Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Wife in MLC and ready to leave #4

I started out as a Health Physics Tech at a nuclear power plant and worked there for 12 years It's been 20 years since I did that but I really enjoyed that work. I would need training to get back up to speed but if I did I could find very high paying jobs all over the country. I stopped doing this when I moved to TX and I would have had to travel a lot to keep doing it. At this point I need money NOW but that could be an option for later. I have worked in the oil industry for the last 15 years. I could make this start up work if I had more time but I just ran out. As for hobbies, I fence but not well enough to teach it. I will need to think about this. Thanks T2!

Matt,

Can you work as a consultant in these industries for now? That type of industry is awash in consultants and I would imagine that you might have the proper skill set to become one. That will give you immediate access to money and time with your daughters. This will be a good stepping stone to get back to training at some point and allow you to travel.

Talk with your former colleagues and bosses to put out feelers.

P.S. I have a cousin who works in a very well-paying job for a major oil company and he works from his home. He travels to the company headquarters for meetings. Otherwise all of his work is done from his home office.

MATT, this is a long tome.

It may be my last post to you for awhile b/c you have a lot to take in, but I hope you will do that...take it in...0kay, we hammer GAL for a reason and with a plan.

You first GAL in order to Detach & to stop obsessing, and to feel better...Then, we keep on GAL to keep on with the 180s...and then you keep on GAL b/c it's become your "new" life, and a better more active life is part of "living your best life".

(I still don't recall any of your 180s... Divorce Busting is NOT just about getting your w back. It's to help awaken you, to help you to become the man you were meant to become. Do you get this?)

Some of these GAL ideas below, could also help you network, too. In a sense, anything social does that for you.

Sure, I also worked out a lot. I got in good shape, and that's FINE. It's attractive on a lot of levels, and not just to the WAS. It's just not social. It's the path of least resistance in a way, b/c it requires so little of you emotionally and intellectually.

I believe strongly that you must meet some new people or at least be around others, (though a bit of solo time can be good if you don't obsess then, but calm yourself instead. Like meditation perhaps).

It's much more stimulating and distracting to be around people, especially if they don't know your situation and therefore they don't remind you of it. Do you see why?

Matt, seriously, see if you can join, attend, study, or explore something NEW, THIS month...or find/join/attend/explore/study something you once did but stopped doing b/c of 'life''s distractions, and create a more fulfilling happy life for yourself.

All your kids know, is that your wife has been miserable for a long time, and SHE thinks YOU did not "make her happy"....so she's leaving for paradise with her "real family" and other crazy nonsense.

(I truly pity her future self, b/c when she realizes what has happened, she'll hit bottom. To me, it's like a drunk who wakes up the next day, to realize that he smashed into a car of people the night before, and they're all on life support now...oops...)

But in a way, if all you do now is vent about her, and act miserable, aren't you sort of doing the same thing as your wife?

Meaning, aren't you making her responsible for your happiness, instead of creating it for yourself? You are Modeling behavior for your girls now. You made choices before, that you now regret. So make different choices now.

They are watching you, big time.

Rather than continuing to exclaim about your daughter's upcoming upheaval, cut it up into smaller pieces and help her...besides, isn't your oldest going off to college in a year or two? So in a sense, she's going to have to do the "meet new people" thing anyhow. She wasn't destined to remain where she is for the next decade, correct?

Hey, I'm NOT minimizing the problems of a high schooler moving during high school. My older two kids had to do just that. It is not easy. But it's also not that rare. Let your oldest know that, please.

A lot of my GAL activities are things they also did.
So for your kids sake and yours, show them that WE are all responsible for OUR choices and OUR happiness. And show them HOW we get our groove back.

These are things I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, including in the winter. It's intensely cold there, and dark, for months...as in NOT reaching -20'F, for weeks. Our second winter we hit -57'F and I took pictures...I mean, that is one wacky place.

We had just moved there when I was 8 months pregnant so I had no friends there yet.

Where we lived at first, it attracts people who don't want to be around many others (hermits, for instance) And since everyone knew the folks from the area already, they were not interested in investing time to get to know the new people.

It was by far the least friendly place I've lived in my life, and we had moved 17 times in the military. So when I say it was NOT friendly, I've got a good basis for comparison. (Later moved to the Anchorage area, and it really was a lot friendlier. That may not "cure" the cold or dark, but it sure helped us all feel better.)

I decided I could not "Surrender" to the darkness, & my older kids needed to know "how" you plug into the world when you are new to it. A bit like yours might...so I had 3 kids, including a baby.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter. Ended up on the board of directors and later had a paid position.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it). Met people who later needed a lawyer and got some work.

I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).
I auditioned for community theater, and met some VERY fun creative people. I got cast a lot too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well. There must have been a lot of divorced people in that audience, but take note, I "KNEW" we were getting a divorce 8 years ago...and here I am. Not divorced.


I learned to cross country ski. Love it!

Although I had been in the Army, and had shot a weapon, I had not done a lot of shooting before. But I sure took shooting lessons after we heard that a bear killed a toddler down the road from us, in their backyard, while the mother fumbled around with her unloaded gun. I'd just given birth, so maybe that's why I was semi traumatized by that event. Anyhow, I became an expert marksman.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.
(I didn't buy beef or chicken for almost two years b/c of the hunting and fishing there.)
I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans) I loved riding.
I Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license. That was the first thing I did that cost any real money. What a thrill (I also went skydiving on my birthday but that wasn't really GAL. Just a superb thrill.

I edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew? I've since been paid to proof read and edit other material and that's something I can do from home. So, BONUS!)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me.

(Plus I'd just had our last child, and I needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly cold of their long LONG winters).

I Saw a therapist and for some months, I went on ADs. Both helped a lot.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I found that I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club, after ignoring it for 15 years of h's active duty.

(Wish I had joined sooner. I Met two women there who helped me thru those winters and who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group. After only a few months, I was published.

I attended "public speaker" events in which speakers are invited to come and discuss VERY different topics, purely for the mental stimulation. I met some very smart interesting people and it felt good to be told by them, that I had mental value. It's nice to be liked!

Took a class in Conversational French & got back to my family's roots.
I Took a class in Italian cooking...delicious & fun.

There is actually more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a some things you can do too, and that do not cost a lot.

Actually, other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were quite cheap or even free.

Matt, Inertia is your greatest enemy to GAL. It has kept you stuck in fear and immobility for years now.

Overcome that (& recognize the excuses we all make that are merely forms of inertia)--. I know that staying stuck b/c is what you are used to. ((Been there, done that!))

Even while we desperately want more, different...for us, we often remain inert...

but Matt, once you overcome the inertia/stuckness, you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life AND showing that to your daughters. What a GIFT FOR ALL OF YOU!! You can do this.

The more you overcome inertia, the more you will become an active member of the world and not a spectator waiting for their partner to participate...and then, the better your R's will be with all people...

YOU'VE GOT THIS, MATT...

OMG we can now EDIT again!!




Thank you moderators! Seriously...

25,
Yes, we have the edit button back! Isn't it wonderful! LOL!

Thanks 25.
I have been going to a few meet up groups and has much fun. I was planning to go again tonight but the family cat who had been missing last couple days was found by me in the backyard very, very dead. Vultures had gotten to her, poor thing. I had to tell my D14 and bury her and by the time I was done it was too late. I also wasn't able to talk to her. I think I need to now as her mom has become a total unfeeling person. I told her that I had to pay $2500 for L and now D won't be able to go to private school and if she had just not filed but we had just got ourselves one lawyer and worked it all out that wouldn't have been nessacery. Too late now was all she had to say. Like I said before, I really don't think she will stop short of D. Her dad is paying and he will keep on her.

Right now money is the only thing holding me back from GAL. I won't be able to afford gas for work soon and W isn't going to pay for that even living here. She went off the deep end as I worked for 15 years when she didn't have any money and now she has cut me off.

I like people and wanted to buy a gun to learn how to shot but ran out if funds. I will find a way to make money. That I'm sure of. I am just so far under the gun for now I have to be careful. My dad is going to try and help with the lawyer. I know he will but I will pay him back every penny. My W will never be the same in my parents eyes no matter what now. She may wake up one day but nothing will ever be the same no matter what happens. It's very sad as they really loved her once, even after all this started. Now they can't believe she would change and start moving so fast after she swore she wasn't going to file. They don't understand the mind of MLC and just see how crazy things have been and how I stuck by her no matter what. I also found out my W mom doesn't even know she filed! Only her father knows! That is crazy to me.

Working on job hunting tonight and back to start up and trying to make a sale tomorrow! Thanks 25!

Good morning everyone,
I've come to a turning point with my W. I'm no longer as angry when I have to deal with her. It's more like I feel like I'm speaking to a child of 15. Old enough to know what's right, too young not to be selfish. I told her that one of the problems I had with the D petition (she had to keep asking when I said that was between the lawyers!) is that her car is on there as separate property. There is no way it could ever be considered SP. She says "I don't know why we just can't each keep our cars (hers is $10,000 more and has less than 50K miles, mine has 150,000+ miles!). I just told her that for it to be SP you have to have paid for it or been given it. No response from her. I also told her that her P states she will be primary custody and have final say in our D's permanent address. This one she knew she had put on. she says "I would never do anything that wasn't best for D." I didn't say this but... Well, first off, what you are doing just by getting D isn't what's best for her. The fact that you now have made certain that she CAN'T go to the school her sister did for what? Because your daddy told you to do this?

I told her that of course she feels that way but we may not agree and I'm sure there will be times that we won't agree on things and the way it's written she will have the final say. YOU told me that it wasn't written that way. She agreed that we will disagree at times but just shrugged it off and said "Too late now". I don't have money for food and she still lives here and all you can say is "Too late now" when it's costing $2500. It's like the $200 she cost me by not telling me she wasn't going to have her pay go into our joint account. She is like this overly nice DMV worker who keeps telling you you have to file this OTHER form after you already filed 100 forms. Just keeps smiling and being nice and saying nonsense and acting like she has done nothing at all wrong. Then she says I should just get a min wage job part time so I can pay for gas to go to my start up job! Min wage? I have made 6 figures most of the last 15 years while she refused to go back to work after the kids were in school and she wants me to get a min wage job because she wants to cut me off?

This morning she actually had the guts to ask me again for a favor! She wants me to call her car finance people about a problem with her bill. What the heck is wrong with her? what goes through her head. Why does she think that she can cut me off and still I will help her? We aren't a team anymore by her choice. She is just so used to me being there, doing things for her. She has no clue how to run a household. No clue what it will really be like to have no one but yourself to count on. I didn't get angry. I just calmly said I hadn't done that as she said she was getting a new loan. (She had asked if I had done it). She said no that it was different. Is this normal for MLCers that they think we should still be there and help them and do things for them but that they have no responsibility to do the same and not even show any affection but tell us we're not good enough for them while they ask? Would she ask a stranger who she hasn't just filed a lawsuit against to do her a favor?

Crazy how she is acting but hard because I need to not need ANYTHING from her! I so wish that things would have changed by now but nothing worked with her that I tried. Today I will cross a couple more things off my list and get myself some money!

Matt,

You need to calmly tell W that all discussions related to D will need to be handled through L and you will not be talking any more about it to W.

I think it is time to step back and let W handle the car stuff. Just state in a matter of fact way that W will need to learn how to handle those things herself as you two are getting a D. Politely turn down those requests for assistance unless it is about the children. Otherwise, W is just gonna have to learn these stuff sooner or later.

I agree Wonka! And good morning!
After re-reading my post, it sounds angrier than I felt. My W is acting so very odd. More than usual. She told me last night that I should stop and see her grandmother at the new asst living place she moved to. I'm sorry but I'm a little busy trying to find a way to live! She comes in and sits down next to me when she avoided doing that for last year and actually touched me while speaking to me. Now that I don't want to talk to her, she wants to talk to me. She wants to refinance the car but at this point she isn't allowed to by the rules in her own D petition. She is being overly nice to our D when she should be telling her she is leaving.

I am more calm than before. I feel only dislike for her and see her for what she is, a scared child. I'm ready to just let her go. The only thing keeping me from wanting her to go is the fact that I needed her income to help live until I made more money and I realized this is the biggest reason I didn't want her to go. That's not good. I will find my way now and I will get the money I need. I must for the sake of my D's!!