Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy In house separation?

The first time H and I tried to reconcile I had asked him to leave bc although he had supposedly cut things off with OW he was very blatantly pining for her in front of me and I couldn’t stand it. We had started seeing a MC immediately after BD and the MC suggested we do a 10 day separation to each think about what we want then meet back at the MC office and declare our intentions. We came back after 10 days and H immediately said he wanted to stay together and work on things. We were both very emotional, I was thrilled and relieved. But after just a few days back together things quickly started heading South again. I don’t know if H got back in touch with OW or if he was dealing with withdrawals or what but he became very cold and was very, very clearly NOT working on the M. It was horrible living with him. So in another MC apt I asked him to leave again, the MC agreed that living together at that point was doing more harm than good. Anyway, finally to your question, what did I learn about our first reconciliation attempt? I guess I learned that I can’t force things (although actually it was the MC who essentially forced things by insisting on a time limit to our 1st separation). I learned that as much as I hate it and it seems so unfair things have to be on H’s timetable right now. For whatever reason he just was NOT ready, this time I need to be patient so he is really, really sure that he not only wants to be with me but also is ready to do the WORK needed to repair things.

For finding me I feel like I’m doing that a lot already. Just getting out there and doing things that I am able to do now that I have lots of free time without kids. I’m already doing some volunteer work, I joined an outdoors club, am planning to signup for a moon light canoe trip and have inquired about taking some graduate courses at a local university. I like getting out and being active so this one is relatively easy for me!

My 30 sec answer about H….I truly love him and want to be with him but I don’t know how I can ever trust him so that makes me scared and unsure.

Man the resentment keeps pounding on me lately. Just saw H at S's baseball game and the more he pursues me, the more I feel resentful. He was basically following me around, chatting me up, txtd me immediately before and after the game. I continue to feel like he's trying to relive his A with ME. I guess in a really backwards way that is maybe GOOD? But it seems so twisted and stirs up my resentment. Is this a typical part of the process?? I know MWD mentions it a bit in her book but it's a really bit part. Not sure how to deal with this, makes for an extra challenge in keeping my anger in check.

Do you have an ic?

No, I do not have an IC. Although I must say, I am quite dubious of counselors in general. I've found they can do significant harm. I must prefer the coaching approach that MWD prescribes with it's solution focus. I do have a DBing coach, maybe it's time to make another appt with her.

This is an instance where the right IC is probably the better option. What you're trying to cope with is your own emotions rather than a DBing issue. You're looking for long-term processing skills.

We had the wrong counselor for a while and the right counselor for a while. If we'd only had the right one I might never have needed to come to this board. I stuck with the good one and he's been enormously helpful. It's worth getting a referral from a friend who understands your personality and give it a try. It's really interesting to see how you have been working so hard at DB and then how angry you get when you see some success.

I believe you wrote this concerning finding a C for your anger issues over a week ago.

"I think it is important, MrBond. I am reading the course materials right now. I appreciate the push."

It was your anger issues that caused your marriage issues. The DB coach won't be able to help you with that. You're just making more excuses because you either 1) don't think you're wrong and feel like you're entitled to lash out at your H when you feel like it, or 2) are afraid to open up.

Either way, it takes you to the same place....NOWHERE. Your anger is a pretty big issue and taking care of that will not only help your M, but life in general.

I do see the anger as important MrBond. I have not lashed out at H in about a month now, despite feeling like it very many times. I know that's not much but it's something, especially given the circumstances. As you may know, there are counselors who specialize in anger management, you can take a class or meet 1x1 with one to specifically address that. I am entirely open to that if I find the class I am taking online is ultimately not effective enough. I don't put that in the same category as just a 'general' IC, without a specific purpose. That's the C that I am not interested in.

Thx for pointing this out. That's why I think posting/journaling is so helpful so I (and others) can see these patterns. It's really fear coming out as we get closer. Which I cope with by getting angry and wanting to lash out/push back on H. I'm sure part of me also wants to 'test' him to see how he'll react, I'm sure there's some desire to punish him thrown in as well.

Don't you see that all of it ties back to your anger issues and lack of coping abilities?

Make it a point to see someone about that and how it all ties together with you life in general. Stop making excuses like you just did.

I don't feel IC is the right route. IC is not a panacea and while it can be effective for certain people and/or certain circumstances (given you're lucky enough to actually find someone good) I think many would benefit from considering alternatives. I am not making excuses, it's a very well thought out choice.

Just because you don't agree with *how* I'm dealing with my anger does not mean I'm not addressing the issues. It's obviously not something that is instantaneously changed so if I post expressions of anger here, that should not be a shocker. Also, posting it here and not unleashing it on my H is actually good progress.

I appreciate you helping but I suspect we'll just have to agree to disagree on this.