Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy In house separation?

Your last post, re: goal setting, is much easier for me, really resonates.
All of this above? Notsomuch. Totally out of character and very hard for me to wrap my brain around. I’m a planner, I’m a doer, I’m a driver and some may say a controller. What you have outlined is the complete opposite. I read it and think “Yikes, it’s like trying to tackle Mount Everest or something.” No can do. (I know I need to change this attitude)

Had a great time at D's preschool graduation. She is seriously the cutest kid ever!!! Got the 'Friends Forever" award because of her fierce loyalty to all her friends :-)

Had only one tough moment tonight where H's stepmom took a picture and I was NOT included...but I toughed it out ok.

H is so warming to me, he even winked at me. We took all the kids (including H's older kids) out to dinner. H and I sat next to each other and once again just chatted and chatted like we were on a date.

I have been so humbled by my stepkids and how they have remained loyal to me through all of this. My SD has even been staying with me. Mostly I'm sure that's because I have a lot of space and her Mom does not but I'm still really happy that she feels comfortable enough to still stay here. Of course they love and are totally loyal to their Dad but I feared they would flat out dump me. But they haven't and I am so, so glad. My stepson's fiancé said that she recently made H talk to her about things and he apparently said "well, I would like if things worked out with MDU"

Tomorrow H and I have a lunch date. Initially we didn't have firm plans but he pulled me aside tonight and asked what time are we going, where, how much time can you get away from work, etc. I wasn't going to initiate, so glad he did

I know I shouldn't get my hopes up but it's really hard not to.

H and I had another very enjoyable lunch. Easygoing chatting, lots of smiles and laughs. He gave me a big hug and a kiss at the end. I swear we have not been this relaxed, connected and easygoing in our togetherness in a long time, even pre-A.

H mentioned that he’s thinking a lot about coming home and trying an in home separation and asked if I'd been thinking about it. I said I have been thinking about it too but that we would really need to talk it through. So for now I will wait until he says he’s ready to discuss the specifics of an in house separation and then I will put the transparency plan requirement out there. I really need him to agree to that before we go any further, i.e., him moving back home. Otherwise I know I will be paranoid that OW is still in the picture and there’s no way I can deal with him home under those circumstances.

Patience, patience, patience!!!

Good job, mdu. It's like trying to get a squirrel to eat out of your hand . . . patience!


Starsky

Thanks Starsky, appreciate the encouragement!

P.S. H sent me a txt a little while after lunch saying "I enjoyed having lunch and talking with you." :-)

Trying to not have expectations but I'm definitely feeling like the tides are shifting. I think I'm going to back off for a while and see what H initiates next. I had been calling him on occasion just to chat but I think I'll dial back to calling just when necessarily (and if the convo naturally goes to chitchat, great, if not I'm not going to push it there). I don't want to push/pressure. I'm hoping at this point he's gotten a bit of a taste and is more and more seriously thinking about what he could lose.

When you have the discussion with him about in home separation, let him talk. You have your answer already in your head and you haven't heard him yet. This is where most of us controllers go wrong, we plan the discussion to keep it safe for us, have every possible direction the convo might take mapped and then we don't listen.

While the other person is talking we're thinking about our reply.

Listen, really listen and then if you need time to digest what he's said, say that. "I need to think about this for awhile." Take time whether you think you need it or not.

A great reminder for me-Listen to understand, not to reply.

GREAT advice. ^^^^

Thx, labug! Such great advice! I was wondering how to handle things. I knew I should let him talk first but I really like your suggestion to tell him that "I need to think about that for a while" if something unexpected comes up. I'm also thinking maybe I should request this be a phone conversation rather than in person. Specifically so I can easily exit if I need to. Any thoughts on that?

Also, great reminders to REALLY listen and absorb what he's saying. I think knowing these strategies will make me more relaxed if this convo comes up so thanks so much again.

I'm also continuing to remind myself to be patient! I keep wanting/expecting him to call me any day now and say he wants to make a time to talk about in house separation. I'm trying to remind myself to SLOW down because really, I need this time away too to work on myself and get my head screwed on straight! No rush!!!

This is one of my first kid free weekends where I don’t have tons of GAL plans. This maybe a mistake, we’ll see how it goes. I do have some plans and hopefully that’s enough to keep me sane. But I was curious to see how I can do with a good amount of time by myself. I have been saying forever that I wish I had time to myself to get various things done around the house. So that’s one of my goals this weekend, if I can tolerate the aloneness.

Just had a bit of a challenging sitch.

Got a call from S's school. He got in trouble yesterday; they have a color coding system at his school that goes from Green (good behavior), Yellow (warning), Orange, Red (worst, sent to Principals). Anyway, S has been getting on Yellow and Orange lately. We have consequences at home if he gets on the 'poor behavior' colors. The consequences become more severe depending on the color.

Yesterday he told me he was 'Yellow'. Well the teacher just called and told me he was in fact on RED. I called H to let him know primarily bc he has the kids this weekend so I wanted him to speak to Son ASAP. I am so angry about S lying to me about the color he was on. I told H that I am very angry about the lying. And then there was this awkward elephant in the room feel bc obviously H has lied and lied and lied to me for months during A. I got off the phone quickly so my anger didn't get the better of me.

How do folks deal with the hypocripsy of the whole sitch???