Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife's mental illness and hard decision

Thanks SemperFi,

I have had to do some deep evaluation of the situation over the last week. My wifes mental illness is a huge issue unless she gets the help she needs. She won't even communicate with me concerning the kids. Her family continues to push her to get the divorce finalized. I have to consider that if the divorce is the focus, her fixation, she will never get an opportunity to get healthy.

I don't consider my decision to be dropping the rope. I feel her fixation on the divorce being the means to her happiness to be a road block to her getting well. I have asked my attorney to take the draft agreement my wife and I worked on, make some changes based on the present situation, and send a draft outline to her attorney. My hope is an agreement can be worked out and finalized.

I hope that with the divorce, my wife can begin to heal. She won't have it to fixate on. She will hopefully learn that happiness has to come from within. I am not giving up on her, just taking a different path than I wanted in order for her to hopefully heal.

I will continue to focus on my girls and my health. I will plan a new life for myself without my wife. I am considering getting my teaching certificate and teaching high school math. I will not seek out my wife at this point, but continue to become the person only a fool would leave. If my wife gets healthy and seeks me out, I will see where I m at that point and where life will lead me.

Get a D if you want but don't do it thinking it's going to heal her. I know your situation is very difficult and confusing but make your decisions based on what's best for you and your Ds.

It's OK to say, I don't want to be married to someone with a serious mental illness who can't/won't seek treatment.

Have you checked out AlAnon for you and AlAteen for your Ds? Great resource for friends and family in which alcohol is a problem.

Thanks labug,

I have thought things through and I feel that I am making decisions based on what best for my daughters, myself and finally my wife in that order.

My oldest confided in me this weekend that she has been talking with her mother. Her mother told her that our middle daughter pushed her to hard with her needs and pushed her over the edge. She told my oldest that she did not want my middle daughter to ever move back in with her. I could see how upset my oldest was carrying this kind of information. I held her and told her that she should not be put in the position of having this put on her. That her mother blaming her sister for what happened along with the continued drinking were indications that their mother was not getting well yet and probably was not getting the help she needed.

I am pushing forward on the divorce to get it settled. I feel this will allow things to settle down and give my daughters a sense of some stability in their lives.

I am pushing the divorce so I can settle my life, regroup and chart a new direction for it.

I have looked into alanon. I am planning on going. I am also looking for a new counselor for my self. My present counselor is family oriented and not strong in the area of substance abuse. I feel that she is mostly a sounding boar for me right now and is not challenging me in any way.

I will be talking to my attorney this morning. I am asking him to send a draft divorce agreement to her attorney. In it he will have to discuss the children, what wife needs to do in regards to the drinking and the consequences if she chooses not to work on it. I have to have this in place based on conversations with DCF. If I don't and something happens when they are with her I can be held negligent.

I am hoping that this will bring closure to this sad chapter of our lives. I plan on it allowing a new start and maybe a happy ending.

Yesterday I had to review a draft agreement concerning our daughters that my lawyer drew up.The proposed agreement was drawn up because my wife backed out of a meeting set up between us with the lawyers. The meeting was to discuss the girls and set boundaries and restrictions on their visitation given the situation. I believe my wife backed out because she had resumed drinking and that it could become part of the subject. I actually di not find out about it until after the time for the meeting. Because of the resumption of the drinking, DCF, and the girls safety, the language in the proposed agreement is much stronger than I would like. I can see my wife viewing it as me trying to control things which will lead her to be more angry. I don't have much choice in order to protect the girls and myself from further intrusion of DCF into our lives.

I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place. On one hand I see the need to do this for the safety of our children. On the other hand I see it as another wedge between my wife and myself. I am grasping onto one hope that my wifes love of being a mother for her girls will will push her to do what she needs to do to get well.

I sit here tearing up a bit and wondering how to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward.

The language has to be strong.

How she takes it is how she takes it. You know you're doing the best you can for the Ds. (they do have an IC, right?)

Boundary-less people always get angry when people set boundaries. it's a given.

Hi labug,

The girls definitely have their own IC.

I am in the process of getting a new one for myself. I talked with my lawyer and he feels that I need more than just someone who listens to me. he recommends I find someone who has more experience with substance abuse and helping people associated with a substance abuser. I am looking for some with this experience who is solutions based.

My lawyer sent me the final draft of the agreement before it goes to her attorney. he added a few changes to it that I requested. One is to give us the ability to modify the length of visitation without going back to court. I also extended the original length a bit longer to include the whole day on Sunday. My lawyer added an additional requirement for her to attend AA at least once a week.

I told him to go ahead and send it. My feeling is they will come back with requested changes. Then the back and forth really begins as my lawyer also filed for a date in the court which will probably be in about two weeks.

I agree with the statement that boundary less people get angry about boundaries. My wife also struggled with simple boundaries like call if you are going to be late. I can't imagine how she will react to stronger ones.