Fair enough I really dont want to leave so I wont.. its about me now..
ok mrbond.. I trust you.. I have not sent long txt msgs today nor spoke much to her.. she kept texting me she was bored and everytime I had the urge to call I told myself no dont.. just wait to speak to her when you get home..
when I got home she was cooking and bayght me a pair of shoes.. so odd.. anyways I left her to cook and started exercising and then went for a shower and we ate together after..
She started cleaning after and I had a cigarette and sat at the balcony for a while.. then just went to lay down in bed for which she came and joined after.. I gave her a foot massage.. since she baught me the shoes but didnt tell her it was because of that.
Right for all that think (ahem mrbond) I dont read the book im on page 171 now uncommon sense technique 6..
Btw does the 180 work in terms of if she says lets get a divorce and I agree with her.. her demeaner will change and would want the opposite.. I read about the seesaw effect. And im just thinking.. correct me if im wrong...
If she says "I want to divorce" and you agree with her, what do you think will happen? You aren't always going to agree with what she says. Telling her you agree when you don't is doormat behaviour. Instead, listen to what she says and validate the feeling: "Why do you want to divorce?" if you need more information or "I'm sorry you feel that way" if you've heard it before. You are at the beginning of your journey of being your own man. It is important to know your own answers to the important questions and act consistent with those. Do I want to divorce? Do I want to move out? When she speaks, you listen, validate, think about what she has said for a while and make your own decision based on what is best for you moving forward.
In regards to space, do you have a spare living area or bedroom? If so, can you comfortably spend more time there and out of your wife's sight? If not, go for for a walk or find something else to do outside the house. You can create space without moving out. It will take some discipline though, much like those text messages.
Your interactions sound positive today. Hopefully you can start to see little signs that this stuff sound crazy but it works. You leave her alone and she'll come to you.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Barry, sorry but I disagree here...and here's why...
Originally Posted By: Barrybran
If she says "I want to divorce" and you agree with her, what do you think will happen? You aren't always going to agree with what she says. Telling her you agree when you don't is doormat behavior.
it's not honest. I wouldn't say it's "doormat" behavior however. Semantics? No. I think honesty is key, even if muted.
Instead, listen to what she says and validate the feeling: "Why do you want to divorce?" if you need more information or Ask her NOTHING about her wanting a divorce or why. You already know why.
You can release her to her task if you like, and that'd be a 180.
The more you challenge her choices, the more you force her to defend them. Stop all the challenges and questions. Remember that there is value in SILENCE and STFU often...
assuming SHE brings it up and assuming YOU DO NOT, then if she declares herself or says she's "Still on the fence" blah blah blah, you can say something along the lines of
"Hey, I'm working on ME so I'll be a better h for some lucky woman. While I hope it's you, I can't control that. You do what you need to do..."
AND THEN LEAVE the room with a comment like 'I have To go...(and if she probes you for where and why and with whom, you simply have a lot of work/hobby/errands/reading to do.
"But I'll see you later!" and in a positive upbeat manner, you get the heck out. Let her stew on that 180! Do not wait for more from her AFTER you say your piece.
Also, SHE TOLD YOU she's fearful you'll revert to your old ways in time. LISTEN to that. So you need to show her (with actions and time, NOT words & backslides) that this is the new improved you, for real.
Do NOT move out. SHE can if she "wants" that. Why would YOU move, when she's the one who wants out?
"I'm sorry you feel that way" if you've heard it before. You are at the beginning of your journey of being your own man. It is important to know your own answers to the important questions and act consistent with those. Do I want to divorce? Do I want to move out? When she speaks, you listen, validate, think about what she has said for a while and make your own decision based on what is best for you moving forward.
In regards to space, do you have a spare living area or bedroom? If so, can you comfortably spend more time there and out of your wife's sight? If not, go for for a walk or find something else to do outside the house. You can create space without moving out. It will take some discipline though, much like those text messages.
Your interactions sound positive today. Hopefully you can start to see little signs that this stuff sound crazy but it works. You leave her alone and she'll come to you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
seriously...WE ALL READ IT and I had 3 kids around me at the time. And a job...
this apparently would be a 180 for you, yes?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My wife has been calling this number since last week and I called it and found out it was a guy.. I confronted her and she kept lieing and saying it wernt and then she said she wants a divorce and wants me out in 2 weeks.. wtf.. now what do I do.. shall I just go and hope my absence makes her heart fonder because until this she was thinking about it still.
How would I validate if she said "I want a divorce"? I would say "I completely understand why you would feel that way. I didn't treat you with the respect that you deserved, and I hurt you deeply- I regret that." End. Don't keep jabbering. That's it. Let her feel understood- that's what she needs, not you trying to make excuses, or continue on with "...but, I....."!
When you can validate her statements while not letting yourself to fall into the pattern you have of justifying yourself or pleading your case, then your DB Kung Fu is strong. .
As for buying a car, thinking that will bring you together- don't be a sucker. That's an immature "fix it quick and easy" way of thinking. A car won't being you together, neither will a child nor any other "thing" you can think of. For her, it's emotional, pure and simple. She does not love you, and when you don't love someone you feel trapped and that you have to get out. She's in escape mode. The best that you can hope for is that you can get a hold of yourself, make yourself strong and emotionally attractive, and make small "deposits" into her love bank until she starts to like you again. It's a long process: come to peace with that.
It's no surprise to me that there is someone else in the picture. The way she was deceptive in her texts (avoiding directly answering questions about seeing anyone else, not "trusting herself" etc.) plus her lying about where she was spelled it right out to me. Trust me, you will make no progress until that ends.
My wife has been calling this number since last week and I called it and found out it was a guy.. I confronted her and she kept lieing and saying it wernt and then she said she wants a divorce and wants me out in 2 weeks.. wtf.. now what do I do.. shall I just go and hope my absence makes her heart fonder because until this she was thinking about it still.
What was your goal in confronting her?
Why does this change your course of action AT ALL?
Finally, what CHOICE do you have anyhow? Mope and hope???
OR work on yourself to become the man you want/need to become?
Also, for God's sake, learn to STFU....please. You need some self control. Why didn't you come here after learning of this, but BEFORE confronting?
Come on, get back on the saddle and DB for real....or give up. I guess that's a choice...or is it?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
How would I validate if she said "I want a divorce"? I would say "I completely understand why you would feel that way. I didn't treat you with the respect that you deserved, and I hurt you deeply- I regret that." End. Don't keep jabbering. That's it. Let her feel understood- that's what she needs, not you trying to make excuses, or continue on with "...but, I....."!
When you can validate her statements while not letting yourself to fall into the pattern you have of justifying yourself or pleading your case, then your DB Kung Fu is strong. .
As for buying a car, thinking that will bring you together- don't be a sucker. That's an immature "fix it quick and easy" way of thinking. A car won't being you together, neither will a child nor any other "thing" you can think of. For her, it's emotional, pure and simple.
Click to reveal..
She does not love you, and when you don't love someone you
Yikes, I don't believe WE know how SHE feels....nor would I ever tell someone this. Maybe it's just me but it seems like a majorly defeatist attitude, with a big does of mind reading.
but it's clear she isn't in the mood to give you any reassurances. I happen to believe most people who were once in love, enough to MARRY, don't stop loving so fast. But there are other emotions covering that love up right now, like frustration and anger and disappointment.
The only choice you have now, regardless of whether you think the m can be saved, is to BECOME A MAN ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE, and stfu.
Seriously, this is your last lap and if you cannot handle it, if you really cannot sustain change for a full 48 hours.....
then she may feel she is better off with someone who can control themselves better, and you know, cope.
But I'm sorry you are hurt. I know it stinks, but I cannot see how this changes things. I mean, if you feel it's a full on physical affair AND IF you don't think you can ever get past this, then move on. NO choice....but you still need to make those changes.
And if you believe you might be able to move past a possible affair, then you still need to stfu and make those changes.
See, ^^^?? Same course of action for YOU regardless...
feel trapped and that you have to get out. She's in escape mode. The best that you can hope for is that you can get a hold of yourself, make yourself strong and emotionally attractive, and make small "deposits" into her love bank until she starts to like you again. It's a long process: come to peace with that.
It's no surprise to me that there is someone else in the picture. The way she was deceptive in her texts (avoiding directly answering questions about seeing anyone else, not "trusting herself" etc.) plus her lying about where she was spelled it right out to me. Trust me, you will make no progress until that ends.
-hs
I feel as if that approach^^ is an excuse to play the victim and not look in the mirror.
You will make no progress in your life without changing YOURSELF, which is the only person you control. Worrying about when her affair ends will get you nowhere.
You have NO control over that, but you do control yourself. You can become the better choice.
Spend NO TIME thinking of OM. That's beneath the new, improved you, right?
No pleading or begging for reassurance. GIVE DBing a CHANCE!!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
. 