?
Follow each sentence with the replacement concept.
For example the first sentence: If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you? should first of all be rewritten as: If I should stop being involved, what will she do without me?
Then follow it with the rational replacement such as: If I stop being involved she will be fine without me - she was fine without me before we met, and she will be fine without me now.

This exercise takes time and thought but it will yield you a plan to detach from the situation.

Read and reread DR.

Get sleep. Stay health. Exercise 3 times a week. Always be well groomed and well dressed. Walk with your head up, a smile on your face and whistle while you work. It all seems so counterintuitive, but it works.

And don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does.

Peter, that is brilliant! I'm all over this one!

Things are so weird here its hard to handle . I went out last night and didnt come home till about midnight . She was haome alone the whole time > the bouys were at a friends house for the night . Of course i know she is texting the whole time im gone but i try to put it out of my head > So i go to bed and climb in with her and the usual keep blankets between us wasnt happening . She kept rolling over and layin up against me leg laying over me , a fair bit of contact . I wanted to make the move but I was affraid of rejection . This morning things were pretty good but she was going shopping for a few hrs . I goofed up and asked if i could go and she said no . So i automatically assume shes going to meet with him . And now i m very uptight thinking shes with him now . Sandi s rules are the toughest thing ive ever done in my life . not sure why we re still sleeping together or why the body contact. I wonder if the A is easing up . I know , I shouldnt even be thinking about it > Still dont have a copy of DR

Dawgy,

Seems like from your post your GAL went well . Don't initiate anything though, and don't ask to go along with her like you did this morning. But good job for recognizing that was a mistake.

You need to give her space at this time. Also, much of your pain right now is caused by the unknown, and your mindreading. You don't know where she is, what she is doing, or what she is thinking. We all wonder and think we do know, and we may even be right, but it's unproductive and affects our DB ability

Keep focusing on yourself, and be mysteriously detached.

Good luck

Devaste