Georgiabelle, this is how it played out: right before Easter, we had been to dinner with some business clients of his. After dinner, on the way home, I asked him why he wasn't wearing his wedding band. He didn't have a good answer. I asked him to put it back on. He said, "We'll see." It went downhill from there. He said he "wasn't happy." I asked if there was someone else, asked if he was sleeping with her. Yes, and yes. He didn't answer quite that clearly, but it was obvious enough. Said he wanted to try a separation, I said no, I wanted to go to counseling. I was completely blindsided and used that to buy time. So here were are, he still lives in the house, we share a bed, the kids know nothing, and I'm posting on a divorce site.
No, we didn't really spend a lot of alone time. Most of our time together was with the kids, at their sporting events, at family dinners, etc. We would occasionally do something just the two of us which was always pleasant imo. It's still pleasant spending time with him, we don't fight, have interesting if meaningless conversations.
I realize that he's completely shut down and not really trying at counseling, I see it as a way to buy time. I feel like as long as he's in the house and the kids don't know, then I can forgive him whatever he's done. If he walks and our kids are crushed, that might be a breaking point for me.
He now says that his main complaints were 1) the house was not clean enough, the main culprit being my closet. MY closet, not his, not the rest of the house. It was in fact a mess for a while, but looked great when all this happened. And 2) over the years my weight has gone up and down. Yes it has, although I've never been truly overweight except post-pregnancy, and I've been at a normal weight consistently for a couple of years. I don't mean to dismiss his issues, but these sound like pretty flimsy excuses to me. There's more to it, I just don't know what it is.
They do to me, too! Grrrrr!!!!!
How was your sex life? (sorry to be so personal, but hey, it's an anonymous message board, lol)
I probably would save my $$$$ on MC. If your h doesn't want the marriage to work and isn't committed to the M, you will get a greater return on your investment playing slot machines in Vegas. I would take that money and use towards IC.
Buy time for what? I suggest forgetting about figuring out your h. That's for him to do. And whether he does it or not, no one knows.
3 weeks apart can be a very good thing for you. Your M as you know it is dead. Put a fork in it. I don't say that to be harsh--just an honest assessment.
Is your h involved with the kids?
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I realize that he's completely shut down and not really trying at counseling, I see it as a way to buy time. I feel like as long as he's in the house and the kids don't know, then I can forgive him whatever he's done. If he walks and our kids are crushed, that might be a breaking point for me.
What are the sexes if your three children? 18, 16 and 11 are incredibly formative years for how they are going to relate to the opposite sex, and how they are going to manage conflict going forward in their lives. How you handle this will play a huge role in their future success. I'm not telling you what to do here (none of us can), but the above is NOT just another way of saying "stay together for the sake of the kids." I'm extremely pro-marriage, I saved mine (my wife had an affair 7 years ago) and the reason I still spend time here is to pay it forward, as it were. However, you do have to teach your kids how to lay and enforce personal boundaries, and how to handle conflict. They are among the most important lessons you can teach them.
Have either of the older two asked you anything about what's going on?
Starsky is so wise. My kids are 11, 9 and 4 and I can tell you they pick up on the way their dad treats me. I have many questions fired my way and sometimes I don't know the answer. Heck, my 11 yr old said h didn't deserve me. I was shocked. I'm not sure why I was surprised he said that. What am I showing them?
Your kids are older and you want to be very careful. They see so much more than they may let on to.....think about that. Also, in regards to "if he walks that may be a breaking point." He has already walked-just not physically. Just my 2 cents.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Also, in regards to "if he walks that may be a breaking point." He has already walked-just not physically.
Yep. BINGO.
You are getting some great advice. I also just wanted to point out that you don't have to decide today what will cause you to stop standing. If you had asked me three years ago, I would have told you that I would never have put up with the crap that my H put me through. You never know how you will feel until you are faced with the situation.
You guys ask tough questions! Uncomfortable, but exactly what I need. Thanks.
Starsky, the sex life was solid. I was never one to have a headache. In fact, it's one of the things H mentioned as a positive as he was listing his grievances about the messy closet and extra lbs. The last couple of months had been less frequent, I wrote that off as his travel schedule and a big stressful business deal. Yes, I am naïve.
I know he has walked away mentally, but not physically, and that's important to me because of the kids. I really don't want them to know unless he actually leaves our home. He's a great involved dad and I think they'll be crushed that he doesn't want to live with us anymore, especially the 11D (kids are 18S, 16D, and 11D.) If any of them suspect anything, no one has hinted. Truly, we get along very well, and things seem normal.
Why am I buying time? I don't know. Waiting for a miracle, I suppose. For him to come to his senses? For the fantasy of the affair to wear off and reality to set in? It seems like the right thing to do. It was my initial response because I was so surprised that "don't let the door hit you" didn't seem like the right thing to say. Now I guess it's about not rocking the boat with the kids and seeing what happens next.
I appreciate all the responses, you are giving me a lot of things to think about and obviously I need to do some soul searching. Fortunately, I'll have two weeks apart from H to come up with some answers.
I would encourage you to do some reading about affairs. They are HIGHLY addictive; the endorphins (PEAs) that wash over a cheater's brain even show up on CAT scans.
And I don't know of many (any?) addictions that just end on their own. In fact, most escalate, and do a lot of damage along the way.
My wife and I went to a small-group, in-home parenting series once at some friends' house. And the woman on the videotape (yeah, we used to have videotapes back then, lol!) said something very wise that has always stuck with me. When presented with how strict-vs.-lenient to be with her then-teen daughter, she would tell her daughter "I care more about what the 25 year old Lindsay thinks than what the 15 year old one does."
She explained to her daughter that she didn't want her 25 year old self coming to her mom, 10 years from now, saying some version of "WHAT THE H*LL WERE YOU THINKING LETTING ME DO THAT??!"
Your daughter is at a VERY formative age for how she is going to relate to men, and how she will "teach" people to treat her. I don't need an answer from you right now, but I'd encourage you to strongly ponder:
How would you counsel the 26-year old version of your married daughter, if she came and confided to you the same situation that you and her father are in right now? What would you tell her to do?
