Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Wife in MLC and getting ready to leave #5

Thanks everyone,
Just a really bad morning talking to my D's and hearing what my W said and didn't say. I told my D14 that I tried as hard as I could to avoid her having to go through this. She said the most impressive thing "Maybe that just means that there was nothing you could do". She's a smart kid and I'm very proud of her. She told me that her mom told her that she will be spending 7 and 7 days with her and me. Of course that isn't yet determined and she left out that she has a say in where she goes and when. My W thinks she is going to get everything SHE wants in this from custody arangements to where my D14 goes to school. She is being unrealistic in what she has been saying and of course there's the fact that she will need to leave my D with her "friends" when she needs to go away for her work.

I've been trying to be "available" for my W through this but so far all that seems to have done is make her think she will get whatever she thinks is the right thing. Trouble is I don't believe for a moment my W has anything but her own interests in mind, not what's best for our D! Nothing she has said or done makes me think anything but her sole concern is herself and her father. She is going away this weekend to be with him and this is not a good time for this to happen. I told my D that her mom left out some important details such as she will soon need to decide where she will live most of the time. I explained to her that I will always be in her life and available to her. She knows this is true and has seen that has been the case for her entire life. Even if we aren't together, I will always be ready to help her, all she needs to do is let me know.

So many unknowns here. Will her mother bring a new person in her life? Will she be able to think clearly enough to not put her in harms way when she has our D? Does she really think she will be a better mother simply because she will be "happy" just because she is on her own? What happens if she gets even more depressed and is as bad as she has been in the past where she didn't even know if she wanted to live? My W has done this in such a bad way after saying she wanted to do things "right" to min. the hurt she causes the kids. That no longer seems to matter as long as she gets what she wants. That is very scary to me.

Hey Wonka,
My list is done except for job search. I really wanted to be able to get enough funds out of this start up to live at least a few weeks before giving up and getting a new job. I am trying my best but everything takes time and I have so much on my plate from lawyers to phone plans to talking to my D's.

My oldest left today for the next 11 days. Her mother told her she will probably be moved in her new house by then! I can't believe the speed that she has been going since her dad came and she changed her mind about what she wants to do.

At this point I'm actually thinking about asking for spousal support with my lawyer. My W knows my job sitch. She knew going in it would take time to get things going but said she supported me. I don't think that's going to be too much to ask for. Let's see how she likes having to support me even after she leaves considering I worked when she didn't for 15 years of a 20 year marriage!

You are angry because you are still trying to stop this from happening...

Let me ask you this...

Would you say that your spouse is reasonable and rational right now ???

Matt,

I think your daughters are handling this better than you are.

Some concrete things to think about...

Get a "first right of refusal" clause. That says if the custodial parent is going to be absent for a set time or longer (say 6 hours) the other parent must he offered the time with the kids before any other sort of babysitting arrangments are made.

That will ease your mind regarding her "friends" and going away.

Second, you need to let go of the control and blame. Everyone has been saying it to you. Problem is you dont think you have control issues. You do and always have.

You began this R from a position of attempting to control by marrying someone who didnt believe in D, so that you would never have to go through a divorce.

You control things here by ignoring comments and questions or offering these long explanations as a way to silence people. IF they could just understand your perspective...

You also live in fear and project negativity.

Sure this scuks. Not gonna argue that. And its scary. The unknown is scary.

However, it is only going to be as bad as you allow it to become.

Other than space, what sort of DBing have you done?

What 180's? What GAL? What?

You blame the situation for your raging emotions. You have been at this long enough that that should be calming.

I could go on but im on my phone.

I dont know if you think we are all just stupid and have no idea what we are talking about. If you do, you are wrong. In comparison to some, you actually have a pretty easy situation. Its only hard because you are choosing to make it hard.

Anyway...

Hi 2B,
I agree with what you say. The only thing that I don't agree with is pushing my W away as I have very min. interaction and what I have I try to be upbeat and not let her crap get under my skin. In fact, I'm beginning to think I need to be less supportive as all that it has seemed to get from her is her thinking I'm going to roll over and do whatever she wants in every aspect of the D.
She needs to start understanding that this isn't some easy process where because she is getting what she thinks she wants, everyone will be better off and so very happy for her!

If she so loves her father and he has treated her like crap most of her life, maybe that's what she wants to be treated like. Maybe that's where I went wrong. I should have been demanding and dismissive and told her what she needs to do in order for her to be in MY life like he did. Seems to have worked well for him!

Ditto those comments.
Made me think. The entire future is uncertain. Thinking you know how it will be because you controlled some details (choice of spouse for example) is an illusion. People drop dead, jobs get lost, houses foreclose, and the people who suffer those can throw up their hands and fall into the fetal position or not. I believe you may have felt you could keep everything safe and secure by controlling as much as possible in your environment. Your girls are learning, and you should, how to be OK with uncertainty, with the knowledge that whatever it is, you'll handle it to the best of your ability and that will be good enough.

Matt,

I am going to gently bring you to reality here.



^^ What are your priorities? Your W ins't going to pay you palimony. You've got to depend on yourself and your own income.

Chat with the lawyer takes only..what...20 minutes a week, if at all.

Chat with your Ds takes maybe 1 to 2 hours a day after school.

What do you do with the rest of your time?

It is all on you on HOW motivated you are with job prospects. Have you gone to any of the networking nights in your town? Called up your former colleagues?

You really need to devote some time each day on these contacts. Put down a block of time in your day on the job search. It just doesn't fall on to your lap from the sky.

Cat,
Thanks for the First Right of Refusal clause info. VERY helpful. As for 180's and GAL's I've done many. I stopped doing the things that I had been for years. I went from trying to include my W in everything I did with the kids to just doing them although she knew she was always welcome to come along. I stopped even once asking her where she was going or even caring. I gave her NOTHING but space and support only if she asked. I never once lost my temper no matter what crap she wanted to spew my way. (There were a couple times that I did lose my temper but only when it was something huge like the filing after she said she wasn't going to ( 5 days after) and when it concerned my D14 being sent away 1000 miles for more than a month ALONE to live out of state with her father).

I've been going out and doing things with a couple meetup groups and am going again tonight. I spend my time with my kids, never ask my W to spend time with me for any reason. Of course I also let her get away with asking me to "help" her and did way too many things she should have been doing herself. Heck I even stopped trying to defend myself when she started to spew at me about how I did this or that wrong and just agreed I could have done it differently. I stopped getting involved in her arguments with the girls, even when she would say "Tell your D that she needs to _____" and let her work it out herself.

You have to keep in mind, cat, that my W went from not filing, saying we need to go together to find what school in what area would be best before she left, in no hurry at all, to filing (knowing I didn't have money for my own lawyer), renting a house in a certain school district (one SHE thought was good but I doubt that was her biggest concern), refinancing a car she has no right to under the terms of her own D petition, cutting me off from any money AFTER not telling me and losing hundreds of $'s of the money I would now need to live and my using what little money I had to pay her bills and putting herself as primary custodian of our D on the petition, all in less than 10 days!

I have no control and haven't for a long time so that is an issue. Cat picking someone who shares the same values when it comes to things like D isn't "control", it's choosing someone who shares the same values. To me whether or not you think marriage is something you think is disposable on a whim isn't control anymore than someone picking someone who is the same religion.

Far from ignoring comments, I try to answer EVERYONE who posts, long or short and try not to dismiss anything out of hand.

Hard not to live in fear when you never know what is coming next especially when it concerns someone I know is not of sound mind AND they are now wanting to have total control over my D's life but claims she didn't "know" what was in the D petition and by the way, you don't need to get a lawyer. Someone who I really doubt can take care of herself and her D on her own in any way that is healthy considering what she has done over the last couple years. (Stopped cooking meals, working late or going out with her friends almost every night, missing school meetings, not being able to pick up even one of the girls and then telling me I spend too much time at home, when was I supposed to go out when she couldn't be bothered being there for them), losing so much weight she looks like she is dying and constantly saying she feels like she IS dying, can't function without meds for her depression anxiety but says that will all just stop as soon as she moves out because her Dr. said so. Let's not get into the typical MLC stuff like changing history, spending all the money, blaming, etc.

I certainly don't think anyone here is stupid or has no idea what they are talking about but you really seem to think that I do. It's not hard because I'm choosing to make it hard, it's hard because of the speed things are moving and the fact that I didn't have enough prepared in time. That's on me because I should have known not to trust that she would do whatever she said she would and the fact that I haven't had the time I need since I realized just how far she was going so fast.

Listen cat, I do appreciate everyone here, including you. It does seem that you and I have some fundamental differences in our belief systems about everyone having the "right" to make whatever choice they want for whatever reason and no matter who gets hurt or how that goes against what they swore to do or not do it's OK. Believing that D is wrong unless every attempt is made to save the marriage or in abuse situations. There is nothing wrong with this as I respect your opinion and your right to have it and express it. It doesn't make you wrong or me right. I just would never choose to spend my life with someone who believes differently than I do and when the person I did live with for almost 25 years goes from one extreme to the opposite, can't give a coherent reason AND seems hell bent on destroying everything we both worked our butts off for for 20 years, it brings out the negative in me.

Please remember I just had one D crying in my arms 2 days ago and the other, younger one doing the same this morning. I have had a really bad couple weeks, nothing calming about that.

Dont be less supportive

Figure out how to be supportive without feeling like crap.

You must work together for your D's.

If my H and I did not have our son, I would not even be standing not in this current situation. I would leave totall detach until H figured out what he needed/wanted to do.

Kids in the picture changing the whole game (for me anyway)

Be your W friend, co parent, focus on that only as it relates to your W

Hi adinva,
You are very right about all those uncertainties and I have had some of those very same things happen in the past and come out it fine. Believe me, my life hasn't been charmed up until now. The one thing I have always thought I could count on has been my family (that includes my W). In a world of uncertainties, it was the one thing I always counted on and saw as unbreakable. You really don't know how strongly my W held her belief about never divorcing right up until B-day. She was almost militant about it. When she was still invested in our M and depended on me she held onto that very tight. It wasn't until after her depression and MLC that it changed.

Yes, I know that it DID change and I now must deal with that. It has been much harder I think to believe it would get this far because of what I talked about above. But you are right. Hard or not, what must be done, must be done. Maybe it's time that I went to see if I need some help as I'm starting to think I may becoming depressed myself as I have times where I just can't even think straight and that isn't me!