Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers KGirl - post-move

labug - thank you. This is something I need to put some serious brainstorming time into. I realized when I read The Happiness Trap that my leisure/civic/volunteering-type areas of my life were pretty bare. I need to do some analysis of where I spend my time and figure out where it goes, because my first thoughts when thinking about getting involved in something new are "I don't have time!" It seems like after working 40+ hours a week, spending an hour on the bus each day, making and eating dinner, working out 4-5 times a week, and doing very basic household chores, it's time to go to bed already. And I mean VERY basic household chores. I am not one of those people that has a regular schedule for doing things. In fact, my cleaning habits are pretty bad. Things like toilets, floors, sheets usually only get washed when they are visibly dirty, instead of "time for the weekly cleaning of X!" I do want to try and be better at that but... where does the time go?! I feel like I don't even have space to do stuff like that, much less fun things or new ongoing hobbies.

Some things I want to learn/do that I have been pondering so far:
-get my bike fixed up so I can actually ride it for exercise and for errands close by.
-learn more about container gardening and household plants (that's something I could do a class in!). I did a class on flower arranging but that gets kinda pricey if you don't have access to a cheap source. My house had a pretty extensive garden that I was just starting to think about what to do with, since we only had one growing season there to see what it all looked like.
-finish a scarf I had started crocheting years ago and never finished
-some less fun goals: get into a solid gym routine, get into a better cleaning/organizing routine, identify more recipes/meals for one or that I can freeze for leftovers later.

Speaking of, it's funny that even though my chores standards were so low, my H still thought that I was too naggy about them and that there was too much to do. We made a schedule where we each did dishes every other day (he did the pots/pans, I did the smaller things like knives, measuring spoons, etc.) and he still felt like that was too much and that he should just be able to do them "when he felt like it" (which was often a week after the dishes were actually used.) I told him many times I was fine with just doing the dishes myself since I was the one who didn't want them to sit out, but I wasn't allowed to do the pots and pans because he didn't like how I washed them.. but then he still wouldn't do them regularly. I don't think I have overly high expectations, but maybe my expectations were too high for him.

I have been struggling with my family over this situation, particularly my mom. I was never particularly close to my family and I think H really took over their spot in my life in terms of support and someone to do things with, so now without him around I've tried to reconnect with them, but I don't think it's helping me or bringing anything positive into my life. My mom called me yesterday and our conversation went like this:
Mom: So what are you up to these next couple of weeks? I might visit sometime.
Me: Well, I'm going on a trip at the end of the month.
mom: Oh really? Where?
Me: Las Vegas!
Mom: Who are you going with?
Me: Just myself.
Mom: Oh.. well what fun is that?
Me: There are a lot of things to do there that don't require other people... shows, pools, gambling...
Mom: Well, OK, I guess. So I guess that means you are doing fine money-wise and don't need any from me?
Me: Yes, I'm fine, I've been saving a lot since this all started since I didn't know what might be happening.
Mom: OK, I guess I won't offer you any money then, 'cause you don't need it. How were you on Wednesday? [Wednesday was our 3 year wedding anniversary, I didn't really think much about it until after it happened]
Me: I was fine, didn't get any cards from anyone or anything.
Mom: Oh, that's good. I figured it'd be tacky if I sent you a card. I saw you went out to dinner with a friend and wondered if you planned that on purpose to occupy yourself.

None of this was said in a negative tone but it brought me down pretty quickly. I was feeling fine about going on the trip until she questioned how fun it would be. And I'm not sure why she's fixated on the money (she had offered in the past that if I need help paying for anything or if I needed a loan, to let her know). Maybe she wants to help and that's the only way she knows how, but I don't need it. Regardless, none of her comments are very helpful as of late. She also said to me on the day I moved "So what happens now? Are you going to get divorced or what?" *sigh*

No advice, but I hear you about the mom issue. I'm working hard on detaching from that too!

Ohhhhhhh, girl! Ditto on the mom thing!

My favorite: 2 weeks after H left. (He is a Mr. Fix-it guy. He did several things for my parents...little things like replacing doors,etc).

My mom actually called and said:"your dad and I need the outlets changed in the kitchen. Since we can't ask H, do you know of anyone who does stuff like that?"

Unbelievable.

I do truly think they mean well... They just don't think before they speak sometimes!

I'm one of those people who could go anywhere by myself and have a good time.

Can you recognize that she's going to trigger you and say to yourself, That's mom being mom.

Then the hard part, don't think about the conversation again. It's in the past.

I haven't even told my Mom. Although I think she senses something is wrong. Being fair I've only told my sister and a couple of close friends. I had a conversation with my D15 the other night, and I'm afraid I do to her this very thing...make a comment that I don't mean to be hurtful or negative but that is exactly how she takes it. Other side of the coin, mom's do the best they know how.

As far as your trip to Vegas, good for you. I am def not the type to do that alone but wish I would venture doing things alone a little more!

If you are trying to build a better relationship with your family would you consider inviting your Mom to go with you. I understand if you don't want to. I try to limit time with my Mom to only a few hours at a time ...I know that sounds horrible.

You could say something like "I was thinking about what you were saying about Vegas being more fun with a friend. Would you be interested in joining me?"

Just a thought, you would be validating her and working on that relationship...

K-Girl,

I hear you and Artsy on the mom thing. I think they frequently don't realize that what they say can be hurtful. I don't think it's intentional, however it can certainly rattle us (because we sometimes *expect* these comments).

Have fun on your trip! I love going on trips by myself. Enjoy yourself, relax, and do some fun stuff.

I'm half scared to death, half excited about this trip... I haven't done my usual pre-planning because I've been in "survival mode" still after moving ("shoot, I don't have a trash can... where is the dish soap?... I don't have any milk") but I have all day Saturday to get organized and make sure I have all my travel-sized toiletries When I start to get anxious about going by myself and feeling alone I remind myself I don't have to force myself to go out and see everything just because I'm there, I can always go to my room for a bit and watch some cable, then re-enter the world. My MO for vacations is usually "I must see everything or I feel like I'm wasting time!" so I'm going to try and relax more and just do what I feel like doing at the time I feel like doing it, even if I don't do everything on my list. I've got a couple of "must-do" activities but they add up to one or two a day so there should be plenty of time. I know I am capable of the logistics and all, more scared about being lonely and not having someone to share the experience with (guess that's why there's Facebook, right? )

I don't have as much to say anymore now that H isn't a part of my daily life. I still have lots of what-if anxieties but I think I'm doing better at acknowleding them when they come and noting that there's not much I can do about them so no need to ruminate on them. Things like "what if he sleeps with someone else? what if he doesn't miss me?" A friend commented today that H is posting a lot more on Facebookthan he ever has in the past and that he sounds lonely. Interesting.

I checked out a book I THOUGHT would be helpful about ambivalence in relationships and how to figure out if you should stay in one or not. Basically the book asked you a bunch of questions and then said if you answered negatively to any of them, that that means you should end your relationship because one negative thing outweighs any of the positive answers (??). And, the very first point was "If you've done something to remove your partner from your life, like made plans to move, you've already ended your relationship and your mind is in fact made up." Umm... ok. So according to the book, me moving means I'm actually done and shouldn't bother with trying to get back together (the "research" for this book is based on what the author says most people regret or don't regret doing when they are in similar situations.) I guess I should keep in mind that the book is made for people who are initiating the choice of what to do, not people who are left with different choices because of ones their partner has already made. That was a pretty cr*ppy book. I think I'll stick with DR and my codependency books!

That sounds like one of the worst books Ive ever heard of. What is the name of it? I must make sure that I never bother reading it. Even if it is written for the initiater, it sounds terrible. How can you justify ending a relationship based on one thing that is negative???

I had to look it up to make sure I was remembering it correctly because it seemed so extreme, but yes, it says "A guideline that says your relationship is too bad to stay in overrules any guidelines that says your relationship is too good to leave." The rational is that this is like a diagnostic manual so it will give you a clear answer as opposed to just listing pros/cons, and compares the process to picking a house: it might have a great layout, but it doesn't counteract the fact that it's in a poor location (which still doesn't make sense... because depending on what's important to you it might!) Apparently the guidelines in the book are so strong that if you say "no" to something, it's terrible enough to outweigh any other positives! Of course there's some careful couching at the beginning of the book about how you need to take your own situation into account, seek the help of a therapist, etc., but that wa.s an awfully strong statement. I'm not sure if bashing it then posting the title follows within the rules... but let's just say that something that proclaims to be a step-by-step guide to decide whether to stay in your relationship might be a little too checklist-y/doesn't have enough nuance to take everything into account.

The advice of that book sounds a little reckless and extreme.

Glad to see you are carrying on with Vegas. That's so courageous of you. I would feel the same anxiety you do, feeling alone in another city.

Just imagine how empowered you'll feel when you get back.

Go for it!