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Grey,

I know you're trying hard to find the magic bullet, but I don't think it's there.
I appreciate all your efforts, the reminders, the lobster tails... but face it, it ain't working, is it?
Time for a new approach.


I'm the same way.

" Tell me what to do to "fix this"!!!"

I'm going to tell you as someone who has been beating my head against the wall, that the way we feel we should go about it is all wrong.

I think this is something that is going to take time and some understanding on your part, not to mention, patience.


I still feel like I'm hearing how you're doing everything "right" and things haven't changed fast enough for you.

You have to be patient and create an atmosphere of trust for her to talk to you about what she's going through.
Your statements are still: "I'm doing this, that, and the other thing. When is she going to change?"

Maybe stop "doing" for awhile. Let her take over for a bit.
I strongly suspect there is something going on with her that she is afraid to share with you because she knows this is SO IMPORTANT to you.

Focus on that thought and try to let the rest go.
Don't try and pry it out of her either.
Don't try and "nice" it out of her, hoping if you "do" this or that she'll be ready and willing to come out with it.



Just--BE.
Enjoy her. Do things together that in no way are related to ML.
If you "do" anything, put the focus on letting her know that you love her NO MATTER WHAT.
That she can talk to you about anything, anytime, and that you love her enough not to judge anything she has to say.
That you want to know what she's going through because you LOVE HER.

That you're willing to work through any and all issues to find a way for both of you to be happy, however you can find a middle ground, because being together is the most important thing.

And, if you can swing this one and really mean it:
Promise her that you will love her no matter what, and that you will NOT LEAVE HER.
Right now I have the distinct impression that you will dump her if things don't improve quickly, and I'm not married to you.
How do you think she feels?

Let it go for now.
Let her set the pace with this.
Not forever, just for now.

(And by "for now", I mean at least a week--or five--with NO discussion or "trying" on your part. At the very least.)

Meanwhile, she gave you a BIG CLUE last night.
SHE would like it in the afternoon after the pool.
And what do you make of that?

Who sets the where/when/how traditionally?

Meanwhile, what does this mean? "I have been doing more of the "staring" thing with her" ?

----GG

DISCLAIMER: This post is not a substitute for the wisdom of the DB Veterans who have been giving great advice for years.
I'm just a woman of your wife's age who has dealt with some of the same issues. Maybe I'm totally off base. It's happened before.

Grey:
"She has an appointment with her doctor on the 20th, not sure what it's about."


CLUE.

Just wait. And love her with all your heart.

PS: Your wife had CANCER. She has fears about things you will never know.
Stop thinking about your needs and try--really hard--to put yourself in her shoes.

You'll be a better man for it and she will love you even more.

Keep us posted.

--GG

Y'all are awesome. Thanks for the tips!

Well, my W saw her doctor last week.

He put her on Cymbalta. If I thought she had no sex drive before, I didn't think it could get any worse, but here I am. Zero.

Maybe I should get Cymbalta instead? Start sneaking my W's pills and hope it makes me not want to have physical intimacy anymore.

So now how many more months should I wait before talking about it again without any sex?

Re-read that post.

Maybe you're done.

Grey,

Uh, you kind of got an answer here. Your W was prescribed Cymbalta for depression. One of the most common side effect of anti depressants is low libido.

That being said, it sounds like she is taking her depression seriously. This little birdie would recommend you treading lightly and asking appropriately what she feels is causing her depression.

And I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm gonna come out waving my hands above my head so you know I'm serious about this elephant in the room. Your W is my age, along with Goat Gal, 25 and Bug. We're all telling you we feel differently about the 50 thing. I'd like you to accept this as a truth for your W too.

I'm not saying that you don't have just cause to get to the root of things. She owes you that much. But marriage is about compromise. And what's not shared here is how that is done behind the scenes. I said it before and I'll say it again: the devil is in *those* details.

I truly wish you well navigating these waters. I would hope that she would open up to you. But Bug may have some sort of insight here that you might want to explore more too. Something isn't well with her...

And just so you know how committed I am to moving through this stage of life better, I put myself back in IC as well. I'm not even entirely sure what the cause is, but I'm willing to go a little deeper and find out. I'm just glad I'm not married or in a R right now so I can get moving on the solution.

Good luck-
Betsey

Which post? The one about Cymbalta? I think it's weird----my W asked her doctor about "losing her mojo" and he put her on Cymbalta, known for reducing libido. And it seems to have had an instant effect, per my W.

Look, I'm not talking about it with her, we aren't fighting or debating about it, I frankly don't know what to say and in the meantime I'm just being loving and cool and fun and sweet and letting her go to bed an hour early and I'm terrified of bringing it up, I don't really know what to say, I miss having any kind of physical relationships, instead I feel like I've been replaced by my dogs who have more physical connection with her (they lay in bed with her as she passes out and she pets them).

I know the standard is to say something else is wrong and I need to find that in me. I don't know how to convince anyone that's probably not the case at all, so humor me for the sake of the argument that the only thing missing in our M is sex. We're happy. She's happy. She doesn't feel "normal" I think is why she got on Cymbalta, but you'd never know from what she says or how she acts, including with me. It's hard to explain. She just has no sex drive like she did before she met me and was with other men. Meanwhile, I've shaved more often than ever before, I listen, we've grown closer, there's no doubt about that-----the only thing missing really does seem to be sex.

And it [censored]. Sorry. Maybe that makes me selfish. I want to have sex with my wife, only there's nothing I can do about it. At home, I don't bring it up. I don't hit on her, yet we still kiss and hug and everything we want that's just not sex. I'm sad now-------it feels like that part of our life isn't just gone but further away rather than closer thanks to her asking the doctor about it in the first place.

Well, I assume she asked him, she said she did, but who knows, she didn't talk much about it except to say he put her on Cymbalta, which also helps with her diabetic neuropathy from the cancer and stuff, plus it puts her out every night like a light earlier than ever. Our bed is no longer a place for ML, it's a place for her to cuddle dogs and pass out. I don't like it.

Grey,

With all due respect:



Uh, no she's not. I truly think this is delusional thinking. A happy person is not prescribed Cymbalta. Cymbalta is used to treat severe depression. There are other meds that could be used to treat not feeling normal. We've all been trying to get you to see that your W is seriously depressed. I have a lot of friends on ADs who just need a little help, and they are mostly on Zoloft and Paxil. She isn't taking this Rx so she can avoid having sex...

It's not about the sex for her, buddy. She's trying to survive here. Maybe Bug is right that you can't go through this with her?

I don't think I'd be allowed to say it's not depression, but I'm going to say it. I think her doctor just didn't know what to do and gave her that to see if it would help. Frnakly, I don't think she's depressed, not just because of how she acts but because she said it herself.

But who wants to contradict a doctor?

So I don't know.

Besides, the Cymbalta is also supposed to help with her diabetic neuropathy (her bad foot pain post-cancer) and it makes her go to sleep in seconds. She's already on pills for the neuropathy, but they didn't make her pass out.

It sounds like the consensus is that my marriage is going to be a clinical sex-starved marriage and I simply have to deal with it. I don't think I can. I have, for a long time now, better than most men and women I've been reading about and talking to here, but it doesn't sound like it can make a difference. My wife is 50. There should be a chapter on that then, something that says eventually sex drive dies and if you have to deal with it because you're the partner that wants to have sex with the one person who you promised everything to, tough.

It just [censored]. I hoped for good news. Cymbalta isn't helping either one of us. "oh, but you have to wait 12 weeks before you quit."

Great.

I don't know what to do. I mean, I can't just say to myself, "stop wanting to have sex with your wife." Even if I could, why would I want to? Sex is good for you. And I like it. And I'm relentlessly attracted to my wife. But now I just have to keep being happy to reach the end of a long road just because she's not 49 anymore? Sorry, I hear you, and it [censored] because it sounds like there's no hope at all and that's hard to deal with.

I've been through depression, clinical, when I decided I didn't want to be a doctor anymore.

I get that it's not ok for me to say it's not depression. So I'm stuck, right? Her doctor gave her Cymbalta, so no matter what she or I says, I'm the a-hole and she's trying not to kill herself? Sorry, I don't buy it, I think her doctor didn't know what else to do and thought it was worth the risk. But I can't ask. No. I know that, of course.