Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Wife in MLC and getting ready to leave #5

Thanks CB and Heather,
I guess it's just hard to understand how simply doing something that I would do for anyone that was in a similar position and needed my help I would do for them, could be seen by my W has so "wrong" or challenging her independence. Of course I don't understand anything she thinks or does. It's gotten worse as she has sped her flight from her M a few weeks ago. I don't trust that she has any values left that she had before. While I don't think she wants to do anything to hurt me, I don't think she cares about anything but getting what she wants at any given moment or who may get hurt for her to get it.

I think she is scared of losing her father before she can feel like he really does love her the way she's always wanted him to. I think she is afraid of running out if time in her own life before she grows old. I really don't like the person she has become. She's a taker and puts herself and her own desires before even her D's best interests. It's like she resents that she sacrificed so much over the last 18 years and just wants what she thinks will make her happy.

I just need to keep my focus on me. My D's b-day is tomorrow and see's away. She will be 19. First b-day I've ever missed with her. By the time she gets back her mom will probably be moved out. Need to make sure everything is comfortable when she gets home.

Got half my money today and it feels good to have it available. Need to keep working toward keeping that going!

Matt, you explain your wife like my H to a T! It amazes me so much how they just put themselves and their wants before anyone, even if it hurts them. Our children are so innocent in all of this. It just kills me. We have to remain the rock for our children, be the example and help them through this. You sound like a wonderful person and a wonderful father. Keep it up, don't let your W's immature and selfish behavior change who you are. It's her loss in such a big way!

Amen.

They are the only thing that matters....they don't care who gets hurt. (Even the kids)

When my sitch started, my youngest was 16. XW wanted him to live with her. When S16 said he wanted to stay with me in the home, she simply told him: "I don't give a f*ck what you want."

Sad.

Tad

Thanks for the kind words m!
Bad day today. Of course my W picks our D's birthday to do it, she is moving into "her" new place. If she hadn't done this, now that things are picking up for me at my new company, we could have sent our D14 to the school we wanted, paid for D19's college and still been able to save enough to get the new, bigger house she wants so badly. Of course she can't wait or work towards what she wants. She must have it NOW.

She is just taking things that don't belong to her. Last night she said the silverware her GM gave us as a wedding present belong to her. Yes, it was for our wedding but she says she really wanted HER to have it, not us! What crap. Also, wouldn't hold up in D court but she wants it so it must belong to her. We have replaced many lost pieces over the years that was bought with OUR money (and I was the one working while she didn't for a large majority of that time).

Just a really bad, bad day all around. It really is the end of our 25 years together and she has no regrets or 2nd thoughts.

Tad, did your exW talk like that before b-day? Did she use that kind of language before her MLC? Was she a good, caring mother? Just wondering how big a change she went through. Thanks.

Matt, Could you and D19 and D14 go do something without W? Maybe just go get ice cream or a movie?? D19 will remember that one parent tried to make the day special. Put her first today and try to keep the drama, on your part, nil.

One more thing...I know how hard this. I know you are in a lot of pain. It's time to put your SuperHero Cape on for your girls. Your W is cra cra right now. Just for today, put all your hurt aside and do whatever you need in order to make this day OK for the girls. Relatively speaking. :-)

Hey Matt. Heather is right - focus on the day and making it a positive one between you and the girls. Let the rest go.

If it helps That's part of it, Matt. My ex moved the first time on mother's day when my kids were 11 and 13. Said something about wanting to live on her own etc. I've been lied to many times so far I learned to let things go, Matt. You'll need to do the same. The things she wants? Saves you from having to see them and be reminded. Let her have them.

If you don't, it becomes a kind of competition that keeps you locked in this spiral for a very long time. Trust me, everything is replaceable. Except time with the kids. You can't get that back. Everything else can be replaced with better/nicer things that aren't related to the time you were married to the bat sh** crazy woman.

In the end Matt, you have the relationship with the girls. They'll want one with their mother and you don't want to get in the middle of that. The rest of it is just *things*.

Help her pack Matt and only focus on the important things you need or really really want. I helped mine and I'm very glad I did.

Epilogue. My ex just won't quite go away. She tries to harass, harangue, or otherwise tries to poke me from time to time. Seems when she gets stressed to happen more. We're at a point where she has to try and get others to do it, because she can't get traction with me. That started early on with rage and anger she took out on me and God (long story). I put a stop to that a long time ago. But she tries. Her H (om) tries for her now. It's kind of comical really. When she left, I let her take what she wanted except for a few items for the kids rooms and a dining room table (empty rooms look weird.) That includes keepsakes etc. She had free reign and I helped her pack. Recently, she tried to harass over the course of a month, got her H to join in (side note - I wish they had better command of the English language; they're both very well educated ). She followed that up asking for pictures from some albums she left behind. It was weird, but not uncommon for her in recent years.

Know what? It's been 7 years. If not for the way she went about it, I wouldn't have minded in the least. They are just things from the past that collect dust. I don't really mind as it is, but I just ignored the request as it came after the harassment. Kind of like a kid who knows they've gone too far with a parent and wants to be the good kid again. But it can seem like, "I'm not the one that left, why should I give up the things that are mine?" That's how I used to think, Matt. I suspect you do right now as well.

My point? All these years later, and it hasn't ended. If I'd been so attached to the things, I'd have gone nuts with her asinine tactics. I'd have fallen for the mean/nasty then nice approach and then been upset I did.

Let the unimportant things go, Matt. There will be time to deal with them later when there's less emotion around it (for you) and you can make a decision that you don't have to explain to anyone. If you don't, you'll still be stuck in the dynamic with her for the rest of your life, and I don't wish that on you.

You can't reason with a fool. You can't talk to a crazy person. And you can't stay focused on the nuttiness if you're going to grow and be the man you need to be in this life.

And know this. All days, like beer are good. Some are just better than others. How you view things is just your perspective. Basically, things happen whether you like them or not. But you determine how you view them. Stop thinking they are bad or good, my friend. Start thinking about what you can do for your day that makes your life worth living and understand each day is just a gift for you to explore and improve yourself. You won't get the days back

AJ

Matt,

What you find one way your wife finds it exactly opposite. I said it before and many people have., Welcome to MLC.

Create some new memories with your daughters. Keep moving forward with your life. Understand that your wife won't be happy, she views life as a destination, ie, when I get my new apartment, when I get closer to my dad, etc, etc. This life is a journey, always has been and always will be. Be happy during the journey, it will make all the difference.

And don't think I just say these words to you......Just yesterday and this AM I created new memories with my daughter. one was a golf outing she came and helped me work(she got to drive the cart) and she just got her permit and I took her driving this AM. All great stuff if you make it so.

Focus on your journey now Matt.

Mirage

The day my Dad moved out was the day before cheerleading tryouts. I had worked my A$$ off for these tryouts.

I came home from school and my dad had removed everything from his closet and left. I was the first one home to see he was gone. I think I was the one to call my mom and tell her the closet was empty. I remember the feeling.

My mom gathered her friends and she sat on the couch crying while I practiced my cheers in front of everyone.

My point is...the kids often get lost in our pain. It's so easy when you are feeling this enormous hurt to not have anything left for your kids who are hurting too.

Cheerleading was important to me on that day, but it was overshadowed by my Dad's insanity.

Your W is crazy right now. Dwelling on it won't change it. I wish I had pushed my feelings aside and been braver for my girls now that I look back.

Just pick some small, manageable things you can with your girls this weekend where the focus in on them completely. COMPLETELY. Let them guide the conversation. If they don't want to discuss W, then let it be. This will remind them how valuable they are to you.

Hey Matt. My XW moved out on S16's BIRTHDAY...right before Christmas. See? They really care about nothing but themselves. It's real.



She would use that language every once in a while, but not that often. After the bomb, it was all the time. Funny thing is, after she moved, she told the boys: "I don't talk like that anymore." Well guess what? She still does. She is a mess and so is your W.

Good caring mother? Absolutely. The best. I bragged about her all the time and admired the mother that she was.

The change?

Enormous. Not the same person at all.

Take care.

Tad