Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy In house separation?

Well, things ended up going a bit south. I discovered why I feared the riding lawnmower afterall. I went outside to drive it back into the shed, wasn't thinking about the fact the blade was down, rode over the garden hose and now it's all tangled up in there. I can't get it out!

Oh the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat!

I ended up calling H to let him know what happened, I told him that I would handle it (find someone to service it) but I wanted to let him know before I went and spent our $$ on getting it fixed (our finances are still joint). He was very sweet, laughed and reminded me of when he ran over our welcome mat and the same thing happened. He said he would look at it. I thanked him and apologized for calling on father's day but I didn't want to do anything else until I let him know. It's just sitting stuck outside now (fortunately it's a nice day). It ended up ok, he was really good about it, I'm just disappointed that I didn't have complete success.

Then went to see Dad which was pretty rough. He is not adjusting well to the home we had to put him in :-(

In a short while I head to volunteer. Hoping that goes better then the rest of my plans, although maybe this is one of those 'best laid plans...' lesson days!

H txtd me a picture of him and the kids on a ferry. I asked him what they were doing and he replied that they were doing a day trip to an island the two of us have visited many times. Then he txtd "thinking of you and the times we have been here :-)" I txtd "I always loved doing the loop there walk with u" Then he txtd "we should take a day off work together and come here". This is significant for a couple of reasons, not only the obvious that he wants to spend a whole day together but also that he wants to take a day off work together. That is something he did a few times to spend time with OW, which he knows hurt me very deeply.

Man, I know this is mindreading but I swear he is trying SO hard to recapture his feelings for me. It's sweet but simultaneously sad, thinking about all that we so foolishly squandered and lost. Praying that he rediscovers what I hope he's looking for..

So H has initiated 3 dates (including a potential all day one) at this point as well as lots of txting and even some phone calls. I'm wondering if it would be ok if I initiated a date at this point? The reason I am contemplating it is much of this week I will be off work with the kids as they will be home from school before camps start next week. He will think that I will not want to do anything with him because it means time lost with the kids for me (I know he will think this as we've discussed it). Thus far our dates have been planned during the school day, so we both take some time away from work but not kids. But I am willing to do a late dinner date (close to kids bedtime, get a babysitter) or something like that. Should I put it on the table?

Recall he does respond well to *some* pursuit from me as I had previously rejected him quite a lot in our M. Also, he told me he had previously stopped enjoying dates with me because sometimes I would use it to discuss something serious and we'd get into a fight. I want to continue to create opportunities to show him we can go out and have a great time and I can keep it light, control myself and protect that time as sacred and special (no arguments allowed under any circumstances!). I'm also thinking a nice dinner date would be a prime opportunity to go a little more dressy/flirty on my end ;-)

I personally think it would be all right but I suggest something other than a dinner. Like, tickets to a show of some sort, something you want to do on your own so you can say these are my plans, it would be fun to do it together, but if you don't want to I'll go anyway. Win-win -- flirty outfit, activity where he knows there will be no serious talk (because you'll be doing something), but the option to have dinner together before (which he could possibly even suggest).

It's nice to hear that you are seeing results from everything you've done. I hope you're feeling really good about yourself!

Thx Maybell. I really thought about a show per your feedback but I'm not really a 'show' person so opted not to go that route. So I just directly asked him if he wanted to go to dinner late one night this week, suggested a couple places we've been before and enjoy. He immediately said 'yes' and then asked about the kids (knew he would). I reassured him I had someone to watch them. I brought a new LBD for the occasion. Very, very casual but flirty and cute. Trying but not TOO hard ;-)

Rough morning, kids seem to be tough when they get back with me after being with H for a few days. What is most frustrating is it seems they are not like that when with H. Why is that?

Also, H keeps txting me pics of himself (no, nothing racy, lol!). Just stupid stuff like he had to wear a suit today for work so he txtd me a pic. It's kind of cute but at the same time stirs me up a bit bc I suspect this is what he used to do with OW. Sometimes I feel like he's trying to play out with me what he had with HER. It really starts to get under my skin.

I know I should just try to be happy that now he's doing these things with me but it's just annoying. She never should have been a part of our lives!!! He never should have let her in, in the first place!!! I know I need to accept and in a few hours I will calm back down again, just having a rough morning. Steering clear of any emails/txts/calls with H until I'm in a better place.

Are you starting to feel some of the backlash described in DR when you see forward progress?

Re: kids... My guess is they feel more secure with you than with H (since he's the one who left) so they reward you for your steadfastness by acting out the anxiety they felt when with him. Um... It's a compliment? (believe me, I feel your pain)

Is it possible that your H discovered a side of himself that he likes when he was with OW, that he doesn't want to lose it, and so he's transferring that behavior to you? This is just a suggestion... Are there other "as if" explanations that would not annoy you?

No, OW shouldn't have been part of your story. But she is. Hopefully you can grow something strong and happy from that load of manure.

I suspect that you are right, that H discovered things with OW that he liked and he's trying to transfer to me. I actually think (or maybe this is just what I tell myself to feel better) that it's not really anything new, he actually REdiscovered things that he and I used to have and lost. When we got together we used to email and talk constantly. He has said that being able to talk to me was the #1 thing that he fell in love with. My understanding is the biggest attraction with OW (besides physical) was also just the talking. I think the txting pictures is just all part of this communicating that he lost with me, rediscovered with her and now it trying to piece back together with me again.

I guess the best way to think about this and not get annoyed is to keep focused on the bigger picture, the progress and keep solution focused. I think it is positive progress that he is doing these things with me. And obviously getting annoyed would be extremely counterproductive and work against my larger goal to reconnect and fix our M.

Feeling ansy again so going to post all the reasons why it's GOOD to be patient and for H and I to continue to be physically separated right now:
*time apart allows me to work on myself
*the longer I am alone, the more confident I become which is better for me whether H and I stay together or not
*the slower we take things the more confident we will be if we decide to get back together; rushing reconciliation and expecting too much too soon was likely a major factor in our initial reconciliation failing
*time for me to do things I've been saying I want to do for years, get the house organized, gardening, running, etc. If he moves back in and kids are home full time again it will be much harder
*time to find ME without all the distractions of H and kids
*time to prove to not only H but MYSELF that the changes I am making are truly sustainable
*time to be more confident that H truly is the right choice for me and that I can get over the A

MDU,

I like your list. Especially the one about becoming more self-confident. That's the way to go, baby!

rushing reconciliation and expecting too much too soon was likely a major factor in our initial reconciliation failing

This is important. What are some of the take aways you've learned from your past failed reconciliation attempt? What were some of the steps that you believe didn't work favorably back then? What would you do differently this time around?

*time to find ME without all the distractions of H and kids

What are some of the ways you can do to achieve this goal? What does that look like to you?

*time to be more confident that H truly is the right choice for me and that I can get over the A

What's your answer? In 30 seconds.