Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis For Making Magic....

TX everyone!!

I do give up... I give up chasing this guy... I can't get anyway!

But because I have never said NO... I need lessons/instructions/guidance... please be patient. I do intend on learning "NO"

Sandi.. I am very angry/resentful, but am told not to "wear it/show it".... but it does fuel my FU attitude that protects me & my heart. So maybe I should have it? Dunno.

Im not sure why some of you thought "patio date" suggested working on a patio??? confused.

I am not meaning to be strategic... I have every intention of listening to you all.

I just don't know what "kicking his arse to the curb" looks like... I have never broken up with someone.

Starsky... #3? Really? I could say that & would have ... if the convo on Wednesday didn't lead to him suggesting to me to go ahead and have back up plans, incase he couldn't follow through with the patio date (as he plans on working & may be "too tired") <<<< as he feels I should be as well. He is trying to lay guilt there. So, if I were to say, sorry...made other plans... it may now come across as a game play & just piss him off. I don't care about pissing him off, I worry about "games". I thought that some honesty could be given this time instead. Something like "this is too confusing or not feeling right or NO, I give up"... might make more sense & be truthful..... thoughts?? The fact that I ask this question, is strictly to be prepared. He may not even ask... and WHEW, if he doesn't.

Whew, that he didn't "try" anything yesterday too. Cuz, I'm not sure how I would have handled it.

Eric ~ yes! I was trying to mind read because I want to remain consistent. After Wednesdays hot & steamy passionate make out. I want to send the message that I liked how passionate we are (still) but Im not interested in just casual sex. I am not demoting myself to THAT level. THIS PISSES ME OFF!! Yes, I want him to "get it"... I thought this was my goal??? I don't want to control the sitch, I want to control me.

Sandi ~ yes! having sex is HIS fun. GRRRRR. I do fear that he may not spend the time that he "says" he would. SO... won't be entertaining THAT option.

Eric ~ YES.. today's comments are resonating for me... thank you!!

Agree with Gabby, MM. I got nothing left to give you that I haven't already given -- in spades.

There are others that need help on this very forum, that don't get 1/4th . . .1/10th! . . . the responses you do.

It's time to fly outta the nest, babe.


Starsky

yep... just scared...... to death!

GM ~~~ I would NOT allow ANY of this for my DD!! GRRRR Momma Bear!!

I respect myself more than to take this casual option...

I just find it hard to work with him (and not get hopeful or have desires or expectations). I want to learn how to "BE" around him. One thing that a friend says is to not look to HIM for commitment.

I understand that when he looks at me, I likely represent "commitment" to which he runs from. When I look to him for commitment he repels & it feels like pressure.

Wtf? How can I not look like "commitment" when ultimately thats what I want?

I DESERVE MORE!!

MM


And what you are missing is the fuc*ing awesome experience of “writing your own story on YOUR f*cking terms!”. There is no right or wrong way to break up with someone. The right or wrong way is the WAY YOU DECIDE IT TO BE FOR YOU.

The fact that you have never broken up with someone tells me that you have had this self worth/self esteem issue for a loooonnnnggg time. The fact that you would never allow your DD to be in this sitch – tells me that you are VERY AWARE OF YOUR FEAR.

It really is the FEAR that is holding you back! No one here can do this for YOU MM. NO ONE. You are 46 yo, you have had habits that were formed over many many years – What I can tell you is that these habits can be broken! They can be tossed aside. All it really takes is training and work.

Lemme show you a few more things that I see…..


YOUR responses to XBF are…..in or in anticipation of a response from him, or how it is gonna make HIM feel, or how HE will perceive YOU. ……Look at what you wrote…. “it may now come across as a game play & just piss him off”…

PISS HIM OFF – WTF. Who gives a chit what he feels? YOU DO…so your responses are FOR HIM – NOT for YOU.


You do care about pissing him off – if you didn’t you would not spend so much energy worrying about what or how or when to say something to him.

Truthful…really…

Why do you feel the need, rather OBLIGATION to be truthful to him? Why do you feel the need or OBLIGATION to say anything to him? IMO, cause you still want him…you still want to see if you can save this…


Look at this ^^^^ “WHEW …if he doesn’t! Really MM, really….are you that scared of him?

Then look at your very next sentence….


“Whew” again… and what I find really amazing…is your comment “I’m not sure how I would have handled it”. Personally, I am starting to think that he has been your one and only lover. Maybe the one person that has managed to “get you off”. Maybe this is more about you NEEDING sex to validate how you feel about yourself.


Now before you ask…why I would say you need sex for validation…take a look at YOUR words…..


Steamy and passionate make out session.

Here is man that gives you crumbs (if you can even call it that)

Here is man who disrespect you

Here is man who has told you (in an indirect way)…that he would like to play the field

Here is man who has kept you stuck right where you have been for the past few years

Here is man who is concerned about HIS NEED and HIS WANTS – not YOURS

And you talk about steamy and passionate. I’m not kidding…I really want to meet this guy. I do. He must be hung like a horse and has a nick name of Don Juan…cause man he must be amazing.



How about…”hey get your fu*king hands off me, I’m not a piece of meat you pig”


How about you consistently work on getting your share of the business…and if you cannot…I kid you not…walk away from it. Yep…say F it… go find a job, your self respect and dignity back. Cause from where I sit…he is gonna keep playin you like a two dollar hoe!


OMG! F*ck passion…how about getting a little consideration from him. How about getting YOUR needs met?


Honestly….IMO, your GOALS should be to….


FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF

UNDERSTAND WHY YOU ALLOW PEOPLE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU

UNDERSTAND WHY THIS MAN HAS SO MUCH POWER OVER YOU

UNDERSTAND WHY YOU ALLOWED THIS FOR AS LONG AS YOU HAVE

UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO TRULY VALUE YOURSELF

UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO TRULY LIVE

UNDERSTAND WHAT SELF RESPECT MEANS


Then….maybe then……should he or any other man be the goal.

FIX YOU FIRST MM……FIX YOU FIRST….

I’ll close with this…….


I suspect that no matter what anyone post to you…that you need some form of sex of physical contact in order to “FEEL” validated ….I think nothing I or anyone else says for that matter will change that….

Then I want you to consider this……

You were “putting out” and he apparently still wants “that”…so honestly…ya must not be bad in the sack, I say this with no disrespect to you. So unless you have 6 nipples, are missing a leg and have 15 fingers – you are gonna meet someone – so being alone should not be a concern nor should your ability to have physical intimacy with someone. When you are ready, and when you finally cut the cord from this guy…..you will find that you just may meet a nice man, who can still validate you and RESPECT YOU.

FTR, I still believe that you need to address the sex/physical validation thing – I just don’t think you can.

"I need lessons/instructions/guidance... please be patient."

if you really wanted lessons/instructions/guidance all you have to do is go back and read the 30-some odd threads of hundreds of posts of nearly daily lessons/instructions/guidance which you've accumulated for the past 15 months.

Here's the problem you have in not letting go. You want "him" to get a message. It's all about him. So that's why it doesn't work. Until you determine in your own will that you are completely finished and no more longing for a R with him.........NOTHING WILL WORK!



You have said this and other similar statements about not knowing what it should look like. I have never seen as many people trying to paint a picture for a poster as I have seen here. I don't know how much is left for posters to give, but at some point....YOU have to start applying what is advised and stop whining about needing lessons, etc. You are repeating yourself......and so are we. Neither seem to be accomplishing anything. It is strictly up to you to do it or not. Enough with the worn out excuses. You are not a teenager!



Yes, typically, that is the advice. But hey, if it will give you the spunk you need to walk away from him......I say go for it! But that's just me. I truly stick by what I told you the first time.........get out. It is not healthy to work around him every day, especially if you have that much resentment. And I really don't believe you will get better or happier as long as you work with him.

You want a committed R. Fine, get it from somebody else. This guy isn't going to do it. You are wasting precious years Magic. Find another man to love and build a life together. He is not the only man out there. Frankly, I don't understand what attracts you to him. He sounds so dull and boring and all he does is disrespect and play you.

I have read about women like you who can't let go. The degrading depths a woman will sink, thinking she is keeping him! Now that's what makes me mad at women! B/c men will lay down their lives for the right kind of woman. Women have been given a special mystic, if you will, that men will NEVER figure out. I'm just sorry you were never informed about it.

You have to have some dignity and self-confidence. At times you talk the talk, but people learn not to hear you when they don't see you walk the walk.

TX Sandi.... in search for that woman "mystical magic:...that I recall once having!!! I will find it AGAIN!!

Eric ... thanks for your long posts in this thread. I will keep reading and re-reading & learning & taking notes... Thank you for your continued effort, it will not be wasted or go unappreciated. I will review & comment because I thought I had written some POSITIVES, only for them to be received differently. I thought you would have been proud of my comments... hmmm.

To respond:


The fact that you have never broken up with someone tells me that you have had this self worth/self esteem issue for a loooonnnnggg time. The fact that you would never allow your DD to be in this sitch – tells me that you are VERY AWARE OF YOUR FEAR. ..... <<<<<<< YES to both!

YOUR responses to XBF are…..in or in anticipation of a response from him, or how it is gonna make HIM feel, or how HE will perceive YOU. ……Look at what you wrote…. “it may now come across as a game play & just piss him off”…

PISS HIM OFF – WTF. Who gives a chit what he feels? YOU DO…so your responses are FOR HIM – NOT for YOU. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<The new MM is no longer afraid to piss him off... I am concerned more about the game play... thats what I don't like. I am proud that I could care less to piss him off (180), but doing so with intent, comes off wrong to me..... do you see my point better? I feel that if I said no, because I "now, suddenly/intentionally" have plans to "play a game". Thats how it would look.

Why do you feel the need, rather OBLIGATION to be truthful to him? Why do you feel the need or OBLIGATION to say anything to him? IMO, cause you still want him…you still want to see if you can save this… <<<<<< truthfully, I just want him... but not at MY EXPENSE. I just felt that honesty was the best approach to most all circumstance, no? I do not make a very believable liar/actor.


Look at this ^^^^ “WHEW …if he doesn’t! Really MM, really….are you that scared of him?

Then look at your very next sentence….

“Whew” again… and what I find really amazing…is your comment “I’m not sure how I would have handled it”. Personally, I am starting to think that he has been your one and only lover. Maybe the one person that has managed to “get you off”. Maybe this is more about you NEEDING sex to validate how you feel about yourself. <<<<<< I am REALLY confused with your response here... I truly thought that the posters would "LIKE" the fact that I was saying "whew"... to the fact that He wasn't pursuing further when its not appropriate and I wasn't placed in an uncomfortable position that I wasn't prepared for. He isn't my one only lover.. I have had a few in the past. YES, he is the only one for the last 20years and a very good one at that. Its mutual. We both still enjoy & want the other. I don't understand your point on what needing sex to validate does...?? Our little make out session was quite hot & steamy/passionate for BOTH.

Here is the thing, HE is not the pursuer when it came to our sex life...it was my "job"... so, when he reached out & grabbed me & was passionately kissing & the hands were travelling. IT WAS A NEW BEHAVIOUR from him. <<<<< This is GREAT & I struggled with rewarding... aren't we supposed to reward good behaviour? My friend suggested that I could talk with him to say that I really enjoyed his pursuing (nice change), although it only feels like 50% of what I want now. Or something like that....thoughts?

The "not sure how to handle it" comment relates to now... days later? How can I reward that nice change in him when I have now given up on him? confused here!

Thanks for the GOALS...will read & re-read, till I get it!

FTR, I still believe that you need to address the sex/physical validation thing – I just don’t think you can. <<< don't think I can? why say that (sounds kinda mean to me??) Our sex life was mutually awesome (he still says that he won't find better too). I am hung up on the fact that most marriages after short time don't have what we have in that arena. We are both afraid to let that go. Which is why I think he is "trying" to keep that part. The thing is... ya can't have only the good part of me... I am the WhoLE package !!!!

Tx KenF ~ yep... you are right... there are countless instructions to be followed. I just need to start & want the pep talks along the way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

We show people how we can be treated. I have allowed this behaviour in my past somehow & won't allow it anymore. After basically promoting for him to put the moves on me (because I encouraged him to act on "feelings" & passion), he did.... now what?

I feel bad that I encouraged this NEW behaviour because the timing is off to be able to follow through. It would be different if he was stating he wants to work on our relationship for the sake of reconciliation.

Should I say something?

Im a nice person.

Yes, FU because he is wanting to turn me into a toy that he can play with...

but, I am still a nice person.

OR... will he figure it out?

I won't "promote" again.. cuz, that is just WRONG... but is that enough?

MM



1) Concerned about “game play” - you should not care. For some reason you are taking ownership of how he feels. That is not your problem.
2) Concerned about “game play” – when you truly drop the rope and do not care….well then…you will not care what he thinks.


1) “comes off wrong to me” – The reason YOU FEEL this way is because you are not used to standing up for yourself. You have become quite comfortable trying to make everyone happy – except yourself.
2) “Thats how it would look” – YOU are mind reading. You have no idea how he will look at it and actually you should not care.


Sorry you want the IDEA of HIM. YOU also do NOT want to face YOUR FEARS. IMO, you view on LOVE and COMMITMENT is skewed. Not your fault probably…It is YOUR fault though if YOU choose NOT to finally face it and deal with it.



Do not be a people pleaser. Post what you want to say…not what poster want to “hear”.



a. “a very good one at that” – I call this “whipped”..sorry MM, as I suspected…your c*ck whipped. Sorry.
b. “It’s mutual” – you guys have nothing but a sex relationship. I am glad you find it mutual enjoyable. Honestly, I really think nothing I say on this will help you. As Gabbymom mentioned….how would you feel if your daughter said to you how much she love sex with her husband that beats her. How she get off…over and over and over again…and so does her H. When he is done…he smacks her around for good measure. She does not like it much. BUT they both are good in the sack together. How would you feel if she said that too you?


I’ll try and be as straight to the point as I can…..on this one.

My ex was good in the sack. Matter of fact….she made love to me like never before……right after she slept with OM. Oh…when I found out – I threw up. We never slept together again. Sorry….I respect myself to much for that. Oh…and yes I guess my ex would say that it was good for us BOTH since I did “get off”.


Actually that is the way you want to see it and man I feel for you…probably the only way you CAN see it.

First… the “job” of originating sex between two people falls on BOTH people. That is healthy. I suspect that he “liked” when you initiated…a little less work for him and also feed his ego (I mean really why should he think of YOURS). When he saw that did not work…he just decided to use a different tactic to get what HE WANTED…which was a piece of your…… Since you love it soo much..you went for the ride. Honestly, MM….it is sad to read this.


You struggle with self worth – not rewarding. I think as long as he touches you in the right place..you’ll just melt. Sad if ya ask me. Oh…as for your friends comments….. personally, I would get another friend.



Do YOU understand that you come across as so desperate for his pecker that it sad? I’m not trying to hurt you MM..really I’m not..I really think you need to go see a therapist. You want to “reward” him? Really?


Okay MM…I tried… I have to say I am not sure that anything I say will get through to you. I wish you well sweetie..I do. Go be with him. Go enjoy sex with him. It is okay.

those were just comments... not my actions GM & Eric.

I will HEAR & listen. I will not be a people pleaser!! I do respect myself...honestly, I DO & will not just go have sex with him.

If I wasn't listening to you guys, I would have closed this account & did what ever urge I felt.

I am an eager student. I slip up with my words/actions...but that doesn't mean I don't feel things inside & am just sharing on here.

The "reward" comes from reading DB...reward good behaviour. I am not suggesting the "act" was good behaviour, but its a LONG time in the coming, HIS EFFORT towards kissing/sex, etc. Yes, I know its supposed to be mutual, but it WASNT. Just noticing and wishing things were different so that I could let him know that was attractive (within proper R).

Where is the rope Gabby? its a slow process, but my thoughts for today keep going back to "NOT GOOD ENOUGH" I want more, etc....

SO... only answer questions. He did not ask any questions about the "make out" so don't go volunteering explanations...<<<< got it!!