Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Controversial Option. Apologising for causing an a

I agree totally.
There's some peace and understanding to be made before she can see me without that jaded "it's too late" philosophy toward the changes I have made.

Regardless of what your WAS has done, you should always be bettering yourself. That is a non-issue and is at the core of DB.

You don't need to constantly apologize.

I know that you mean the best with your note but I would take it as trying to manipulate my feelings

showing her is better than telling her and if she doesn't get it, learn from it for later

I can see all your points.
I have apologised in the past, but not REALLY known what it was exactly I needed to apologise for. The actual feelings I made her feel. Which is something she threw at me at the beginning.

Showing her is tricky as we have little contact these days. So making peace will hopefully allow for less fraught contact.

Any sign of manipulation is something I want to avoid. I may cut out the "lack of second chance" part and just focus on her feelings instead.
Which is what this note is about.

But are those things you mention in the note, things that you already apologized for? If anything, maybe make the note a comprehensive list of her concerns and validating them. But don't send it if you've already apologized.

No, I have yet to apologise for those things.
My previous apologies when she left were pretty much that I was sorry for whatever it was she claimed I did.
Sadly, I ended up trying to defend myself all the time. Not attractive.

Attraction and respect really is a big deal here I think. It's never "too late" if you're actually attracted to someone.
Let's just say, I look very different now than I did 2 months ago when we last met.

"My previous apologies when she left were pretty much that I was sorry for whatever it was she claimed I did.
Sadly, I ended up trying to defend myself all the time. Not attractive."

You're missing the point. This has nothing to do with "attraction". If you were wrong, then you were wrong and you should apologize. But only apologize if you truly mean it and understand what you did wrong and are actively trying to change to correct those mistakes.

This is not a ploy or a strategy. If they aren't sincere whereby you aren't going to make these changes for life or will slip into old habits, then she's not going to come back.

Totally agree with you.
I really am sorry for the hurt I caused my wife. For a few months I became very withdrawn, short tempered and stressed. Which made my wife feel very lonely and caused her to think that there was a better life for her elsewhere.
These were desperate actions for her to find happiness.
(Some people jealous of our previous happy marriage were keen to assist that too.)

However, my responsibility in this has to be accounted for.
Every change my wife wanted, I also wanted for myself too. I wasn't happy in any aspect of my life outside of the wife I had.
My changes will be permanent. I have no desire to return to being the way I was for that short time.

I remember struggling with this (specifically whether my situation was "different enough" from others' to warrant a letter to H in which I acknowledged my responsibility in the breakdown of our M). Such a letter would certainly classify as "pursuit" to me. But I told myself that it was prudent and good-judgment to apologize for my role.

... until I took a long, hard look at the facts.

And I reached the conclusion - with some help from friends here - that an apology to a spouse who is actively cheating (even if we have things we would do differently now) is just plain backwards. And pointless.

I get the sense your mind is already made. But I'd be sure to ask myself what my goal is in sending the letter ... and whether I'm *genuinely* doing it for a benefit to myself ... or if I'm hoping for a result. If you're hoping for a result, then I think you have expectations attached. And to be honest, I'm not sure that any of us who are hurting so badly from betrayal could actually pen a letter and send it to our wayward spouses with no expectations and with the TRUE goal being to help US. It just won't.

And if we could jump into the minds of our wayward spouses for just a moment, we would see why such a letter wouldn't have the desired impact on them, either. Since my H has been back, I have been *floored* to read some of his thoughts at certain times through our separation. I had totally felt, from his interactions with me then, that he was being friendly and even showing signs of having doubts about his decision to be with OW. But the things he was telling others at that time?? Wowzers. All I can say is I am SO thankful I never apologized to him while he was wayward.

Well I did it.
I've no idea if she has read it yet. The one I gave her was a little different to the one I posted. Less doormat, more honest and realistic.
We got along just fine. No tension. I could tell she was a little taken aback by how much more confident, relaxed and the change in my appearance.

Whatever happens, I am honestly happy to have peace now.

Will post any updates if there are any.