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Journaling...

So last time I put out here that I wanted something from H (to invite me to do something with him like go to lunch), he did it within a day of my posting it. Maybe I was inadvertently implementing the goal setting aspect of DBing and subconsciously behaved my way to achieving it since I put it out there.

Or maybe it was just coincidence.

Anyways, it's worth trying again. What do I have to lose?

My next two goals are:
*H to begin calling me on occasion (instead of mostly txt/email). I have been purposely calling him when I have something to discuss rather than txt/email but he has not really been initiating calls.
*H to begin to show some physical interest in me, e.g., touch my hand or leg; initiate a kiss

Reflecting a lot on the anger issue and it really, really worries me. Initially when BD I was so hurt, that overwhelmed the anger. But lately I've felt more and more angry and like I really want to lash out at H. Intellectually I know this is counterproductive but I don't trust myself. I'm not sure why the anger is surfacing so much now. I suppose I am getting more and more frustrated as time passes. I can't help but get my hopes up as he warms to me and then inevitably I am let down because he's still not really interested in fully reconciling. I think he's taking steps, very little baby steps, towards reconciling but obviously not fully there yet. It's really frustrating. I will have to work really, really hard to get myself into a PMA. I see H today for D's pre-school graduation and we might go to dinner afterwards. While I think spending time together serves to draw him in I am starting to question if it's good for my own mental health. Inevitably it gets my hopes up, then I am let down, then the anger comes. I have been good about not unleashing on H thus far but it's definitely a very precarious situation.

MDU,



Focus on the positive. Your frustration stems from your own impatience at the pace of H's reconnection to you. The M fell apart over time and it will take time for Humpty to be put back together. One piece at a time. There's a million of them on the floor.

Sit on the discomfort and talk to yourself on why you're feeling so much frustration, anger, and impatience. Dig deep and work through them one by one.

Then start focusing on the positives. The more you focus on them, more it expands. That's the Law of Attraction.

I'd like to circle back to your 'goals' in your previous posting. It is all about H and you cannot control H's actions. Scratch them. Write the goals that are about you because that's within your control.

Mdu, my IC warned me of resentment building towards W and it's starting to surface for me as well. I agree with you that as time goes by, I've become more frustrated and at times, feel like I need to just unleash all my anger, disappointment, etc on W. I do find myself acting cold towards W at times, which I suppose is better than lashing out, but does not portray who I want to be.

What's helped me is something I read a while back that basically said during this time, 1 of us has to be the bigger person. It's a lot easier to get sucked into an arguement or to lash out than it is to be calm and collected when we've been hurt. I try to be that bigger person as much as I can, understanding that W is going through her own problems. It's difficult, I feel your pain. Try to maintain that PMA!

I'd like to circle back to your 'goals' in your previous posting. It is all about H and you cannot control H's actions. Scratch them. Write the goals that are about you because that's within your control.

Haha. I so knew someone would call me out on this! Although I must admit that I am a bit confused because in the DBing book it seems a lot of goals do read this way (about the other person). Then I thought that well maybe that's the difference between goals versus the actions I will take to achieve those goals. So if one of my goals is to physically re-attrack H then obviously being angry, hostile, cold is not going to help me with that goal. So anger management becomes a key action to achieve my overarching goal. Does that make sense?

Tarheel, thanks so much for jumping in! Very helpful perspective. One thing I wrote down in my journal (and need to remind myself)is that our family needs a leader and I need to be that leader. "Be the change you wish to see in the world" ;-)

Gearing up for yet another encounter with H. Tonight is D's pre-school graduation. We had briefly discussed going to dinner togehter with the kids (plus his older kids) after the graduation. He had suggested it but we haven't made firm plans (this is not at all unlike H, even pre-A, I'm usually the driver WRT plan making). Anyway, I need to keep myself focused on why I'm there and the most important thing....i.e, D's graduation!!! But I know as soon as it's over my stomach will be in knots wondering if we're going to dinner and what's happening next. We're also supposed to meet for lunch tomorrow, just the two of us.

I'm having more and more mixed feelings about these little get togethers. They tend to get my hopes up and send me into a bit of a tailspin afterwards. This makes me think that it's good H and I are physically separated. At some point that will have to come to a head. I can't imagine H will want to stay at his Dad's/Stepmom's forever so either he'll ask to move back home (and I'll put my conditions out there, i.e., full transparency plan) or he'll start making plans for an apartment which will be a pretty clear sign that things are headed toward D. I suspect end of summer will be a pivotal time. D will be done with full time daycare so we'll have more money available to support 2 homes if H wants to go that route.

I guess in the meantime I will try my best to keep a PMA and use these times together as opportunities to show H the new/improved MDU. And really, in the grand scheme of things what's another 2-3 months?

Of course now someone will ask...and what will I do IF the end of summer comes and goes and there's no change (i.e., H is still staying at his Dad's). Well, I guess I'll reevaluate then. But for now, barring no new info, my goal is to try to hang until then. It's SO tough, though.

MDU,

Let me address your response to the goals component.

I'm willing to work with you if you're willing to sweat over this. Let's take this one as a starting point:

So if one of my goals is to physically re-attract H then obviously being angry, hostile, cold is not going to help me with that goal.


Goal breakdown:
-Dress up (new dress or new shoes or different lipstick..hair a bit different style...new perfume)
-Be calm and serene around H
-Act lighthearted around H (act like a new GF with him)
-Give resentment the stiff-arm and say "no, stay put!"
-Be in the moment with H during each and every interaction

MDU,

But I know as soon as it's over my stomach will be in knots wondering if we're going to dinner and what's happening next.

What would you do as a Mom under those circumstances? The dinner is to celebrate D's graduation, right? What would your Mom hat tell ya?

We're also supposed to meet for lunch tomorrow, just the two of us.


Great! This is a great opportunity to dress up as sexy MDU with new perfume.

At some point that will have to come to a head.

You've got to find a way to quiet down the impatient voice in your head. It is all impatience.

I can't imagine H will want to stay at his Dad's/Stepmom's forever so either he'll ask to move back home (and I'll put my conditions out there, i.e., full transparency plan) or he'll start making plans for an apartment which will be a pretty clear sign that things are headed toward D.

Pure speculation and stinkin' thinkin'. Stop it. Where's your rubber band?!

And really, in the grand scheme of things what's another 2-3 months?

You're tripping up with this illusive deadline. Wow. Why 2 months or 3 months? Remove the so-called deadline. Then you'll be truly free and I suspect it will relieve you of the internal impatience & anxiety. It is all on you. See how this self-imposed "deadline" of yours is tripping you up mentally and emotionally?

Love, love, love these Wonka! I'm a very tactical person by natural. This really helps me! Thanks so much for your time and thoughts!!!