Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy In house separation?

MDU,

I wanted to bring this back from your most recent thread:



H is thinking about YOU! I think you would want to keep the road paved smooth for him to find his way back home. And you cannot rush this vital component in the reconciliation phase otherwise it'll all fall apart fast.

Before you put in the transparency plan in place, I need ask this question: Is there an OW? What's happening with the OW, if there's indeed one?

The answer to that question will aid me (and Puppy aka Starsky) in assisting you with the next steps. Yeah, I'm yanking Puppy to this thread as my tag-team member.

You have a lot of positives going for you and you really need to focus on that instead of engaging in navel gazing.

mdu

Your plan sounds doable.

It's hard to pretend things don't bother us when they do, sometimes deeply.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and my H can read me like a book. I don't think I could work my DBing plan full time--yet. He sees everything I'm feeling and that works against me.

I re-read your sitch a bit more...

So your H is done with the OW, but do you have "proof"?
And you still have no way to continue to verify NC, am I correct?

So a transparency plan is something you'd need to feel comfortable with having him in the house, as well as a promise for him to not to get involved with anyone else, and account for his whereabouts, etc.

Generally be responsible and respectful, but without a commitment to reconcile at that time. (I understand that it generally takes them a while to feel that they're ready to reconcile, but that the desire to be around is a very good sign.)

Sounds fair to me. Shouldn't be too difficult for him if he plans to be honest.

I guess it's a "bottom line" thing. What do you want and what will you compromise on?
And what will you do if he breaks the agreement?

That's important too.
You need to be able to stick to your guns on that one.

Sure, it's a lot easier to get along" together if you're doing your PMA, 180, GAL... but it can be exhausting!
(And deep down, there's that feeling of "He's the one who cheated and here I am doing all the work!" Like you're getting another ten rounds in the ring on top of it. What am I, Rocky Balboa????)

I know that it's normal for them to take time to feel like they're ready to be "back". Whether or not it's good for them to come back before they're ready is for someone else to say...or maybe for YOU to say for yourself.

Doing it in the same house is awesome IF you can handle it and the results are positive.

In my case, it would be so much easier for both of us, for the animals, if he were here.
But even if he's ready and willing to meet my boundaries, I realized that I'm not ready.

Not yet, anyway.

Hang in there!


--GG

Hi Wonka, thanks so much for jumping in!

As for OW, yes there was an OW but H supposedly ended it with her when I originally busted and confronted him 3 months ago. Initially we tried to reconcile and briefly things seemed to really go well and he was doing all the 'right' things. But then he took a turn, pulled away and his demeanor became really cold. It will went down hill until a final MC appt where I laid out that while H was stating that he wanted to work on the M his actions were proving otherwise. I felt we should not continue MC because it was a waste and we shouldn't even be living together. The MC completely agreed, H did not fight it and left that day to go stay at his Dad's/Stepmom's. That was a little over a month ago. The first couple weeks were tense but lately he has really been warming to me.

Specifically regarding transparency, I copied and pasted what I wrote in another thread (I think to Train):

I feel like we never fully got there (when initially trying to reconcile). I thought initially we were doing well in terms of transparency. I had the password to H's phone and phone records. Whenever I questioned where he was he was right on top of it. Once he even took a picture of his work phone to verify that he was indeed at work speaking to a colleague for the past 30 minutes. He seemed to do a lot that appeared like he was being open. The MC seemed good with it too.

Then I came here and folks were really on the fact that the transparency plan was really not nearly thorough enough. Truthfully, I felt really confused about the 'right' thing. Posters had strong opinions, MC had a different opinion, then I spoke to DBing coach who had a third opinion. I did do some snooping and came up with nada. But I hated it, it felt so wretched to me.

Also, at that point, his behavior was enough to signal that something was NOT right so I didn't really feel I needed anymore info anyway. As I said, I have no idea if he was actually back in touch with her or not. I feel like I need to assume that he likely had some sort of contact. But it also could have been withdrawals the entire time. I often wonder if I will ever get to the point of knowing the truth.

Hope that all helps! Appreciate the input!

GG, you laid out all my thoughts and feelings at this point precisely!

Also, good reminders that realistically it take time for them to be ready to come back. It's tough, I'm definitely way too inpatient!

One thing that is helping me tonight is I keep reminding myself that since having the kids (and working FT) things have gotten so hectic. I've always wanted some time to myself to get some things done around the house. Now I finally have it so why the heck am I whining and NOT taking advantage of it???!!!

H invited me to lunch again this week. We're going on Thursday. We also have D's preschool graduation on Weds eve. Some nice opportunities to continue to connect and show H the new, improved, FAB Mdu!

MDU, you are at a perfect position to turn things around. Be careful!
They are still at home and things are salvageable.
With you in sight, you have the greatest opportunity to show them genuine lasting change.

Wish you all the very best1

MDU,

Your game plan is to re-attract H you. Dress up a bit more flirty-ish and really make H think about you. Keep those interactions short such as 1 hour lunch then you two go back to your respective places.

Listen to H like a lover...validate, full-on eye contact, and be supportive. Zip it about your gazillion problems at the home with kiddie snot etc.

There will be fits and starts on the XOW front as there will be times when she'll try to suck H back into the affair. If not, then H will most probably be experiencing OW-withdrawal pangs. Like a drug addict trying to quit heroin.

Patience will be on your side and use it wisely.

You've got this!!

BTW...have you read any of Train's recent threads?

Where's the Puppy!!?? Calling out Puppy!

Last I heard, he'd moved to Montana and become a bit of a recluse, his only amusements being "running with scissors" and "pulling the tags off of all of the mattresses." He'd written a book called Foot Rubs Won't Get You Laid -- Just a Wife with Rubbed Feet, and was writing another of old Polish proverbs.

Smart ass, Puppy!

His advice pretty much sukked anyway.