Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy In house separation?

Prior thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2456382#Post2456382

So H and I had a conversation about possibly trying an in house separation. Not necessarily immediately but maybe in a few weeks. We're toying with the idea anyway. Wondering if anyone has experience with this (after a physical separation)? I know we'd have to be REAL clear with purpose and conditions. The biggest downside is I would lose my biggest point of leverage by allowing H back in the house when he has not fully agreed to reconciling. It still would be a separation for sure. He clearly still wants some space and really I should keep some distance anyway to work on my own 'stuff'. We have a big enough house that he could stay down in our basement family room, separate bed, bathroom, etc.

I would definitely have conditions including continued no contact with OW but since we would not be agreeing to fully reconcile not sure I would demand a full transparency plan at this point. But I would gain more time with and access to my kids and more opportunity for he and I to connect and show him changes. We both agreed that it's a challenge for he and I to try to reconnect and work on things not physically living together so this was a *possible* solution we're contemplating.

Any thoughts/experiences most welcome.

mdu,

My sitch is similar. Although my H has not mentioned this in a while, he is working every weekend creating an "apartment" in the basement. There are TONS of other things to do to get the house ready for refinancing/settlement/sale.
The basement bathroom is finished. He is now showering down there before he leaves after chores.
(FYI: He has filed but it can't be finalized unless I consent until after a two year separation.)

He keeps saying things like: "Well, now the bathroom is fully functional."
(And....? I just say "Great. Looks nice.") What? Does he want me to invite him back? Who knows? He won't say.

He initially said he wanted to live there until, he's not sure, no real plans, even as to why he wanted to live here when he wanted a divorce....?
He can afford to get his own place. I've even given him leads on reasonable places nearby. He's not interested, at least right now.

I think he want to live here even AFTER he gets his divorce!
(Not gonna happen, but since there are no R talks, I have no idea. But things he's said lead me to believe this is still his fantasy-land picture.)

Concerns about boundaries are what brought me to this forum.

Although it might bring him closer to returning home fully, I'm not sure I want that unless there is some thought to at least taking the D off the table and holding off on getting involved with other people, etc.

On the other hand, if he is here, it could easily stall his divorce because it will be nearly impossible to prove what he needs to in order to divorce me without my consent.

DBing says it's easier if they're living with you.
Maybe that's true if you're not walking on eggshells all the time, as I am. Right now I am NOT detached enough to be comfortable with everything he's doing, or might do.

I went through this boundary thing with my IC.
She said: "Do what will be best for your sanity and overall health."
I think she's right.

At some point we need to do what's best for US.

Playing out the various scenarios, figuring out what you can and can't live with, trying to envision how you'd feel and what you'd do if X-Y-Z were to happen.

What if he continues to see OW?
Would you throw him out? Try to grin and bear it?

What if you find out he's lying to you?
Maybe it's just a "She called me and had a question" type of breaking NC.

I think they will push the boundaries and get away with whatever they can until they have fully come back around and are ready for R.
(My opinion, not fact.)

Having a set of non-negotiables is great, except it might backfire big time.

In my case, he has a legal right to be here, but I do not have a legal obligation to make it comfortable for him if he is going to give me the doormat treatment.

For me, the thought of living with this guy who wants to divorce me, meanwhile pretending he's single while waiting for that to happen, rubbing my nose in his "freedom", new clothes, new bleached teeth.... I think for me that's a deal-breaker.

The first night he didn't come home I think I'd lose it, and all my DBing goes out the window.

But maybe you're more detached and more comfortable and can handle this well. If you can, then my hat is off to you!

Someone did give me some interesting advice:
"If you want a child to eat his meal, you don't "work up to it" by letting them just eat the mac 'n' cheese until they're "ready" to conquer the broccoli."
(I'm paraphrasing.) Guess who is in control then?

But every situation is different and you need to do what you can live with, and still have his respect, and your own.

Good luck and keep me posted!

It's hard to figure out how hard a line to draw in the sand, but once it's there you lose a lot of ground by moving it.

I am curious to hear how the vets weigh in here.
I am new to DBing and so I know "jack".

So take what I say with a grain of salt!

GG, for you to be new to DBing, your words are incredibly insightful. And right on point.

Thanks for chiming in GoatGal!

In my case neither one of us has filed for D. H has not said he wants a D. But he's also not sure that we can work out our M and be happy so he's hesitant all around. He insists he is done with OW and there is no contact but I have been fearful and suspicious. That would be the biggest risk, he comes to live here and is actually still involved with her behind my back. Having said that, I would clearly state I expect continued NC with OW and no dating anyone else (for either of us!), but as I mentioned not so sure I would go so far as to demand a transparency agreement as we'd still be 'separated'.

I think your point about what you can emotionally handle is excellent. That's probably the biggest thing, not sure how well I can emotionally handle being around him so much and not being completely 'together'. Although on the positive side when we are around each other it's generally quite pleasant and I think works to draw him to me. I guess my hope would be if we had an in house separation it would provide more opportunities for that positive time together. Also, I would see my kids every day. Right now he takes them about 40% of the time, which is really tough.

Mdu, I feel that your H moving home is the perfect time to break out the transparency plan. "You want to move back home? Well, I'm serious about making this work so here's what's going to happen." Yes, he may decide NOT to move back home. I feel that this outcome would be better than him moving home, pushing past boundaries and you winding up at square one with your emotions again. If he does move back home after you've broken out the transparency plan, you know he'll be making an effort.

Just remember that the rules still apply if he moves home, except now he's around you a whole lot more. More opportunities for pursuit, more mindreading, etc. I believe it's more work (which isn't a bad thing) because you're being judged more: moods, actions, inactions, appearance, listening, etc. As I saw mentioned, yes, there are more eggshells but this is where working on yourself comes into play. If you're focused on yourself and open to your partner at the same time, you become stronger, more independent and you can live your own life confidently while sharing in your partner's.

Thanks for everyone's feedback!

Barrybarn, the point of the in house separation really would not be to aggressively work on the M just yet. It would be to give us both more access to the kids and simplify things for them. Also to give us more opportunity to spend time together since we both recognize that we need some pleasant times together to reconnect. We would specifically NOT be getting into really heavy lifting around the M so I'm really not looking/expecting him to prove that. We need a more positive foundation to build on before we can go there. There's just not enough good will between us and we need opportunity to rebuild it, being physically separated makes it quite tough.

I hope that makes some sense.

GG, I definitely could NOT deal with this. But I really don't think this is my sitch. H has never said he wants a D, when directly asked he says he does NOT want a D. I can't imagine him 'playing single' either. Even though we're not living together I've seen no signs of this type of behavior. From everything he has said and done since BD (a lot of I have posted here but not every detail of course) I truly think he wants our family to stay together but he's very uncertain about his feelings for me. I think that's the biggest obstacle right now and in house separation might be a way to explore those better than physical separation. With a physical separation there is just far, far less opportunity to spend time together (esp with kids).

BTW, even though I may seem to be disputing some points I'm really not set on this at all. Just trying to think through from every possible angle. Keep the comments coming! ;-)

Just want to capture my latest thoughts on this.

After reflecting a bit more on everyone's feedback I realize that it would be very unwise of me to agree to an in house separation without H agreeing to my transparency plan. It would be crazy making for me, even if he's not gone all night the times he IS gone somewhere I would wonder. I wonder about him now but I can manage it better bc it's not 'in my face'. While I do think there would be advantages if he were here I don't think I could realistically manage the potential disadvantages without the transparency plan. It would feel like we were sweeping the A under the rug TOO much and it kind of makes me feel weak.

I'm going to leave the ball in his court right now anyway. We discussed it a bit and agreed to think about it. I'm not going to bring it up until he does. And if he does I will put the transparency plan requirement out there.

Thanks again for everyone's feedback!