Lots of great advice in these posts, lots of hard things to hear.
Take some time to just think about your situation, take some time away from H and the business if you can.
Sex with my H right now is just sex. We seem to be taking turns initating (me hinting and waiting to see H response) BUT I know that it is just sex, I sometimes type ML but it's just sex.
I know it's not fixing anything or that H has decided we are going to work on our R.
Everyone situation here is a lil different, but if your H told you all he wants right now is sex, if that is really ok with you, then enjoy it and dont feel bad. If it makes you feel bad then its not ok with you.
I had to calm down, step back, pray in order to know what would work for me right now. I don't have sex with my H cause I think it means everything is ok, I have sex with my H cause I want sex, and since I'm still married and not into causal sex and my H is still in the house, I'm ok with how it is currently for now.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Magic, get the financials done because this man knows exactly what he's doing and the longer he dangles carrots in front of you, you will follow him to the ends of the earth and believe all of the bs he's feeding you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You can do this MM. Seeing him daily is what causes the endless loop you are in. Break free of that, go through a bit of withdrawal and eventually you will see what all of us see.
A dead end. You are ONLY a victim if you allow it. He may be broken, but YOU are allowing this to go on.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
I am not allowing it any more... I stood up for myself yesterday & he can see the backside of me now.
INSULTED & DONE (as much as that stings!!)
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, We'll see. You say you are done or you've dropped the rope each and every time a situation arises, but you fall back and the temptation is too great for you. You have to truly mean it and your actions need to follow your words. If they don't, he'll know you are just doing the "lip service" deal.
The only one who can change your situation is YOU, not your xbf, not this forum, not the women's group...but YOU.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Xbf: Lets not discuss that topic anymore. It is hard on me.
Me: I understand and am very sorry. I was not leading you on. I want it too.
Ok, why are you apologizing here ^^^, Magic? And why are you telling him you arent leading him on?
Sweetie, you keep going round and round here and winding up in the same place. The only way off that ride? Is you getting off of it.
Originally Posted By: makingmagic
Me: There is more to me than sex. I am loveable, caring & fun. I am the whole package. Sex is only part of what I want.
Xbf: Well thats all I want right now, for the most part.
Um, there were the blaring red lights ^^^, and the alarm. He couldnt make it any clearer.
So, I want to ask you this. Why do you feel this is all you deserve?
I want to expand on the pants analogy a bit. You know when a dog holds onto someone's pantleg? And you want them off, so you shake your leg. That causes it to hold on tighter. So, you then shake your leg more to get them off.
He is shaking his leg, Magic. But when he does, you hold on tighter.
Let it go. Let him go. Figure out you. Find your worth.
Until you do, you are going to continue to do the dance with him.
uRworthy ~ thx for your reply. To answer you. I apologized because I am being responsible for my part in how we got to that kiss/make out session. To be honest, I feel that I was using my sexuality to reel him in. And, it worked... for sex. But, thats not all of what I want... so, apologized. I am the whole package (sex included).
I feel I deserve more & therefore am holding out for it. I did not give in that day (as easily as I could have... I refrained). Then on the Friday when it was discussed again and I heard his terms (sex only, right now). I declined & walked away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My weekend: Hung out with friends & did some dancing on Saturday night. Spent time with Dad on Sunday & hung out with DD too. Much better than last year on Fathers Day (still room for improvement tho). Also, watched part of the secret again last night... time to "ask, have gratitude, visualize & feel it".
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
time to "ask, have gratitude, visualize & feel it".
MM, IF you have to, use that ^^^^ for only who YOU want to be, who you are going to become.... without xbf baggage.
I posted to you before 20 threads ago that that ^^^^ takes work, serious, hard, hard work...though the advertisement makes it sound like wish upon a star and it's easy. It's work, MM. Lots of hard work.
Seriously, xbf treats you like chit.
He is using you.
Free milk, no need to buy the cow.
Eating cake with ice cream.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Hi MM, Remember the story I told you about my exF so very long ago. She and I had great sex too. She left to be with someone else BUT the sex wasn't as good. She offered me a chance to have what your BF keeps saying is what he wants, just sex. If I had said yes, I'm certain we would have had "fun", lots of it! I'm a guy. This was a long time ago before the term FB was invented but that was what she wanted. Part of me thought "Well, maybe once we start doing that, she will see that she really wants ME, not him". That thought was what stopped me! I realized I didn't want "just" sex from her or anyone else. I have much more to offer someone than a roll in the sack! I may have enjoyed the act. It would have felt really good but I knew it would NEVER be enough. I wanted someone who wanted ME, ALL of me. You BF doesn't see you as someone who can give him what he wants other than sex and that [censored]. If he can do this after all the years you have been together it is him that has the problem. Show him, your D, yourself just how WRONG he is. Become the person you were meant to be and he has stopped you from being for so long. Stop being afraid of being alone or losing what you have now because what you have now is hurting you and holding you back!
Don't you see how his game playing is causing you to question your own self worth? He is playing you and by letting him you are starting to believe his crap about you not being enough! You think that if this guy who you've been with for so long doesn't think you are "good enough" than maybe you're not. This is how abusers work. This is how they get to their victims. Stop believing his crap and see him for what he is, NOT WORTHY OF YOU!! It actually hurts to read some of your posts because I see you buying into his game.
I know guys like him. I've seen some really great women beat down and believing their chit. Show him that you are more than a nice POA! You have value as a person, a partner in his business and he would be lucky to have you in his life. Until he see's you stand up for yourself and show him HE must prove HE is worthy of you, you will always be his little victim. Guys like him IMO actually have low self esteem. They see anyone who actually WANTs them to be of so little value that they don't want them! Once you stop buying into his game and start to really be the women you really are, I doubt you will even want him back in YOUR life!
Stop worrying that if you do this or say that he may think you are no longer interested. You aren't interested in what he has told you he is willing to give! He needs to know in no uncertain terms that you aren't interested in what he is offering. By trying to leave the door open just in case he see's the error of his ways and suddenly changes his mind and wants more is counter productive and is sending the wrong message at this time. I know what you are trying to do as I have tried to do the same with my W. The problem in your case is that until he see's that you will be totally gone, he will always think he can have you on his terms.
Stop worrying about "game playing" or pissing him off. I don't even know the guy or you (not really) and he's pissing ME off! Guys like him give all men a bad image. If he was a real man he would stop using you, your shared history and the fact that you love him for his own gratification! I don't know what he was like before MLC but NOW he is a user and a creep. Do yourself and him a favor and show him that real men don't act like this and you want a real man!
Don't just drop the rope, cut it! If he comes to his senses and wants you back on your terms, he will need to supply a new one and it will be up to you to decide if you want to grab ahold or not!
