Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy In house separation?

Thanks again Wonka. Got it. Oh I'll make him *think* about what he's missing. My friends are jokingly calling me easy breezy MDU. ;-)


Is it bad that the competitive side of me is all like GAME ON!

Understandable, MDU, to get those competitive juices flowing. Truthfully...there's no competition at all. You're the real prize here and don't you forget this, sweetie!

XOW is nothing. Nothing. She can compete with a dust mite for all I care!

Had a great evening, H had the kids tonight so I did some volunteer work. The best GAL is to volunteer, gives me such positive perspective.

Now if I could get my butt up early to go for a run like I keep telling myself I will I would really be on a roll...

Just reflecting on how much H responds to my mood/attitude when I see/speak to him. I don't know what to make of this and it seems very counter to DBing because in my case pulling away really seems to work against me. The only thing I can think is he truly felt so rejected by me for so long that he's struggling to go 'first' and feels the need to get the green light from me. Whenever I call and as long as I keep my voice warm and upbeat he's VERY receptive and even a bit flirty (his voice gets sweeter and softer and he's gigglely). Generally the same when I see him in person. It's hard because I keep feeling like he should be purusing ME, and he is to some degree, but I guess I keep thinking it should be ALL on him. But maybe that's just not going to work in my case.

Of course with the big stuff (i.e., moving back in and working on the M) I will definitely wait for HIM to initiate that.

Anyway, just reflecting as I will see him again in about an hour for a kid event. Mentally preparing..

"The only thing I can think is he truly felt so rejected by me for so long that he's struggling to go 'first' and feels the need to get the green light from me. Whenever I call and as long as I keep my voice warm and upbeat he's VERY receptive and even a bit flirty (his voice gets sweeter and softer and he's giggly)."

Yes! ^^^ Me too!

That's why I have to be very careful about going too dark.

I did that a couple of times and he just dropped off the planet.
He later said he thought I hated him. (Not an impression I want to give.)

Now I only go dim/dark when I have to in order to keep my cool.
Which is pretty often. But I only do it for a day or two, however long is needed.
And I do it FOR ME, not to get a reaction from him.


But he shuts down completely if I don't offer a little honey in response to his efforts, so I have to keep the lines open, if inactive.

By "honey", I mean exactly what you said:
Be warm, a bit flirty, upbeat, casual. My H also needs to know it's "safe" before he proceeds.
Granted, he has been ripped a new one many times since this started.
(And never, ever before that in our entire R, so I think he was shocked.)

He has to feel good vibes and no fear of bad ones whenever he interacts with me. It has to be a positive experience.
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Hey, I just realized, this is a lot like Dog Obedience Training:
(No, I am NOT saying all men are like dogs.)

Picture what you want, not what you don't want, focus on the outcome you desire, be clear, be consistent, accept they will make mistakes and on some days they will act like they haven't learned a thing but two weeks later it sinks in and they surprise you with how much they've picked up, release tension, be kind, reward the positive, ignore the negative, timing is everything, reward with things THEY value, quit on a positive note, don't push too hard too fast, every dog is different, always let them run through what they can handle to build their confidence before you ask them to try something new, make sure you are not intimidating or threatening, build the trust, keep the expectations reasonable, keep their focus on you but understand this is WORK to them, watch your body language, tone of voice, they're really sensitive to that. Keep training sessions short, and KEEP A LOT OF SLACK IN THE LEASH!!!

Oh. That's too funny.
Maybe that's why so much of this seems familiar to me. I was a dog trainer for years....


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Right now I'm upset at something he did that I felt was bullying me since he is the breadwinner.
So I'm not at my best with him on any level at the moment.
Best for me to go into hiding until I can process and figure where I go next.

I have not initiated ANYTHING for several days and my responses are polite, light-hearted, but brief.
When he is here, I have stayed away from him completely and let him do his thing.

And---Funny, I've noticed now he's texting, emailing, and even calling about all these little things. They are SOoooo IMPORTANT all of a sudden!

(This is just a nice side-effect of my dimmer switch operation.)

One difference is I think his last maneuver with cutting off my phone plan from his (more secrecy, more lies) was kind of the last straw for me.

My attitude has changed a bit in that I'm just getting fed up with this crap.
I am getting to the point of being "done". (Someone here is referring to "sticking a fork in them" because they're done. That's what I mean. OVER IT. Ready to move on. At least, today, hahahaha. )

And maybe that's getting communicated to him.

(Ya THINK? )


I think acting detached and being detached are two different things.

So I'm "faking it until I make it", as they say.


----GG

Went to S’s event at school. H was there, of course. I walked away SO angry. Why? Why? Why? Why, can’t we just focus on reconciling and becoming a family again?? I so hate this, I just want him to come home and agree to work on things! If he were fully on board I can’t imagine that we can’t make it better, better than better! We could make it great if he were committed. I don’t get where he is at. And how freaking long it’s going to take him to come around. I know, I know, it’s a marathon not a sprint. Yada, yada, yada. Why doesn’t he do the right thing and stop putting his family through this???

Ok, ok…end of rant. I’ll try to get myself back into a PMA. Just ate a giant cookie, hoping that will help…(I know, not likely)

You mentioned that you were going to maybe get some help for your anger. Have you signed up yet?

I did signup for something online and quickly got discouraged as it seems pretty weak. Although to be fair I have just skimmed the info thus far, not really worked hard and delved into it so maybe it will be better than my initial impression. But I may have to find something more intensive and/or in person. Gosh I hate how much $$ I keep dumping lately!

"I did signup for something online and quickly got discouraged as it seems pretty weak. "

So in other words, you don't think the anger issue is that important, even though your anger has been an issue for you and your H. Why would your H stay with you if he's afraid you'll fly off the handle at any moment?

I think it is important, MrBond. I am reading the course materials right now. I appreciate the push.