Nice job Zew - although I am sure not where you would like to be ultimately you seem to be doing well!!!
Originally Posted By: zew
other than MIL and SIL will ask her what the heck she is up to and how she plans to live and provide for kids. They both like me, and they both know W is more than a little spoiled. They both think I've been good to/for W, but I also know that they will only push so much. They won't interfere too much, but they won't rescue her either.
I think this is about the best you could expect/hope for.
Stay strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Thanks, Starsky. I appreciate it. (and the 4 whistle salute you gave me yesterday!)
Nobody will ever be able to accuse me of not trying. I'm walking out of here with that one. I will always be able to tell my kids that.
W said at one point yesterday that she tried and tried and tried and now she's done. (Heard it before.) Afterward, I agreed that she had tried and I had missed it. Mea culpa. I then said that the difference now was that we were both fully awake, and now we could try, and together we could solve anything. I keep trying to give her that ray of hope so she'll take that leap of faith.
Maybe it comes off as desperation, I don't know, and yes, it's just more words. MC seems to be the only hour of the week we actually talk about any of this, so I take my shots when I can.
I have been thinking that I could never respect her decision to not try. I would never understand how you could pass up that chance when you see the commitment level the other person has, and when the only thing it costs you is time. There has to be a mighty big pile of resentment there. And it's so easy to just fill that need from OM. I have to watch myself on this one. Man, human psychology ain't easy, is it.
Nobody will ever be able to accuse me of not trying. I'm walking out of here with that one. I will always be able to tell my kids that.
***That reminded me of one of my old "Puppy" threads: "I Won't Walk Out the Loser." *(yeah, I use a lot of Springsteen lyrics, lol)
I have been thinking that I could never respect her decision to not try. I would never understand how you could pass up that chance when you see the commitment level the other person has, and when the only thing it costs you is time. There has to be a mighty big pile of resentment there. . . .
***I know -- I agree. I felt the same way in my sitch too.
OK, brace yourselves - here's that back story I owe you all...
So back here Friday, May 9 we had the "Pick the A or the M, and the bedroom goes with the M" spat. Here's the part I left out.
After posse leader left, she called W and convinced her to talk to the police. My W went to posse's house and police came over for a chat. I was at work by then.
My W thought the police would just have a talk with me to scare me. My W thought it would be simple and done. Well, unbeknownst to my W, the police filed A&B with a dangerous weapon felony charges against me. (a window is a dangerous weapon, BTW.) They came to my office, cuffed me, and perp walked me out of the building, mid afternoon.
Oh just for fun, she got a restraining order too, not for proximity, but to prevent me from talking about marital issues with kids.
The police phoned my W to say I had been arrested, and she was mortified. She had no idea what she had done. She called a friend of ours who told her how serious this was, and that I would lose my job if convicted. W had a complete meltdown. She hadn't wanted that to happen. She called the police to recant, but since the charges are brought by the state, it was out of her hands at that point.
It was while I was in holding in transit that I first called my lawyer, then called MIL to tell her I could no longer be held to the promise I made her to look after her D. That's when I broke news of the A to MIL.
So, I was booked, printed, mug shot, the works. Took a poop in a cell on a stainless steel potty, too. Cell had great acoustics, I whistled a lot of Beethoven.
Neighbor bailed me out that night. As he was driving me back to work to get my car, I told him everything. He's a good guy.
I decided to stay at a hotel that night. Had a beer or six. I had no intention of going home the next day either, but a mutual friend talked to each of us, and convinced me to answer a call from W in which she asked me to come home.
Arraigned 12 May. W came with me and vacated the restraining order. By this time she's realized that if I lose my job, she has no income, let alone no future child support. Oops. Stupid posse. And if they stick me with probation and I can't leave the state, well that's a job killer too.
I'm out on bail, so hey, no speeding, bad lane changes, jay walking, etc...
Had to wait for pre-trial Friday 13 June. Ya, Friday the 13th. L and I didn't know what to expect, all depends on DA. W invokes marital privilege (she won't testify against me). They could have made it go to trial, but DA allowed us to file for immediate dismissal. They take W away and talk to her to make sure she isn't doing this under duress, and satisfied, they allow her to invoke. I think the full moon saved me (that doesn't happen again for 35 years).
L tells judge we are in MC. Judge wishes us luck, and dismisses. Free at last, free at last.
So this is why we were in MC. It was helpful to the case. So I had to take W to 3 sessions of MC, even though I knew it would be pointless during A. Further, I couldn't get her too upset at MC, because W could do a lot of damage. On the other hand, I wanted to use MC to maybe shine some light on some issues while I had the chance. Fine line.
So after court, I thanked my W for coming through for me. Ironic, that. W says I lied to her about probation. There was no probation. I said there could have been probation. There could have been fines, jail time, probation, community service... My W is so eager to make me malicious, she has lost all ability to reason.
And you see, the posse is both vindictive and dangerous.
And there's the $4000 part. L also does D though, so I told him since he got through the case so easily, he owed me a couple of hours of D consult, to which he agreed. Oh, I will be using that.
Now ultimately, this did end the A, when OM heard about all of this. Just way too hot for him, he has no intention of ever leaving his W. Oh, ya, and those panties... It did expose W to MIL/SIL. But, as you know, W just went out and picked up OM2 a week later. So it isn't love, it's rebellion. or just plain bat-sh*t crazy.
Now as it happens, W talked to a mutual friend, who later told me, that W likes the MC, and may want to go see her alone. W likes her "because she put Zew in his place." OK, she pinned my stuff on me, which I have owned up to, but W never hears that. I like MC because she challenges W's revisionist history and the whole A as payback thing. So W may go back, with or without me, but she thinks I won't go because case is over. (W always makes up some negative crap story like this when I said nothing of the sort.) W also wanted to go back to MC alone to figure out the difference between what MC says and her T says. I can't say what that means.
On one hand, I'd like to take encouragement from the fact that she wants to continue MC, but if the A is still going, it's just not the commitment level I need.
W also told friend that she hates thought of D, but "I resent him so much now. I don't know. I don't know." Meanwhile, she's texting OM2 and OM3 like crazy. Seems to be playing both of them. She is a mess, and I cannot fix it, and if she doesn't recognize it, or want to try, then I am just wasting my time. And working through things with her would be challenging enough, but with everything reviewed and screened by posse, I have just lost all interest. I'm not a bad guy. I want an R with a person, not a whisker of shrews. (ya, ok, i had to look up that collective noun)
She goes home next weekend with kids for 2 weeks. I will inventory the house, get all the paperwork ready. Then I go away (with kids, if they'll come) for 2 weeks to my favorite of all places to make peace with myself over my next step. Then temp check and pull plug.
And a few people have asked me about separation. I guess in my situation, I just don't see any point to that. It would be like permission to eat cake more so than today. At this point, I think you're in, or you're out.
Thanks, Zew, that must have been tough to write about.....and much harder to go through it.
Easy to write about. It was surreal to go through. I was put in a situation that I would never have imagined, because of the damned posse b1tch who thinks my W has a right to make my life hell. It's like a game for them now.
Now if I have that question "Have you ever been arrested..." I can no longer say no.
It would be easy for me to hate my W now, and yet I don't. And as much as I don't want a D, I feel I have to start that process. And not because I'm running to something, but I think I have to get away from this. We're about 16 months away from 15 years. 15 years is a milestone for alimony calculations. I want to be done in front of that. W will still have time to figure things out while that clock is running, if she ever wants to.
My immediate quandary is what, if anything, I want to say to her as she leaves on vacation. I'd like to suggest is that she turn her phone off for 2 weeks and figure out what she wants to do. What I'd really like to tell her is that if she doesn't want to work on M, then she shouldn't bother driving back.
We're about 16 months away from 15 years. 15 years is a milestone for alimony calculations. I want to be done in front of that.
Zew, 4 days ago W and I celebrated our 15 yr anniversary. And by 'celebrate' I mean neither one of us acknowledging the day to each other. Like you, I was dead set on 'something' happening before/on that date and had a couple freak out moments (including asking W if I should go ahead and file) leading up to it. I can tell you that the day had passed and I'm right back to working on myself and continuing to be patient.
Just trying to warn you not to get hung up on a set date. You never know how you'll feel tomorrow.
Just trying to warn you not to get hung up on a set date. You never know how you'll feel tomorrow.
Ya, I know.
We'll be apart 4 of the next 6 weeks. Something could change.
Two of those weeks I will be in quiet solitude, with old friends nearby, cold beer, a hot sauna, a big lake, some fine scotch and a few cigars. I'll be staring at the stars thinking things through.
I'll be in a very happy place wondering if my unhappy W will ever be able to let go of her resentment and the past, while surrounded by the posse who keep telling her how entitled she is.
It will also be close to the one year anniversary of the beginning of the EA.
There's the 15 year alimony thing, and also a combined income threshold where alimony kicks in big time. She has her first sale and commission coming, so that's getting closer. Both invoke punitive alimony. I can always stop the D, but I can't make it move faster if that's what we decide to do. W knows these things too, and that's why she's playing for time.
